Random Cringeworthy Thanksgiving Day Family Stories (20 items)

• (#1) Breasts For Dinner

  From Redditor /u/NineBeanSalad:

  So my cousin, who was always a bit weird, got breast implants. We show up at a family gathering and she brings it up, and my dad politely asks how she's recovering. She proceeds to unzip her hoodie and just bares all in front of my dad, who reacts like someone just threw something at his face. My mom and I are just agape in horror and my dad is stuttering and is just mortified. There are people everywhere and she goes, "Do you want to touch them? They feel so real!" 

  I'll never forget the look of terror on my poor dad's face.
• (#2) Polly Wants A Witness

  From Redditor /u/ImVerySerious:

  In the 1990s. Having the neighbors over for Thanksgiving dinner. Everything is going wonderfully and the conversation turns to Thanksgivings past when the neighbor lady says, "Thanksgivings are always a little sad for me now. It was on Thanksgiving that I found my pet parrot of 20 years dead in his cage."

  We all sympathize and I ask, "How did he die? Was it old age?" And she says she didn't know. "He was a young healthy bird who was his active, talkative self just the night before."

  Then her adult son, from across the table says, "He died because he was poisoned." The mom says, "What?!" While calmly eating his dinner, he says, "F*cking thing wouldn't shut up that night, so I poured some insecticide or something into his water dish."

  There are probably 16 people at the table just slack-jawed. The mom bursts into tears and runs out of the house and the son just sits there like nothing at all happened. It still comes up every year.
• (#3) You Should Cut This Aunt Off

  From Redditor /u/planification:

  I had trouble pronouncing the letters L and R as a kid. Apparently, my tongue is larger than normal. So sitting around the living room after Thanksgiving dinner when I was five, around 1990, I overheard my aunt talking with another family member about my lisp: "They should just take him in and have his tongue clipped. That's what I'd do if it were my kids." The conversation eventually switched to my wheelchair-bound older brother. Sure enough, my aunt had another opinion: "I don't see why they don't just put him in a home."

  Fast forward 20 years, and she's still at it. Two years ago at Christmas, she bought matching princess pajamas for my two female cousins, "Katie" (10) and "Emma" (8). Katie has been a bigger girl since she was born. She goes out for sports, and her parents watch what she eats, but so far nothing has worked. Anyway, Katie opened up the box of pajamas with excitement in her eyes. She tried to put on the pajamas, and they didn't fit. Everyone carries on the conversation until my aunt commented from across the room, "Katie, those are for your sister. You'd have to do a few more sit-ups before they would fit."

  A unanimous death-stare fell onto my aunt. Katie's mom (also my aunt) pulled her into another room to make sure she was okay. Everyone else in the room forced some small talk to avoid a scene and the gift unwrapping continued, as if nothing happened.
• (#4) You're No Longer Excused

  From Redditor /u/SirFuzzyLogik666:

  The most awkward family dinner that I've ever had was two years ago at my grandpa's house. It was a nice Thanksgiving day and everyone was waiting for the food to be done. When the food was done, we all sat down and began our meal. I didn't really say anything for the most part. But for some reason I had this constant hard-on that I just couldn't get rid of. So I just stood up, took my phone from the middle of the table and took off for the bathroom. After I pleased myself... I returned to the kitchen.

  To my surprise, everyone was staring at me almost horror-like. I asked everyone what was up but no one said anything. No one talked the rest of the dinner. I kinda knew what happened. I found out later that I was making a little to much noise in the bathroom. I actually looked at my phone and realized the volume was up 65%! And to make thing worse... let's just say I didn't do too good of a job cleaning up.
• (#5) Cat's Out Of The Dryer

  From Redditor /u/PhoenixIce:

  After the grand meal, my mother was doing some laundry. When the dryer beeped after its full cycle, she went into the service porch and was greeted with a horrid smell, assuming it was the catbox (also in the service porch) she cleaned it out before finishing the laundry. When she opened the dryer she found her beloved cat, Mr. Nelson. No one saw him go in, he was a quick little bugger, a wonderful pet loved by everyone.

