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Random Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacationreport

    When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse!

    When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse!

    [ranking: 1]
    Clark Griswold

    Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

    Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

    [ranking: 2]
    Clark Griswold

    Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full!

    Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full!

    [ranking: 3]
    Cousin Eddie

    Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

    Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

    [ranking: 4]
    Clark Griswold

    Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

    Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

    [ranking: 5]
    Clark Griswold

    Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye.

    Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye.

    [ranking: 6]
    Clark Griswold

    Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

    Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

    [ranking: 7]
    Clark Griswold

    Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

    Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

    [ranking: 8]
    Cousin Eddie

    Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

    Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

    [ranking: 9]
    Clark Griswold

    Bend over and I'll show you.

    Bend over and I'll show you.

    [ranking: 10]
    Clark Griswold

    Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

    Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

    [ranking: 11]
    Clark Griswold

    It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

    It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

    [ranking: 12]
    Clark Griswold

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

    [ranking: 13]
    Uncle Lewis

    And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd?

    And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd?

    [ranking: 14]
    Margo Chester

    I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

    I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

    [ranking: 15]
    Cousin Eddie

    She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

    She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

    [ranking: 16]
    Cousin Eddie

    I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

    I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

    [ranking: 17]
    Ellen Griswold

    Save the neck for me, Clark.

    Save the neck for me, Clark.

    [ranking: 18]
    Cousin Eddie

    Grace? She died 30 years ago!

    Grace? She died 30 years ago!

    [ranking: 19]
    Aunt Bethany

    Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.

    Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.

    [ranking: 20]
    Clark Griswold

    Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are.

    Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are.

    [ranking: 21]
    Clark Griswold

    If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice.

    If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice.

    [ranking: 22]
    Cousin Eddie

    Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.

    Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.

    [ranking: 23]
    Clark Griswold

    THE. BLESSSSSING.

    THE. BLESSSSSING.

    [ranking: 24]
    Uncle Lewis

    I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.

    I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.

    [ranking: 25]
    Ellen Griswold

    It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room.

    It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room.

    [ranking: 26]
    Clark Griswold

    Can't see the line, can you, Russ?

    Can't see the line, can you, Russ?

    [ranking: 27]
    Clark Griswold

    Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

    Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

    [ranking: 28]

    He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

    He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

    [ranking: 29]
    Catherine

    I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place.

    I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place.

    [ranking: 30]
    Ruby Sue

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant!

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant!

    [ranking: 31]
    Uncle Lewis

    Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

    Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

    [ranking: 32]
    Rusty Griswold

    Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady.

    Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady.

    [ranking: 33]
    Cousin Eddie

    Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks.

    Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks.

    [ranking: 34]
    Ruby Sue

    You checked our sh*tters, honey?

    You checked our sh*tters, honey?

    [ranking: 35]
    Clark Griswold

    I'm gonna catch it in the coat... and smack it with the hammer.

    I'm gonna catch it in the coat... and smack it with the hammer.

    [ranking: 36]
    Clark Griswold

    The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath.

    The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath.

    [ranking: 37]
    Clark Griswold

    If this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

    If this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

    [ranking: 38]
    Cousin Eddie

    Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.

    Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.

    [ranking: 39]
    Ellen Griswold

    You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this ones got, Clark.

    You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this ones got, Clark.

    [ranking: 40]
    Cousin Eddie

    Oh, no, that there is an RV.

    Oh, no, that there is an RV.

    [ranking: 41]
    Cousin Eddie

    Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.

    Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.

    [ranking: 42]
    Cousin Eddie

    Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.

    Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.

    [ranking: 43]
    Uncle Lewis

    Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

    Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

    [ranking: 44]
    Clark Griswold

    Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

    Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

    [ranking: 45]
    Cousin Eddie

    Is Rusty still in the Navy?

    Is Rusty still in the Navy?

    [ranking: 46]
    Aunt Bethany

    Is your house on fire, Clark?

    Is your house on fire, Clark?

    [ranking: 47]
    Aunt Bethany

    If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.

    If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.

    [ranking: 48]
    Cousin Eddie

    The little lights... they aren't twinkling.

    The little lights... they aren't twinkling.

    [ranking: 49]
    Art

    It's a funny, squeaky sound.

    It's a funny, squeaky sound.

    [ranking: 50]
    Aunt Bethany

    I don't want to spend the holidays DEAD!

    I don't want to spend the holidays DEAD!

    [ranking: 51]
    Ellen Griswold

    You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, you know what I mean?

    You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, you know what I mean?

    [ranking: 52]
    Cousin Eddie

    It was an ugly tree anyway.

    It was an ugly tree anyway.

    [ranking: 53]
    Art

    Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

    Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

    [ranking: 54]
    Frank Shirley

    We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad?

    We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad?

    [ranking: 55]
    Audrey Griswold

    Clark, were stuck under a truck!

    Clark, were stuck under a truck!

    [ranking: 56]
    Ellen Griswold

    Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!

    Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!

    [ranking: 57]
    Clark Griswold

    And it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs… and your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip…

    And it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs… and your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip…

    [ranking: 58]

    Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter!

    Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter!

    [ranking: 59]
    Grandma Griswold

    Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?

    Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?

    [ranking: 60]
    Cousin Eddie

    Is this the airport, Clark?

    Is this the airport, Clark?

    [ranking: 61]
    Aunt Bethany

    He's got another car. He can drive! I gotta EAT, so I can take my back pills.

    He's got another car. He can drive! I gotta EAT, so I can take my back pills.

    [ranking: 62]
    Art

    Later dudes! Let 'er rip, hang ten!

    Later dudes! Let 'er rip, hang ten!

    [ranking: 63]
    Clark Griswold

    Here they are, here come the nuts!

    Here they are, here come the nuts!

    [ranking: 64]
    News announcer

    We'll get around this egg timer.

    We'll get around this egg timer.

    [ranking: 65]
    Clark Griswold

    Take it, Russ!

    Take it, Russ!

    [ranking: 66]
    Clark Griswold

    You're goofy.

    You're goofy.

    [ranking: 67]
    Art

    Rocky bit my thumb.

    Rocky bit my thumb.

    [ranking: 68]
    Ruby Sue

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About Random Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation

It's an exciting tool for displaying random funniest lines from christmas vacation. We collected a list of "Random Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation" from ranker, which was screened by countless online votes. You can view random funniest lines from christmas vacation shows from this page, click on "Show all by ranking" button to show the complete list, or visit the original page for a more detailed introduction.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

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