Random Funniest 'Jingle All the Way' Quotes (15 items)

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  (#1) Put That Cookie Down

  Howard: Put that cookie down. NOW!
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  (#2) It's Turbo Time

  Jamie: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock'n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases including, "It's Turbo time!" Accessories sold separately; batteries not included.
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  (#3) Subliminal Messages

  Myron: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working twenty four, seven delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
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  (#4) Deck Your Halls

  Huge Santa: I'm gonna deck your halls, bub!
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  (#5) Stupid Letters

  Myron: How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, Can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off!
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  (#6) The Post Office

  Myron: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!

  Howard: This man is totally insane.

  Myron: Thank you!
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  (#7) Kosher

  Howard: I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher.

  Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball?
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  (#8) Clubhouse

  Howard: I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason. Now, that makes me a bad father.

  Myron: Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!

  Howard: I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh , well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us have Christmas dinner in it.

  Myron: No!

  Howard: Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.

  Myron: You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.
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  (#9) Magical Christmas

  Ted Maltin: Howard, I'm of the mind set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical.
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  (#10) Ears of a Snake

  Myron: I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!
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  (#11) Turbo Man Doll

  Howard: I'm not a pervert! I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll!
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  (#12) Password

  Santa at Door: Password.

  Mall Santa: Jingle Bells, Batman smells.
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  (#13) Sleazy Conmen

  Howard: You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits.

  Mall Santa: What did you call us?

  Howard: You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals!

  Mall Santa: At the North Pole, them are fightin' words, partner.
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  (#14) Three Hundred

  Mall Santa: Ah! That'll be three hundred.

  Howard: Dollars?

  Mall Santa: No, chocolate kisses; yes, dollars!

  Howard: I can't believe this, whatever happened to your lofty ideas huh? I thought you're doing all this for the kids.

  Mall Santa: Well sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up a little loose change in the process.
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  (#15) What Did You Get Me?

  Liz: Howard, I've been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him... and if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...

  Howard: What?

  Liz: What did you get me?

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