Random Sadistic Rulers From Ancient History (16 items)

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  (#1) Tiberius

  • Dec. at 78 (41 BC-37)

  • Royal Title: Emperor of Rome (14-37 CE)
  • Crazy Cred: The second emperor to ever rule Rome, Tiberius didn't improve the Julio-Claudians' reputation. Tiberius "trained little boys (whom he termed tiddlers) to crawl between his thighs when he went swimming and tease him with their licks and nibbles," said Suetonius. Tiberius even ordered babies to give him oral sex. He organized secret orgies at his private residence on the island of Capri, arranging teams of "experts in deviant intercourse and dubbed analists" to have sex in front of him, according to Suetonius.

  There, Tiberius built an erotic library so that visiting sex slaves could learn more positions. He also built a garden with little nooks where boys dressed as Pan and girls dressed as nymphs could get it on. Once when he was attending a sacrifice, Tiberius got really hot from staring at the sexy young flute player. After the ceremony, he raped both the musician and his brother. Then, when they complained about it, he broke their legs!

  Tiberius also didn't mind murdering a few rivals, especially when aided by his lackey Sejanus. Among his victims were Priscus, a fellow who liked writing poems about the imperial family, and perhaps even his stepson Postumus, his chief rival for the imperial throne.
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  (#2) Commodus

  • Dec. at 31 (161-192)

  • Royal Title: Emperor of Rome (180-192 CE)
  • Crazy Cred: Best known as the insane young emperor from Gladiator, Commodus was truly nuts and loved killing people. He once faked a plot against his own life so he could have an excuse to kill a bunch of his enemies, according to the Historia Augusta. Commodus loved pretending to be a gladiator and killing wild beasts in the amphitheater, even desiring to be a charioteer. Once, Commodus said he was going to war in Africa so he'd get a lot of funds; then, he used them on games.

  In terms of religion and dealing with others, Commodus didn't stick to the traditional rites. He shaved his head like an Egyptian priest, ordered priests of the Roman goddess Bellona to chop off one of their arms, and carried around a club to smack people with. But he was also impious when it came to basic manners: He stuck a bird on a balding guy's head, and the critter pecked the man's scalp bloody, thinking the few remaining hairs were worms. Commodus cut a fat guy open so his intestines would spill out, made a guy with a giant penis a prominent priest, and made one of his premier officials dance naked in public.
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  (#3) Phalaris

  • Royal Title: Tyrant of Acragas in Sicily (570-554 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: In the sixth century BCE, Phalaris, a citizen of Acragas on the island of Sicily, seized power and made himself tyrant of that city. He crucified his rivals, but his most famous torture technique came by roasting his enemies alive in a bronze bull.

  Phalaris stuck the smith who built the animal into his own creation, which the craftsman had given Phalaris as a gift. Unwisely, the coppersmith told Phalaris he could torture enemies by sticking someone in the bull, putting it over a fire, and telling everyone the victim's groans were those of the animated bull. By putting tiny tubes in the bull's nostrils, air would shoot out and sound like flutes were playing. Of course, Phalaris took him up on his advice and made the smith the first test subject.
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  (#4) Caligula

  • Dec. at 29 (12-41)

  • Royal Title: Emperor of Rome (37-41 CE)
  • Crazy Cred: Where to start? Perhaps with the childhood sicknesses or love potion that supposedly drove him mad? Or with the most famous rumor of all: Caligula didn't make his horse a consul, but rumor has it he promised to do so. He invited his steed Incitatus to dinner regularly, too, and gave him tons of servants to muck out his stall and comb his forelock. Oh, and an ivory manger, along with tons of other goodies. He even built a floating bridge across the Bay of Baiae and rode across it in a chariot. 

  Already ugly, Caligula forbade any mention of goats in his presence because he was so hairy. But he did fall in love with handsome actors; when his favorite pantomime, Mnester, was performing, Caligula would smack anyone who interrupted. Yet when he didn't like a slightly wounded gladiator, "he had the place rubbed with a poison which he henceforth called 'Columbinum'; at least that name was found included in his list of poisons."

