Random Bizarre & Surprisingly Brutal Stories You Never Knew About King Arthur (15 items)

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  (#1) Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

  • Poetry

  It's Christmas at King Arthur's court and the royals are all gettin' down around the Round Table as they do when, suddenly, a giant knight with green skin busts into the Great Hall. For totally inexplicable reasons, he offers up the chance for one knight to give him an ax-blow to the neck in exchange for the same treatment being given to the knight one year and a day later. Arthur's nephew Gawain accepts the challenge, removing the head of the Green Knight, who then promises to meet Gawain in a year's time.

  In the year that follows, Gawain sets off to find the Knight at his Green Chapel, hoping to reach some sort of... compromise. On the way, he gets involved in all kinds of trials and tribulations and ends up playing a kissing game with a lovely woman whose husband he has promised to give any gifts he receives from her. Gawain doesn't do this, however, and he keeps a magical girdle that she gives him for his quest. Whatever, Gawain has bigger fish to fry than husband-wife dishonesty.

  When he finally makes it to the Green Knight, Gawain flinches at the prospect of having his head cut off, and the Knight only breaks the skin - he doesn't chop all the way through. Turns out, though, he's the husband of the lady Gawain kissed; the almost-beheading was punishment for not fulfilling his bargain of giving him the girdle. Embarrassed, Gawain wears the girdle forevermore as a sign of his failings and desire to seek honor.
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  (#2) Arthur Is Conceived Through Deception And Rape

  In his origin story, Arthur is born as the result of deception, magic, and rape. His father, Uther, is High King of the Britons but doesn't have a wife, having fallen deeply in love with the spouse of one of his vassals. She is the lovely Igraine, Duchess of Cornwall, reputed to be the most beautiful woman in all of the land. At court, when her husband Gorlois sees Uther eyeing up Igraine, he takes her home, and Uther gets furious.

  Uther then rises up against Cornwall, besieging Gorlois in one castle, while Igraine gets shut up for safety in the seaside fortress of Tintagel. However, regardless of the conflict he's involved in, Uther insists on making Igraine his own, so he convinces the magician-prophet Merlin to help him. Merlin transforms Uther into Gorlois so he can enter Tintagel. Thinking that he's her husband, Igraine has intercourse with Uther, with no one the wiser. In that one deceptive night, Arthur is conceived.

  While Uther was assaulting Igraine, his armies were engaging Gorlois's, and they slew Uther's rival. In the morning, Uther goes out again, assumes his regular guise, and then weds newly widowed Igraine, by then pregnant with his child.
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  (#3) Arthur Attempts To Slay The Love Child He Shares With His Sister

  After marrying Uther, Igraine has a few problems - namely, her two daughters by Gorlois, Morgause and Morgan (later nicknamed "le Fay" for her otherworldly abilities). The exact number and names of these girls vary depending on the storyteller, but these are the two most recognized half-sisters of Arthur. In truth, they never really know their little bro since he gets raised anonymously in the household of a loyal knight.

  So, when Arthur meets his half-sister Morgause (or Morgan, depending on the story), he doesn't realize who she is and has an affair with her. As Thomas Malory, one of the most famous Arthurian chroniclers, writes, "He begat upon her Mordred, and she was his sister, on his mother's side, Igraine." This incestuous tale takes an even darker turn when Arthur learns that Morgause had his baby, and he pulls a King Herod, ordering all babies born on May Day in Britain to be slain. Unfortunately for him, his son-nephew, Mordred, survives - oh, and his subjects end up really hating him for slaying a lot of innocent babies.

  As an adult, Mordred, seduces his aunt/stepmother, Guinevere. This is seen as super-shameful on Guinevere's part; she'd already betrayed Arthur with Lancelot, his friend, before going off with is own son.
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  (#4) Twin Brothers Accidentally Slay Each Other

  When a lady wearing a sword shows up at Arthur's court, everyone is stunned. As with many of the craziest stories of Arthurian legend, she also issues a challenge upon her arrival - let the knight who is without blemish draw the sword from its scabbard. Many knights try and fail at the task. That is, until a poor, shabbily dressed knight named Balyn amazes everyone with his success. After he draws the sword, however, he doesn't want to give it back. The Lady warns him, though, that if he keeps it, he'll slay the person he loves. Yikes. But then the Lady of the Lake shows up, demanding either the swordswoman's demise or Balin's. Quick-thinking Balyn solves the problem by slaying the swordswoman. Later banished, Balyn winds up wounding the eventual Fisher King in a fight (that's an important moment for the Grail Quest, FYI).

