Random People Describe What It's Like To Date A Narcissist (15 items)

• (#1) Their Physical Reaction To Him Revealed Something Was Off

  From Redditor /u/Vampirekiller123:

  Gym bro. Called me babe then switched to calling me dude when I was being devalued. Super “don Jaun” over the top “I am the greatest lover in the world” type of acting. Looking back I’m embarrassed for myself that it worked on me and for him for being so embarrassing. Super smart. Very covert. Worked in tech surprisingly. Nerd hobbies. Eyes were creepy as f$&@ though. ice blue and dead, flat, calculating. Very much like when a python looks through the glass at a reptile museum. That paired with the over the top [shows of affection] created this surreal confusing situation in my brain where I was getting wonderful stimuli when I saw him but my flight or fight response would also always kick in as well. I pretty much didn’t eat during the time I knew him and hyperventilated a lot[.] Without that I would never have felt something was off. Sometimes you know for sure but are in denial and your body lets you know.
• (#2) He Tried To Make Himself Appear 'Safe' With Feminist Comments

  From Redditor /u/what-a-freaking-mess:

  Fairly attractive. Very confident speaker, enjoyed arguing and debate, reasonably intelligent. Occasionally made noises about being a feminist/calling out misogynistic bs (I think he did it bc it made him look "safe"). Calculated risk-taker. Swagger.

  Part of his hook was, then, to confide in you about his troubled past, abusive childhood [and] ex-fiancee, etc - a heady combination of cocky and damaged. "I've never told anyone else this," was a pretty key phrase (spoiler: he told all the girls this, that's how he lured in all his prey).

  Later on, after I bailed, I found out that he lied a lot - big things, small things, total pathological liar. Also, when thinking about things he said/did in retrospect, I realized that a lot of it was really... sketch and that I'd excused it bc of pants-feelings.

  So, fact check.

  And don't let your pants-feelings rationalize away weird sh*t.
• (#3) His Odd Smile And Behavior Were Like Jack Nicholson In 'The Shining'

  From Redditor /u/____nyx____:

  Tall, strong, handsome. He had an All-American wholesomeness to him, 6’4”, a body I still think about with blue green eyes and a smile that I can only describe as disarming. And yet...it was a very odd smile, tinged with cruelty. He had a Jack Nicholson in The Shining vibe I was drawn to at the time. Even then the red flags were waving wildly. He came off as awkward and goofy, trying to downplay the sex appeal he knows he oozes. He was the strangest person I’ve ever met. We went dancing on our first date and the [intense affection] started that very night. I wasn’t super interested at first but he loved the chase. He’s a social worker and that really got me to trust him wholeheartedly. I truly believed he was one of the good people in this world. Sadly I realized that wasn’t the case.

  I think most everybody has good and bad in them, but looking back I’m not sure there really was any genuine good in him. I fell in love with a person I created in my mind. I liked that he read books and listen to podcasts and had good taste in interesting music, but he was also closed off. He was the ultimate authority on what was cool and what wasn’t. That always used to drive me crazy about him. For somebody who makes his living helping others he could be very judgmental and cold. Toward the end when he got a big promotion the power got to him. The discard happened shortly after...life just seems like a game to him. I was just another piece he knocked off the board to get to a better position.

  Nothing about him was ever real, he was like one of those illusions sailors used to see when they spent too much time on the open water. A Fata Morgana shimmering in the distance.
• (#4) He Had A Great Memory And Was In Tune With Others' Feelings

  From Redditor /u/booboo424:

  Mine is a structural engineer. Very smart. Great memory. Very in tune with others feelings.

  6 foot, light brown eyes, dark brown hair, freckled shoulders, large hands, extremely handsome, long thick eyelashes, perfect eyebrows, beard, very fit lean body with great abs.

  He was into bodybuilding for a while and said everyone that did it had low self esteem including himself.

  He never had an online presence.