  Some ancient accounts claim Caligula committed incest with his sister Drusilla, Suetonius noted. No evidence suggested, though, that he got Drusilla pregnant (though Caligula's only child by a later wife, aptly named Julia Drusilla, bit her little friends: just like Dad!) He eventually turned on all his surviving female relatives, putting his sisters on an isolated island. Cassius Dio reported, "Many who were guilty of great crimes he neglected to punish, and many who had not even incurred any suspicion of wrong-doing he slew." 
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  (#5) Nero

  • Dec. at 31 (37-68)

  • Royal Title: Emperor of Rome (54-68 CE)
  • Crazy Cred: Nero may not have fiddled while Rome burned in 64 CE (in fact, he was miles away when it happened and later organized firefighting efforts), but he was a pretty reprehensible guy nonetheless. He was famous for his love-hate relationship with his mother, Agrippina, perhaps having sex with her and very probably murdering her. Nero also reportedly tortured early Christians, throwing them to the dogs to be torn apart or burning them alive to be human lamps.

  When looking to off his enemies, including any who badmouthed him, Nero enlisted the help of ancient Rome's consummate poisoner, Locusta. She was convicted of murder under Nero's predecessor, Claudius, but Nero granted her a stay of execution in exchanging for helping him murder his cousin/stepbrother and rival heir, Britannicus, at a banquet. As Nero's pet poisoner, Locusta was allowed to test her concoctions on people and animals as much as she liked, even starting a school for aspiring poisoners.
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  (#6) Domitian

  • Dec. at 45 (51-96)

  • Royal Title: Emperor of Rome (81-96 CE)
  • Crazy Cred: Best known for his cruelty and imposing buildings, Emperor Domitian pretty much sucked the life (both literal and monetarily) out of Rome. With his military campaigns, construction projects (like a new forum, personal country villa, and city home), and brutal taxes, Domitian didn't stint on his personal ambitions. He was also a capricious ruler and "would often attack people with the sudden violence of a thunderbolt and again would often injure them as the result of careful deliberation," recounted Cassius Dio. Whenever somebody helped him out or lent him money, Domitian was sure to put them on his to-kill list. Once, to scare potential enemies, Domitian invited lots of rich guests to a banquet in a room he painted all black, served them funeral food, and gave them gravestone-like placemats. 

  One enemy was an actor named Paris, whom Domitian murdered in the street after accusing him of having an affair with his wife. And when citizens left flowers at Paris's death site in honor, he ordered the deaths of those nice people too! Domitian also shacked up with his own niece and condemned the famously chaste Vestal Virgins to death for having had sex with men. Needless to say, few mourned when he was murdered.
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  (#7) Caracalla

  • Dec. at 29 (188-217)

  • Royal Title: Emperor of Rome (211-217 CE)
  • Crazy Cred: Best known for granting citizenship to all free inhabitants of the Roman empire in 212 CE, Caracalla didn't do it to be nice. He wanted the cash benefit that came with it! Though he was a nice kid when he was young, in an attempt to mimic Alexander the Great, he got sort of mean. Caracalla suspected his brother, Geta, of plotting against him and ordered him slaughtered. Truly bloodthirsty, he organized massive beast hunts in and out of the arena, as he "was for ever killing vast numbers of animals, both wild and domesticated, forcing us to furnish most of them," wrote Cassius Dio. In true nutty emperor fashion, he even drove his own chariot during chariot races.

  Caracalla always wanted to look like he knew everything, so he never asked for help and wasn't fond of many people. Dio quipped, "He never loved anyone, but he hated all who excelled in anything, most of all those whom he pretended to love most; and he destroyed many of them in one way or another." He killed lots of his rivals, sometimes exiling the sick to provinces with bad weather to kill them slowly. Caracalla's victims included tons and tons of foreign people he slaughtered in and out of battle.
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  (#8) Emperor Qianfei of Liu Song

  • Dec. at 16 (449-465)

  • Royal Title: Emperor of Liu Song (464-465 CE)
  • Crazy Cred: This teenage Chinese emperor only ruled for one year in the fifth century, but what a legacy he left! He grew so paranoid about conspiracies against his reign that he started killing officials left and right, although he did reportedly have time to give his half-sister thirty male concubines. Somewhere in there, Liu Ziye (his personal name) allegedly had an affair with his great-aunt.