  But his most awful moment really comes when he decides to challenge a stranger knight - actually his brother Balan - who's wearing armor he's never seen before. The two knights slay one another in combat, but not before each realizes the one he's slain is his sibling.
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  (#5) A Knight And A Lion Become BFFs

  Sir Ywain is one of Arthur's greatest knights, and, like most of Arthur's favorites, his life isn't exactly a charmed one. Ywain is most well-known for the series of adventures and misadventures that lead to him going insane and roaming a forest like a "wild beste" until he's befriended by a hermit and a nice lady who restore his sanity. Once he's sane again, Ywain sees a dragon fighting a lion, and he makes the game-time decision to be on Team Lion, saving the big cat's life. 

  Thereafter, Ywain and the lion become BFFs, and Ywain calls himself "the Knight of the Lion." When his wife is in trouble and wishes for the famed Knight of the Lion to help her, someone tells her that he'll only assist her if she pledges to help get him back together with his wife... which she of course does (not knowing all the while that the "Knight of the Lion" is actually her estranged husband, Ywain). When she realizes who Ywain really is, she's pissed, but they reconcile.
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  (#6) Arthur Is Still Alive Today, He's Just Sleeping

  When Arthur is grievously wounded at his final fight at Camlann, his sister Morgan finally shows some compassion for her brother. She takes a dying Arthur to the Isle of Avalon, so legend has it, where he doesn't perish but instead still sleeps to this day. Why? So, he can return to save Britain when she needs him most.

  In another version of this story, Arthur dwells in a cave, most likely on Avalon, still conked out for thousands of years to come. This trope of a sleeping hero, to be resurrected in a time of crisis, is a common one in mythology.
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  (#7) Sexual Powerhouse Morgan Le Fay Swipes Excalibur

  Arthur's sorceress half-sister Morgan has numerous lovers (often making her "threatening" to knights in the romances, from the point of view of the male authors who write her) and is unapologetic about it. She pines for Lancelot and takes a lover named Accolon (son of her husband, Urien). 

  Morgan hates her brother, mostly because his dad, Uther, slew her own father. So, she manipulates Accolon into fighting Arthur, seeking to slay and depose him in order to make the man she loves king. She even takes Arthur's famous sword, Excalibur, and his protective scabbard and gives them to Accolon, so when the two fight, Arthur doesn't have any magical aid, instead relying on fakes. Sadly, Accolon wounds Arthur, who doesn't perish but then passes from his own injuries.
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  (#8) Every Single One Of Arthur And Guinevere's Children Perishes

  Many Arthurian stories portray Guinevere as being barren (in stark contrast to Arthur's twisted romance with one of his sisters that produces Mordred). But not every version leaves the royal pair childless. However, any tales that do result in kids also result in the subsequent passings of those children.

  Welsh romances (which differ from, and predate, most of the English, French, and German versions) mention Arthur having sons named Amr or Amhar, Llacheu, and Gwydre, presumably by Guinevere. Legend has it that Arthur accidentally slays Amr. Llacheu fights for his father, and poets remember his passing as being particularly bloody; one account has him slain by his dad's own foster brother, Sir Kay.

  And Gwydre? He dies during a hunt for a magic boar, although mythographers think this Gwydre might have been confused with another hero of the same name.
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  (#9) Merlin Falls In Love With A Hot Young Thing Who Ruins Him

  In his old age, Merlin falls in love with a beautiful young woman named Nimue (alternately Viviane or a ton of other monikers). After all, he's the son of the devil, so lust is in his mind all the time (right?). But Nimue is not only decades younger than Merlin, she's also his student.

  Depending on the medieval account you read, Nimue is genuinely in love with Merlin, she hates him, or he's plotting to take her virginity. In most versions, though, he teaches her magic, and then she sticks Merlin in a tomb or a cave for the rest of eternity. Again, her motives vary - he's a creepy predator she's trying to ward off, or she's evil and wants power herself.
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  (#10) Guinevere's Sister Slaps Her And Starts A War

  Guinevere isn't the only problem child in her family. Apparently, her sister, Gwenhwyfach, also likes to cause some trouble. The Mabinogion relates that Guinevere is "chief queen" of Britain, and Gwenhwyfach is her sister, but it's another Welsh account that tells the tale of an epic slap Gwenhwyfach delivers to her royal sibling.