  He lied all the time. About everything.
• (#5) He Belittled Others' Intellect

  From Redditor /u/tatyanalarina2018:

  Physically: tall, "barrel-chested," fair hair, blue eyes (cold and dead in person) and what I called "rugby player thighs." Not an GQ model, but he seemed very 'male' to me, and I felt very drawn to him physically, which I'd only ever experienced with one other (opposite looking) man before.

  Profession: project management/engineering. We both had bachelor's degrees. He was very analytical/logic oriented and taken with his own intellect. Voracious reader (as am I). When we were getting to know each other, he made some throwaway comment about how he doesn't "suffer fools gladly" and something to the effect of "not everyone can be as intellectually gifted as we are." By the end of things I felt like he purposefully tried to intellectually belittle me. For instance, I told him I was reading some (Thomas) Hardy, and he incredulously, mockingly asked, "The Hardy Boys??" I was speechless.

  Hobbies: He was an outdoorsy guy, always doing something "cool" or "daring" (skiing/snowboarding, mountain biking, had a motorbike, tried paragliding, water skiing, wanted to get a dive cert even though he lived in the mountains) - fed into my vision of him as this manly man, but I also thought it all seemed a bit much - like he was trying to create an image, a persona. He seemed to think cool hobbies=having a personality. He ultimately made me feel like my interests weren't impressive/interesting enough, even though in the beginning he told me a willingness to try some of his was all he needed. Once told me I'd be perfect if I'd be willing to learn how to ski. After I spent a small fortune to learn to ski with him, he told me that was good, but that he likes to take long bike rides too. (The fact that I ride a stationary 60 minutes a day apparently wasn't enough common ground for him to work with.)

  Personality: Online: engaging, flirty, told me about having "his heart ripped out" by other women. In person: aloof, no empathy or warmth...self described "stiff upper lip" type who doesn't show emotion and didn't hold my hand...but loved sexual flirting and said I should've [slept] with him, that we could have "done it all weekend" during one of my confusing visits.

  I could go on and on - he was a piece of work.
• (#6) The Relationship Lasted Seven Months Before They Realized His Narcissism

  From Redditor /u/rainbowshummingbird:

  My nex was a quiet, well mannered, intelligent, nerdy, attorney. He was not super charismatic and he was not that physically attractive. Because of how smart he was, it ended up taking me a while to figure out that he was a narc. Over time people reveal their real selves. It took about seven months for me to become aware that he was a lying, manipulative, passive aggressive, selfish narc.

  It was not easy, early on, to determine that he was a narc; but there were a few signs that I chose to disregard. When we first dated, I was largely unaware of the covert narcissist’s tactics. Hopefully, I am now better prepared to understand the signs and behaviors.
• (#7) At First, She Was An Exhilarating Conversationalist

  From Redditor /u/herlioness:

  She was a very dapper, swagger-y butch. She came across as super happy, confident, extroverted (my opposite). She seemed fun and playful and really communicative (all things missing from my previous marriage). At first it felt like she really gave me space to open up and explore a lot of interests with her - there was no topic or conversation or curiosity that was off limits or even felt awkward to talk about. It was really exhilarating.

  She’s a social worker. I thought it meant she was super in tune with people and very caring.

  Pathologically attached to her family despite a history of vicious [mistreatment] and then not being believed by them when she finally spoke up.

  She was very into pop culture and wildly into herself (in hindsight; her social media is 95% selfies). I don’t know enough about types to guess. Loved records. Motivational quotes. But mostly complained about how everyone was awful and typically came home from work and went to bed.

  I [fear] attracting another one or not recognizing another one soon enough. I’m focusing on changing myself so it’s more likely I’ll recognize the behavior and be less at risk for staying once I do.
• (#8) She Made Them Think Everything Was Their Fault

  From Redditor /u/aesop_fables:

  I've wrote about this quite a few times but I dated a narcissist for 10 years. How'd it end? My mind being completely warped and me finally seeking the help needed to get over the mental [manipulation]. You honestly don't realize it's going on while you're in it but you do know something isn't right. You're constantly thinking it's your fault, however. Traits? Hmm

  1. She didn't care about me at all. She told me one time "I don't think I should have to ask you how your day was or how you're doing." When you do start talking about things involving you she became very uninterested and would change the topic to herself.