  Needless to say the day was pretty much ruined for everyone and my mother still hates herself.
• (#6) Is Your Grandmother Karen Smith?

  From Redditor /u/socksandsandals44:

  I was seated next to my much older second cousin (I was [around] 17, he was in his late 20s). Earlier that day, my grandma had alluded to the fact that second cousins can technically get married.
• (#7) The Relatives Have At It

  From Redditor /u/Rob722210:

  I think I might win the trailer park hero award... (Although this happens in a trailer, said trailer wasn't in a trailer park).

  Anyways, it was the Thanksgiving that my aunt (henceforth referred to as Jail Bird) just got out of jail for serious criminal offenses involving gun-trafficking. Her and my other aunt Moon Pie (her favorite snack)... got into an argument over who bought my sister a gift which she had had since she was four. Jail Bird was only 14 when the gift was given to my sister, making it impossible that it was her, and so after my grandma said enough is enough they moped around for a few hours, but peace was made... Or so we all believed.

  So, dinner arrives. It's going well until Moon Pie thought it'd be a good idea for her to carve the turkey - which my grandma, seeing no issue with that idea, let her do. Jail Bird was stabbed in the leg with the carving fork, and that was when all hell broke loose. My sister and I were told to go to our room (we were staying there for Thanksgiving weekend, so we occupied the guest bedroom). We left heard some screaming and some glass breaking, and when we came out to see what was happening... Well, it turned into an all-out brawl. My parents and the other aunts trying to keep JB and MP away from each other - and not having much success. Grandma was just sitting there drinking her boxed wine and smoking like nothing was happening while everything was happening.

  Anyhoo, long story short I called the cops and Jail Bird and Moon Pie now have both spent some time jail, and on Thanksgiving too!
• (#8) That's One Way To Get Your Learner's Permit

  From Redditor /u/dopplerton:

  When I was 14 my family decided to go out to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. This restaurant in question served all sorts of cutesy martinis - appletinis, mochatinis, you name it, it had a "-tini" in the name.

  Six or seven rounds later, everyone was so drunk that they cried. I was also allotted quite a few sips so for a very naïve 14-year-old I was pretty drunk. They decided that I was the soberest out of everyone there (and I'm pretty sure I was) so they made me drive them all back to my aunt's house. I basically learned to drive right then. Keep in mind the "car" was my aunt's house-sized SUV that went from 0-to-60 in maybe two hours. I had no idea what the f*ck I was doing but somehow I got everyone home.

  No one ever, ever talks about that night. However, when I passed my driving test two years later, I got a lot of responses along the line of, "We all knew you'd pass!" Uh yeah, flooring it down the freeway as a sloshed 14-year-old teaches you pretty f*cking quick.
• (#9) Normal Thanksgiving Conversations

  From Redditor /u/Miamaya478:

  When I was 11, my mom invited my grandma and my uncle, who was 24 at the time, to our Thanksgiving dinner. My uncle drank a lot, and he was drunk before dinner was even ready. My younger sister had no idea, but my teenage older sister and I knew. My grandma had a fit with how my uncle was drunk.

  Next thing you know, the family dinner became a talk between my grandma and uncle about sex and strip clubs. Weirdest dinner of my life.
• (#10) Grandpa's War Stories Went Over Poorly

  From Redditor /u/The_Mad_Pencil:

  My grandfather decided to tell the story of how he fought with a drunkard Irish guy when he was a kid. He went into great detail over how he became like an animal and bit at the guy's ear in an attempt to rescue his father (the Irish guy and my grandfather's father got into a scuffle over something trivial).