  This smack is one of the "Three Sinister Hard Slaps of Britain," each of which causes lots of trouble in Welsh mythology. In this case, somehow Gwenhwyfach's strike on Guinevere causes the Battle of Camlann, the final conflict between Arthur and his son-nephew Mordred, at which both men perish. (Or, alternatively, at which one perishes and one falls asleep forever.) There's really no explanation from how things escalate from a slap to a massive conflict, though.
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  (#11) Guinevere Hosts A Feast That Almost Gets Her Executed

  As Arthur's wife, Guinevere has to act as Camelot's hostess supreme, but that goes awry on one particular occasion. At one point, because she's pissed he took so long questing for the Holy Grail, she decides to banish her lover Lancelot. To show that she's an independent lady who doesn't need a man to be happy, she hosts a massive feast in his wake. At the feast, however, one of the invited knights eats some tainted food (usually an apple) and croaks!

  The Camelot Powers That Be accuse Guinevere of slaying him, and because no knight is willing to speak up for her innocence, they try to burn her at the stake. However, her champion Lancelot saves the day, and the Lady of the Lake uncovers the true culprit. Close call for Guin. 
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  (#12) Sir Gawain's Quest To Find Out What Women Want Gets Him An Ugly Wife

  Arthur's nephew Sir Gawain is no stranger to unfortunate quests. He is the one, after all, who has to spend a year searching for a massive Green Knight who wants to cut his head off. In addition to that series of unfortunate events, Gawain goes on a quest to find out what women love the most after he's challenged to figure out one of life's most enduring mysteries.

  On the trip, Gawain meets an ugly lady named Ragnell who says she'll give him the answer to his question if he marries her; he agrees, and she tells him that women most cherish power over men. Despite her appearance, Gawain goes forward with the ceremony, and when he kisses his wife, she turns into a hottie. She asks him to decide if he wants her ugly by day and pretty by night or the other way around, and Gawain lets her decide. In the end, Dame Ragnell winds up with everything she wanted, staying sexy all the time and getting the guy. 
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  (#13) Lancelot Is Almost Seduced By A Witch Who Likes Her Lovers Deceased

  On one of his journeys, Sir Lancelot meets a sorceress named Hellawes, who built a chapel housing a sword he has to retrieve. In exchange for the blade, she wants just one thing from him: a single lip-lock.

  Lancelot says no, which turns out to be a pretty good idea. Had he kissed her, he would have kicked the bucket. Lancelot leaves Hellawes, who likes her lovers nice and deceased, pining away behind him. She perishes not long after of love for him.
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  (#14) Arthur's Nephew Gets His Start Because Of His Really Nice Hands

  It's clear that Arthur's family causes him no end of trouble. But once in a while, his relatives are actually nice folks. Once upon a time, a handsome young man shows up at Camelot on a holy day, asking for three favors from Arthur. But he'll only name one: food for a year. He doesn't utter his name, so he's given the nickname "Beaumains," or "beautiful hands" in French, for his lovely hands and is given work in the kitchens.

  A year later, a lovely lady named Lynette seeks help from a knight for her sister; Beaumains winds up getting a nice horse and rides off to assist her. She's annoyed that a dishwasher is dispatched for this emergency. But after earning his knighthood for fighting Arthur's foster brother, Beaumains reveals his name - he's Gawain's little brother/Arthur's nephew, Gareth!

  He then goes to rescue Lynette's sister, Lyonesse, and falls head-over-armor for her. He has to serve her for a year before marrying her, but finally, after endless adventures, Lyonesse and Gareth wed - and Lynette ties the knot with his brother Gaheris.
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  (#15) Arthur's Cousin Wins His Wife By Taking A Magical Razor From A Boar

  Welsh traditions that include King Arthur in their stories are quite a bit different from the more familiar French and British versions of the Arthur stories. Take the tale of Arthur's cousin Culhwch and Olwen. Cursed by his stepmother to marry a giant's daughter named Olwen, Culhwch has to undergo a seemingly endless number of tasks to win her. He even has to enlist the help of Cousin Arthur and his court to get all the stuff done.

  One of these impossible tasks? Tracking down a magical boar named Twrch Trwyth, who somehow wears a magical pair of scissors and a razor. With the assistance of Arthur, his knights, and a magician named Mabon, Culhwch manages this, along with a bunch of other unusual jobs, and wins Olwen, whom he ends up falling madly in love with.

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