  2. Takes absolutely no blame for anything! You walk in on her and some dude balls deep inside her (never happened to me just an example) she would probably say something like it's your fault this happened because you didn't do (insert literally anything here) enough.

  3. Expects to be taken care of.

  4. Has no friends. What I mean by this is she knew a TON of people but had no friends. She had a new "best friend" every 3 months. When asked why it was "their fault". They were crazy or they did something to her and she doesn't want to talk to them again.

  5. Almost always cheaters and she lied about everything. If you asked if her coffee was hot she would say no. If you asked if it was raining outside she would say no even if it was pouring down. She naturally lied first then corrected herself through some excuse later.

  I could go on and on and on. Biggest take away is gaslighting is VERY real. The mental mind f*ck that you go through is also VERY real. If you're going through it and you feel [stupid] for falling for that sh*t I hear you but it's not your fault. I literally hid my issues because I was so embarrassed that I could fall for her sh*t. But I did. I went to a therapist and two years later I'm MUCH MUCH better.
• (#9) She Didn't Want Him Hanging Out With His Friends

  From Redditor /u/cokeiscool:

  Bad, she was the first girl I felt that I was truly falling for and I fell for her hard and fast, so from the beginning I just rode with it.

  She was the type of girl who was do as I say not as I do.

  So for example, one of the easiest way she got me was with, "Why hang out with your friends who are a bunch of guys when you can hang out with this very attractive girl(her)" and my response "Okay! I mean it makes sense!"

  So off we go three months in and either im hanging out with her, staying up late to bring her dinner at the hospital(she was a doctor) or having her with me when I went out to hang with people.

  Another thing that she convinced me was I should apologize in every argument because even if im right I need to be the bigger man and apologize so I can go back to having fun with her... I did that too.

  When we broke up she hit me with one more very wise words of wisdom. Quick backstory, we broke after our first real argument where I got upset and was not budging to apologize because she hurt me and needed to realize it but never did, end back story.

  After we broke up, I tried to reconcile(Im weak) and when we met up for lunch she said she was never ever getting back with me and it was because she saw the real me, that all men are just mean little people. She said something along the lines of "Well I know I can get very dramatic, but you knew that from the beginning, when I saw you pull out your talons for the first time, I knew we were done"

  She was bad for me in every way, she clearly wanted a guy who she could manipulate and never talk back to her. Her sister is married to a guy like that, so she saw that and probably wanted exactly the same.

  I miss her and I hate myself for missing her...
• (#10) She Couldn't Talk About Anything But Herself

  From Redditor /u/DrDiarrhea:

  It was a short relationship.

  The first thing I noticed was that she could only talk about herself. I mean, literally nothing else. No talk of politics, art, entertainment, animals..just her..It's like other people did not even exist. She only seemed interested in me in terms of what I could do for her: Ego boost, money, someone to brag to.

  The second thing was the "orbiters"..other dudes that were trying to [sleep with] her/date her. That's not totally unusual. What was unusual was the fact that she liked to archive all their texts and show me. Even on the first date.

  Lastly, the gold digging. She started asking for money and large amounts of it within 2 months..uhhhh. F*ck no. She saw people as a means to an end.
• (#11) They All Had Complicated, Controlling Relationships With Their Mothers

  From Redditor /u/josie-pussycats1995:

  I just recently got out of a relationship with a Narc and have previously dated two before him. One of them (my first narc) was VERY overt. The other two were covert, but they all had some small, subtle symptoms in common...