  There was only one problem with this story. The audience consisted of my father's girlfriend and her family. All of them are Irish. Hilarity did not ensue.
• (#11) The Immaculate Interruption

  From Redditor /u/eveymarionette:

  I was a kid at the time. We decided to go to my mom's friend's house for dinner. While at the dinner table we had to say prayers. When it was my turn I said, "But Mom, Jesus isn't real. Do I have to?"

  The rest of the evening I kept getting stares from my mother.
• (#12) Out On A Literal Limb

  From Redditor /u/ZombiesRPeopleToo:

  My neighbor's father climbed a tree in our front yard to cut limbs off of it because it was dropping pine needles on his car - during our Thanksgiving dinner. The kids are like, "Why is there a guy in the tree?"

  He didn't live there - he was in town for the weekend.
• (#13) Well, Now Your Family Knows

  From Redditor /u/Rafrocks:

  I was 12 years old and it was Thanksgiving. My family always has to say something that they're grateful for. When it was my turn my phone set off and it said, "I'm a badass mother f*cker!" My face froze in place, I couldn't move and I was so embarrassed.
• (#14) Learn Something New Every Dinner

  From Redditor /u/bored1:

  [At dinner], my 22-year-old sister thought that Hawaii was off the coast of Florida near Cuba. When I pointed out where it actually was, she asked how they moved it.
• (#15) Passing Gas (Around)

  From Redditor /u/samthecat1021:

  I forget what year or how old I was, but it was a terrible experience. So, at the kids' table, we were all sitting around, [and] everybody was silent when all of a sudden my cousin dropped a fork. Everyone, including people at the adult table, looked over at him. I happened to be sitting next to him, so all the eyes were in my direction when all of a sudden I let out the loudest fart I've ever heard. Everyone thought it was him.

  Once everyone's laughing died down, something from the adult table let out another giant fart. More laughter. My aunt stood up to go refill her plate a couple seconds later, and she all of a sudden tripped and BOOM into the floor. Then she farted. It was quite the experience.
• (#16) They Didn't Just Break Bread At This Dinner

  From Redditor /u/Funnyanime1:

  About a year ago I was 16. It was Thanksgiving and my whole family had planned a great dinner. When it was time to eat, I noticed my aunt seemed to be in pain during prayers. Well, she was pregnant. I asked her if she was okay. She barely managed to say, "Yes, they're just temporary pains."

  But it seemed like the pain continued because she made strange faces and everybody seemed to notice. Once we were serving our plates my aunt let out a scream full of pain and her water broke in her chair... She was taken to the hospital after that and I had lost my appetite.
• (#17) Faking It For A Friend

  From Redditor /u/GoodMasterChampion:

  My dad tells this story every year, it happened when I was a baby. My cousin was in the army when she was younger and was going to bring her friend from Korea to Thanksgiving one year. However, they were running late, so the family just went ahead and ate without them. She got wind of this and furiously told the family that they had to set up Thanksgiving dinner again when they got there so her friend could experience an American Thanksgiving, but he couldn't know that they already ate.

  My family, being its weird self, did exactly that, all the way down to reheating all of the food and setting it out as if it hadn't been touched, eating again and faking a second Thanksgiving mere hours after the first. Thanksgivings are always fun in my family.
• (#18) Grandma Sprung Some News On Us

  From Redditor /u/easpangle:

  I learned that my 80-something-year-old Mennonite, ultra-conservative grandma named Polly took part in Rumspringa when she was an Amish 16 year old. I asked her if she partied and she said, "Yeah. It was FUN!"
• (#19) Mom's On A Roll

  From Redditor /u/PurpleFlower99:

  Passing the basket of dinner rolls and a candle caught the napkin under the rolls on fire. Grabbed the basket and rushed to the sink to put water on it and my mom is yelling, "Save the rolls!"
• (#20) Rolling Out The Welcome Mat

  From Redditor /u/Woofwoofrea:

  Last year on Thanksgiving I was given the job of setting the places for everyone. My older cousin Morgan was bringing her new boyfriend, Sam. I decided to put him at the head at the table. When he got there, he just sighed and sat down.

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