  He's perhaps most famous for plotting against his own uncles, too, but his ultimate successor and courtiers plotted right back. On the night he was assassinated, Liu Ziye went to a pavilion in one of his parks and shot at ghosts a shaman told him were hanging around. Distracted, he let his courtiers get close and stab him to death.
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  (#9) Cleomenes I

  • Royal Title: King of Sparta (519-491 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: One of the most successful kings of Sparta, Cleomenes I consolidated his city-state's power in ancient Greece. He even extended his power all the way to Athens, ousting that city's tyrant, Hippias, in 510 BCE. Unfortunately for Cleomenes, though, the new government in Athens was too democratic for Spartan tastes, so he led an army against his rival city again and again. It didn't entirely work: When he tried to install his own tyrant (whose wife he allegedly slept with), Sparta's allies weren't for it.

  One of his Spartan rivals for the monarchy, a fellow named Demaratus, annoyed Cleomenes, so he rigged a prophecy from the Delphic oracle against Demaratus. Everyone found out, though, and he was deposed from his throne. While in exile, he went insane, either out of guilt, religious sacrilege, or because he drank unwatered wine, according to Herodotus. When the Spartans brought him home, Cleomenes wasn't in a good state of mind. Eventually, Cleomenes committed suicide by slicing himself to pieces with a dagger.
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  (#10) Cambyses II

  • Royal Title: King of Persia (529-522 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: Best known for conquering Egypt, Cambyses went insane while there. The Apis bull was a holy creature associated with the sun. When a new incarnation was born, the Egyptians celebrated, perturbing Cambyses. He ordered the bull to be brought into his presence, Herodotus recounted, to see whether a god had really been born.

  When the bull entered, Cambyses stabbed him and mocked the Egyptians for worshipping a flesh-and-blood god. He ordered the deaths of anyone celebrating the Apis bull's festival. Sadly, the animal died of its wound, causing Cambyses, in the Egyptian point of view, to be "smitten with madness for this crime." Insane Cambyses killed his brother, then his sister-wife. He opened up the tombs of Egyptian royals to peer inside, a sacrilege, and mocked the gods of the land.

  What did Cambyses suffer from? Herodotus said, "They say that from his birth he was afflicted with a dreadful disease, the disorder which some call 'the sacred sickness.'" Scholars have speculated this signified epilepsy.
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  (#11) Ptolemy IV Philopator

  • Royal Title: Pharaoh of Egypt (221-204 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: One of the Greek kings of Hellenistic Egypt, descended from Alexander's pal Ptolemy, the third-century BCE pharaoh Ptolemy IV Philopator ("Father-lover") was a drunk hot mess. In true Egyptian fashion, he married his sister, Arsinoe, and deified himself while he was alive, promoting his family's association with Egyptian and Greek gods. But Ptolemy didn't keep everything cool.

  In order to keep his throne secure, Ptolemy killed his mother, brother, and uncle with the assistance of a guy named Sosibius; he was pals with a fellow named Agathocles, whose sister, Agathoclea, Ptolemy slept with. In addition to taking mistresses, Ptolemy lounged around "as if his chief concern were the idle pomp of royalty," according to Polybius.

  He stopped paying attention to domestic and foreign affairs, devoting himself to "shameful amours and senseless and constant drunkenness." He was compared to Dionysus, god of drunkenness and tragedy, for his love of alcohol and his passion for the theater. Neglecting his royal duties, Ptolemy even took up the pen, writing a tragedy called Adonis. Unsurprisingly, it was under this Ptolemy that Egypt's international presence began to wane.
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  (#12) Antiochus IV Epiphanes

  • Dec. at 51 (214 BC-163 BC)

  • Royal Title: King of the Seleucid Empire (175-164 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: This overenthusiastic pagan monarch tried to oust the faith of the Jews from modern-day Israel and impose his own Greek gods and Hellenic ways on the Temple Mount. Antiochus IV Epiphanes's overzealous efforts infuriated the Judeans, who fought back under the leadership of a family later known as the Maccabees. The Maccabees's eventual triumph is commemorated as the holiday of Hanukkah.