  -on the outside they all seemed perfectly normal. Their employers LOVED them. According to the narcs, they all three thought they were the most valuable, hard working emoloyee and their coworkers were 'retarded.' Two of them ultimately got fired from their jobs for the exact same reasons though: not showing up without even calling ahead, being at least an hour late on the regular, and being mean to coworkers. Weirdly, narc #2 and #3 both got fired after being at their jobs for around two years. But up until the last weeks, their supervisors really did love them... weird.

  -all three of the narcs were mama's boys. By that I mean their mothers worshipped the ground they walked on, not the other way around. Narc #1 called his mother a c*nt multiple times. Narc #3 threw a chair at his mother once. Yet they still have a 'great relationship' and mommy would still do anything for narc.

  -narc #1 and narc #3 both had a male best friend that hated me for no reason.

  -all three had exes that were "crazy" and "ruined their life." Never once did they admit they might have made mistakes too.

  -all three managed to turn their mothers against me at some point.

  -All three were extremely vague about plans. If I was to say "when and where are we meeting?" No response. If I wanted a solid plan, I was being 'too rigid.'

  -This might be the most irritating part: all three would be so hot and cold. One day they would be showering me with attention and praise, and the next they would be acting like those declarations of love never happened. When I brought it up they all responded along the lines of "I don't feel like being lovey-dovey all the time." It felt like I was constantly yearning for affection.

  -they'd all ignore me anytime I wasn't physically with them. Answering my texts and calls was treated like a chore. If I confronted them about this, apparently I was being ridiculous. But if I didn't respond to their texts, I was berated.

  -This was unique to narc #1 and #3. They didn't really want my attention... ever. There were quite a few statements of "I need more space than you do" or "I need some time alone." But whenever I'd attempt to leave the relationship, then they were crying and begging me to stay. Narc #3 was different. He hated being alone, so he wanted me to be at his side all the time, but he didn't want to touch me or talk to me. Then he'd get furious if I wanted to leave the house without him.

  -All three were charming to customer service people, and very nice to children and animals. Like, animals loved them.

  -All three f*cking LOVED the silent treatment. If I showed any sign of neediness, BAM! shield of silence activated.

  -If I tried to confront any of them about a problem, I was "just trying to argue."

  -If we had a fight, they'd need space for days on end with no contact, sometimes weeks.

  -They didn't like it if I initiated [intercourse], it was a hassle. But it was always OK for them to ask for [it].

  -Triangulating me with ex-girlfriends was a constant.

  -Narcs #2 and #3 both had extremely poor hygiene. I mean not brushing their teeth and not showering for a week.

  -Speaking highly of their exes one moment "she'll always have a place in my heart" and then calling them a cheating hoe five minutes later.
• (#12) He Used Cryptic Communication

  From Redditor /u/Mcginty74:

  I've been piecing together that my current bf of four months is likely a covert N. This whole process of realization has been awful and painful, because he was my first relationship after I spent 3 years with a different covert N.

  One thing that my current bf does that makes me insane is that he sends a lot of cryptic texts and other unclear communication. For example, we were supposed to get together one evening, and he was supposed to get in touch that day in order to confirm final details (time/place/etc.). Finally, by mid afternoon, when I haven't heard anything, I text him. Ten min later he texts back: "Hi." Nothing else. No word about plans. I had to get the discussion going myself.

  A couple of hours later, he's supposed to be at my place, and I call him to ask how far away he is. I needed to run a quick errand, and if he was close by, I would wait and we could go together. Of course he doesn't answer his phone, so I just run the errand anyway. When he gets to my home, he calls. I explain that I'm on my way back from the errand, and he says he's parked waiting on my street. I get there 5 min later, and yes, his car is there, but he's nowhere in sight. I call him, and again he doesn't answer. He eventually shows up, and says that he took a stroll to the coffee house down the street. This was fine with me, but why didn't he just let me know what he was doing, or at least answer his phone? Who leaves their ringer off anyway when they're in the midst of trying to meet up with their significant other?

