Random Best 'Simpsons' Gags (19 items)

• 

  (#1) Mr. Thompson

  Episode: Cape Feare

  The FBI is coaching Homer on his new identity for when he goes into the witness protection program.

  FBI Man #1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson, at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? So when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" you say "Hi."
  Homer: Check!
  FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
  [Homer stares blankly]
  FBI Man #1: [pauses] Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
  Homer: I gotcha!
  FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
  [again Homer stares blankly, FBI men stare at each other]
  [hours pass by]
  FBI Man #1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
  Homer: No problem.
  FBI Man #1: [stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
  Homer: [stares blankly again for a few seconds, whispers to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you.
• 

  (#2) Is It About My Cube?

  Episode: Homer the Smithers

  Homer Simpson: Okay Mr. Burns Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car." "You have 10 minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have 30 minutes to move your cube." [phone rings, Homer answers] Hello?
  Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
• 

  (#3) The Vending Machines

  Episode: Marge on the Lam

  Homer gets his hands trapped in two vending machines in the plant after work hours. After being trapped for hours, firemen and repairmen arrive.

  Repairman 1: Homer, this... this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to saw your arms off.
  [brandishes a buzzsaw]
  Homer: They'll grow back, right?
  Repairman 1: Oh... yeah.
  Homer: Whew!
  Repairman 2: Homer, are you just holding onto the can?
  Homer: Your point being...?
  [Homer walks out of the plant to the sound of laughing, then runs away]
• 

  (#4) The Big Sandwich

  Episode: Selma's Choice

  After noting that Homer seems horribly ill, Marge asks Homer if he's been eating a certain sandwich. Flashback to the company picnic, where a large submarine lies on a table. Carl talks to Homer.

  Carl: We hardly made a dent in that 10-foot hoagie.
  Homer: I'll give it a good home.
  [Homer eats the sandwich in front of the TV]
  Marge: You've been eating that sandwich for over a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
  Homer: Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.
  [Marge walks up to Homer with a vaguely blue-green sandwich-looking shape]
  Marge: Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away.
  Homer: Suggestion noted.
  [Marge leaves, Homer takes a big bite]
  [later, after he's been forced to throw it in the trash outside...]
  Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
  Marge: Are you going to eat it?
  Homer: [pause] Yes.
• 

  (#5) Steamed Hams

  Episode: 22 Short Films About Springfield

  The bit that became a meme.
• 

  (#6) Underground Sugar Caves

  Episode: Deep Space Homer

  Homer accidentally releases experiment ants in a space shuttle just as a live camera cuts to the interior for an interview.

  Kent Brockman: The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, "conquered" if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
• 

  (#7) Homer's Sugar

  Episode: Lisa's Rival

  Homer has stolen a load of sugar from a jacknifed truck on the road and he intends to make a fortune selling it, bits of broken glass and all. Marge confronts him to get rid of it since he's been spending all his time guarding the pile.

  Homer: You see, Marge? Do you see?
  Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
  Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
  Marge: Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?
  Homer: No!
  [Marge leaves, a swarm of bees lands on Homer and the sugar pile]
  Homer: Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! [gets stung] Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.
• 

  (#8) Clown College

  Episode: Homie the Clown

  Homer goes to clown college.

  Homer: Marge?
  Marge: [appearing to be in clown makeup to Homer] Yes, Homie? [hums the Barnum and Bailey Circus theme]
  Homer: [leaps to his feet] That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! [leaves]
  Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
• 

  (#9) Belt Onions

  Episode: Last Exit to Springfield

  The reason I have loved Grandpa Simpson throughout the history of the show can be traced back to exactly this speech.

  Grandpa: [to Mr. Burns as he's being interviewed to be a strike-breaker]: We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
• 

  (#10) The Gorge Fall

  Episode: Bart the Daredevil

  When Bart, wanting to be a stuntman, sets up an event to jump the Springfield Gorge on his skateboard, Homer takes his place to save his life. And falls. And falls. Possibly one of the funniest things anyone had seen on the show to date, and one of the reasons the show started to steamroll into TV history.
• 

  (#11) Fat Homer

  Episode: King Size Homer

  Homer arrives at a movie theater.

  Homer: One for "Honk," please.
  Ticket Dealer: Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager.
  Ticket Dealer: [to manager, referring to Homer] That overweight guy wants to see the movie.
  Manager: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.
  Homer: What are you talking about?
  Manager: What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.
  Homer: I can sit in the aisle.
  Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
  Bystander: Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: A Fridge Too Far!
  [the rapidly-assembling crowd laughs]
  Homer: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here to see Honk If You're Horny in peace.
  Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
  Homer: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.
• 

  (#12) Business Hammocks

  Episode: You Only Move Twice

  Hard to pick my favorite bit from this episode (this is easily Albert Brooks's best character on the show), but I'm going to have to forgo the sugar in the pockets gag for this one. The hammock district.

  Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
  Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
  Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
  Homer: Uh-huh.
  Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
  Homer: Mm-Hmm.
  Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex down on third.
  Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
  Hank Scorpio: That's right.
  [blows up the 59th Street Bridge to threaten the UN]
  Hank Scorpio: Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.
  [laughs]
  Hank Scorpio: I'm just kidding.
  Homer: Oh.
  Hank Scorpio: You know who invented the hammock, Homer?
  Homer: No.
  Hank Scorpio: There's something for you to do: find that out.
• 

  (#13) The Rakes

  Episode: Cape Feare

  Sideshow Bob has been released on parole and has stowed away on the bottom of the Simpsons' car to get to their secret witness relocation. He climbs out from under the car after being driven on a cactus-field "shortcut" and steps on a rake.

  The writers made a standard sight gag, repeated it until it wasn't funny anymore... then carried on repeating it till it started being funny again.
• 

  (#14) Rock Bottom

  Episode: Homer Badman

  Homer watches a heavily edited interview he did with Rock Bottom after he's accused of harassment by the babysitter.

  Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can... / so I grabbed / her / sweet can... / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can... / I just wish I had / her / sweet, sweet / s/s/sweet can...
  Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? [a still video shot of Homer looking lustful] Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further! [the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO! [freeze frames on the screaming Godfrey]
  Announcer: Dramatization may not have happened.
• 

  (#15) The Wig

  Episode: Two Bad Neighbors

  In an ongoing prank-off with their new neighbor - George H.W. Bush - Homer and Bart manage to glue a clown wig to his head.

  Barbara: George, it's time to get dressed.
  George: N'uh huh. Not going outside today, not with those neighbors. Staying right here till my speech to the Elks Club.
  Homer: [knocking at door] Yoo hoo!
  George: Who is it?
  [looks through spy hole without glasses on, sees two figures]
  Homer: It's your sons, George Bush Jr. and Jeb Bush. Come outside, Dad.
  George: Bar, the boys are out in the front yard. They'll help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons.
  Barbara: Oh, George, is that all you ever think about? The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation.
  George: [opening door] Boys? [Homer pulls them out of the way] Where are you going?
  Homer: Okay, Son. Give him the glue!
  [Bart squeezes some glue onto Bush's hair]
  [Homer slaps a rainbow clown wig on Bush's head]
  [they run off, laughing]
  [later, at the Elks Club]
  George: And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism in all its forms! [everyone claps] Now, are there any questions? [everyone puts their hands up] Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair. [everyone puts their hands down]
• 

  (#16) Forget Grandpa

  Episode: The Shinning

  The Simpsons take a road trip on a Tuesday.

  Homer: Well it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
  Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
  Homer: D'oh!
  [Wednesday]
  Homer: Well it's been two long trips but we're finally almost there again.
  Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
  Homer: D'oh d'oh!
  [Thursday]
  Lisa: Oh no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [Homer keeps driving] What about Grandpa?
• 

  (#17) Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment

  • TV Episode

  Episode: Homer vs. the Eighteen Amendment

  Bart: You sure look stupid in that green dress, Lis.
  Lisa: That's funny, I don't feel stupid
  [Bart gets mobbed and pinched at school]
  Lisa: No one's pinching his legs!
  [kids pinch his legs]
• 

  (#18) Stark Raving Dad

  • TV Episode

  Episode: Stark Raving Dad

  Homer meets Leon Kompowsky, who believes he's Michael Jackson, in a mental institution.

  Homer: What'd you say your name was?
  Leon: Michael Jackson.
  Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
  Leon: Well have you heard of MTV?
  Homer: No.
  Leon: Motown?
  Homer: No.
  ​​​​​​​Leon: "Beat It"?
  Homer: You beat it!
  ​​​​​​​Leon: "Thriller"?
  Homer: What was that last one?
  Leon: "Thriller."
  Homer: No.
• 

  (#19) Bart the General

  • TV Episode

  Episode: Bart the General

  Bart accidentally punches Nelson.

  Yellow Weasel: Nelson, you're bleeding!
  Nelson: Nah, it happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me. [sniffs] Hey, wait a minute, you're right. [points at Bart] You made me bleed my own blood.

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