  Antiochus was a successful warrior, occupying Egypt, but he's best known for his efforts to unite his realm through Hellenization. He promoted Greek gods and founded Greek cities across the Near East, but the citizens of Judea, who already had problems with Hellenism, weren't having it. When he heard of this, Antiochus, according to 2 Maccabees, came to Jerusalem and "commanded his soldiers to cut down relentlessly every one they met and to slay those who went into the houses." He slaughtered 80,000 people (the accuracy of the numbers is debatable), profaned the holy vessels of the Temple by handling them, set up an altar to Zeus, and robbed the Temple treasury.

  Antiochus was a brutal madman defeated by the righteous Maccabees. But external evidence demonstrated that, despite his impiety, Antiochus wasn't the worst king around. Polybius called him not "Epiphanes," but "Epimanes" (madman): not because of his cruelty, but because he liked to pal around with commoners.
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  (#13) Nebuchadnezzar II

  • Royal Title: King of Babylon (605-561 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: Nebuchadnezzar (a.k.a. Nebuchadrezzar) II rebuilt the city of Babylon, boasting in inscriptions that he paid great honor to the gods and glorified their temples. He also was known for conquering a ton of the ancient Near East, including Judea.

  He besieged Jerusalem several times and captured its king, but he also appeared quite often in the Book of Daniel. The prophet interpreted one of the royal dreams to mean the monarch would go mad for seven years, which the Bible said happened; he supposedly lived in the wild and ate grass like an animal.
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  (#14) Mithridates VI of Pontus

  • Dec. at 69 (131 BC-62 BC)

  • Royal Title: Mithridates VI, King of Pontus (120-63 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: This king was famed for his paranoia over getting poisoned and inventing the Mithridatum, a cure-all for any poisons.

  One of the Roman Republic's fiercest enemies in the first century BCE, opposing its expansion in the east, King Mithridates had a lot to worry about on the home front. He was terrified of dying by poison, which wasn't that unreasonable, considering his dad had kicked the bucket after eating tainted food at his mother's hand. To learn about the properties of his ingredients, Mithridates experimented with poisons on his prisoners and wrote down the results; he ingested an almond-sized dose of theriac (a poison antidote) each morning to start his day and a little bit of poison daily to up his tolerance.

  Eventually, the Romans defeated the people of Pontus, and Mithridates wanted to kill himself before his enemies dragged him to their city in chains. He tried to off himself with poison, but his remedies had proven too effective; Mithridates eventually had to ask one of his guards to run him through with a sword.
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  (#15) Akhenaten

  • Royal Title: Pharaoh of Egypt (Lord of the Two Lands) (1353-1336 or 1334 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: Arguably the first recorded monotheist in history, Akhenaten devoted his life to the worship of one god, the sun disk Aten. Needless to say, that didn't go over well in ancient Egypt, a land of many, many gods, especially since the priesthood of the god Amun was powerful enough to challenge the Pharaoh himself! Focusing on an abstract divine image rather than the traditional, often-anthropomorphized gods, Akhenaten organized a religious rebellion, naming himself as the sole representative of this new god on Earth. He portrayed himself as a god on Earth during his lifetime, a result of decades of religious reform. Akhenaten also moved his country's capital city from along the Nile to the middle of nowhere in the desert.

  Perhaps most intriguingly, Akhenaten introduced a new style of portraiture: a so-called "naturalism" that showed the pharaoh himself as a curvy, feminine figure with an elongated skull. Was Akhenaten suffering from a disorder that distorted his body and drove him insane? Was he attempting to embody both male and female divine powers within himself in one statue? We may never know.
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  (#16) Dionysius II of Syracuse

  • Dec. at 54 (396 BC-342 BC)

  • Royal Title: Tyrant of Syracuse in Sicily (367-357 BCE, 346-344 BCE)
  • Crazy Cred: This ruler of the city of Syracuse wasn't a particularly effective tyrant. His uncle Dion invited Plato to come advise his nephew, but the philosopher wrote in a letter that he "found the court of Dionysius full of intrigues and of attempts to create in the sovereign ill-feeling against Dion." Only a few months after Plato's arrival, conspiracy-crazy Dionysius accused his uncle of plotting against him and sent Dion out to sea in a tiny boat. In an attempt to appease his tutor, Dionysius faked philosophic sincerity.

  Despite some military success (and failure), Dionysius achieved most renown as a committed drunk. Honoring his namesake, the Greek god of wine, Dionysius reportedly went blind from drinking too much. Some said that he was once inebriated for 90 days in a row! 

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