  I deal with this kind of thing all the time. One thing he loves to do is to suddenly drop off the radar when we are in the middle of texting about plans, or otherwise having a conversation. He will just disappear until the next day. Recently he did this with a Facebook chat that he initiated. I could see that he read my last messages to him, and I could see that he was repeatedly on Facebook throughout the rest of the day/night, but he never came back to our chat. I might treat a casual acquaintance in this way, but certainly not my boyfriend!

  Now, either he is the biggest social nitwit that ever lived, with no manners whatsoever, a clueless clod, or he is an emotional manipulator who knows exactly what he's doing, and chooses to communicate in this way in order to leave me feeling anxious, confused and off balance. This gives him more power and control, and what kind of person craves power and control? A Narc.

  Unfortunately for him, this isn't my first time at the rodeo. He is not the first emotional manipulator I've dealt with, and I'm waking up to what he's really about MUCH faster than I did with my covert N ex.
• (#13) He Didn't Apologize, Ever

  From Redditor /u/Mcginty74:

  One of the stereotypes of Narcs is that they don't apologize for their awful behavior. Certainly this applies to my covert Narc/sociopath ex, who NEVER said he was sorry, ever.

  I have been seeing possible covert Narc traits in the new guy I've been in a relationship with for four months, but one thing he does that confuses me, because it's so counter to the Narc stereotype, is to apologize if I call him out on something he's done that upset or offended me.

  He doesn't apologize in the groveling, self-pitying, looking for validation way that some Narcs use (because they have to turn it around so they're the victim). Instead, he issues short, simple, sincere-sounding apologies. "I'm sorry I did such and such..." "I'm sorry I hurt you..." "I'm sorry I made you feel that way..."
• (#14) He Put His Own Needs First

  From Redditor /u/sumsumsumaaa:

  Most of these apply to my last ex.

  He showed signs on the second date, which I ignored against my better judgement. Lack of empathy was a BIG one. He always put his needs first, in and out of the bedroom. Basically, he wanted me around when it was convenient for him. Judgmental of people. Everywhere we went he had something negative to say. It's one thing to notice something different, but another to roast someone in public - it was unrelenting ranting and assumptions until I could convince him to calm down. When he apologized, he didn't inquire why he had made me upset or try to resolve any issues we were having. Everything that happened to him was unfair and out of his control. He hated his house, his job, he didn't have much friends or a social life, and kept to himself quite a bit. His reason for breaking up with his ex was because he stopped trying. One night I asked him a hypothetical question, and he refused to answer, saying he simply didn't get ahead of himself or indulge in thoughts of fantasy. Pretty much would shut down any kind of conversations like that. The entire time we were dating, something felt really off and I couldn't imagine spending my future days with someone like that.
• (#15) She Lied About Everything

  From a deleted Reddit user:

  Well. I was 17, and she was a habitual liar. It took me a while to pick apart enough of her bullsh*t to figure it out.

  She lied so much to so many people and had this wholesome facade that made her seem like a decent person. Kinda hard to figure out what's true when they are intentionally manipulating you and there's no truth to be had from them.

  They have a profound sense of their own importance. This one took on a religious facade. "I'm not like other girls", "I hate drama", a passive holier than thou attitude that disappeared behind closed doors. Keeping people at arms length so she can cheat and misbehave without anyone figuring it out. If you get too close, she flips her sh*t and tries to make you into a bad guy. Then acts like nothing untoward happened.

  She has about 5 boyfriends at any given time. Everything she said was to elicit a response form you whether it was concern, empathy, affection, or protectiveness.

  They especially love to twist the facts and leave out key details when they tell you how the world has wounded them.

  Also, [she] was selfish with her hugs. She'd hold her arms open, then scrunch up so you do all the hugging and her forearms were against your chest. That sh*t [annoyed me] more than anything.

  Oh and she'd try to f*ck with me. One time she pretended to kill herself to I guess guilt trip me about having a platonic girl friend. So I told her to f*ck off and that was that.

  I knew another narcissist, but he was more of a genuine psychopath than a narcissist. Similar behavior, but more [aggressive] and evil.

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