(#11) Dudley Do-Right
- Sarah Jessica Parker, Brendan Fraser, Alfred Molina, Kathie Lee Gifford, Eric Idle, Alex Rocco, Robert Prosky, Corey Burton, Jack Kehler, Louis Mustillo, Jed Rees, Don Yesso, Dyllan Christopher, Brant von Hoffman
Brendan Fraser is perfect casting for Jay Ward's George of the Jungle, a Tarzan riff in which a moronic white savior kept swinging on vines into trees. Lightning doesn't strike twice, however, as Fraser's portrayal of Mountie Dudley Do-Right falls completely flat.
Worst of all, though, is how terrible Alfred Molina comes across as arch-villain Snidely Whiplash. A great actor and a great character, both Molina and Whiplash deserve better.
(#17) Æon Flux
- Charlize Theron, Frances McDormand, Jonny Lee Miller, Pete Postlethwaite, Sophie Okonedo, Stuart Townsend, Marton Csokas, Amelia Warner, Yangzom Brauen, Anatole Taubman, Caroline Chikezie, Paterson Joseph, Billy Morts, Milton Welsh, Wolfgang Stegemann, Betty Okino, Lavinia Wilson, Mickey Nedimovic, Timmi Trinks, Peggy Flood, Narges Rashidi, Wil Röttgen, Nikolai Kinski, Bruno Bruni Jr., Joost Siedhoff, Megan Gay, Terry Bartlett, Thomas Huber, Ralph Herforth, Jannik Büddig, Shaun Lawton, Axel Schreiber, Mehmet Yilmaz, Maverick Quek, Claudine Biswas, Claas Würfel, Weijian Liu, Karolin Peiter, Lilja Löffler, Michael Pink, Joachim Schoenfeld, Mirko Lang, Alexander Flache, Natacza Boon, Marianne Sonneck, Martha Fessehatzion, Bojan Heyn, Rainer Will, Charlie Beall, Robin Gooch, Phil Hay, Ronald Marx, Anna De Carlo, Nils Dommning, Aoibheann O'Hara, Kim Pfeiffer, Tamara Röhl, Justin Schierlo, Clio Burggraeve, Khira Lilli Pobanz, Alex Benjamin, Katie Mullins
Aeon Flux probably could never have worked. The show is just too avant-garde, too cavalier about disregarding continuity and the whole good vs. evil paradigm. And it's all set in a future world that would require a massive budget to recreate onscreen.
Director Karyn Kusama tried, and caught between studio regimes, wound up making a film even more compromised than she imagined, one that tied Aeon's world to our modern world in an awkward and obnoxious way that felt like a betrayal of the source material. Also, they couldn't get the basics right - Aeon's costume was all wrong, and love-hate interest Trevor Goodchild didn't even have his signature blond hair.
Still, a cartoon-accurate Aeon Flux would allow for any number of reboots, so maybe someone will try again someday. Maybe.
(#10) The Smurfs
- Katy Perry, Sofía Vergara, Joan Rivers, Neil Patrick Harris, Hank Azaria, Alan Cumming, Paul Reubens, Jayma Mays, George Lopez, Anton Yelchin, Jeff Foxworthy, John Oliver, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Jonathan Winters, Frank Welker, Olivia Palermo, Tim Gunn, Tom Colicchio, Wolfgang Puck, B. J. Novak, Skai Jackson, John Kassir, Tom Kane, Liz Smith, Gary Basaraba, Julie Chang, Mark Doherty, Madison McKinley Garton, Cosondra Sjostrom, Michael Musto, Joel McCrary, John Speredakos, Scott Dillin, Jacob Bertrand, Joe Urban, Meg Phillips, Mario D'Leon, Heidi Armbruster, Finnerty Steeves, Marc I. Daniels, Sean Ringgold, Nicholas Martorell Jr., Mike Murga, Jojo Gonzalez, Victor Pagan, Barbara Vincent, Alex Hall, Tyree Michael Simpson, Bradley Gosnell, Andrew Sellon, Julianna Rigoglioso, Paula Pizzi, Mahadeo Shivraj, Sean Kenin, Roger Clark, Eric Redgate, Clint Headley, Daria Rae Figlo, Mr. Krinkle, Adria Baratta, Ryan E. Kelly, Julia Enescu, Hank, Jalen William Desmond, Lauren Waggoner, Minglie Chen
Peyo's Smurfs comics are set in a medieval time and a distant forest, something Sony Animation might just return to after two live-action duds that skim right over that and instead place the characters in contemporary New York.
Just watch the clip above, if you dare. The Smurfs singing their Hanna-Barbera theme song to the strains of "Walk This Way" on Guitar Hero might just mark the epitome of modern-day bastardization of childhood favorites. Yes, it's that bad.
(#3) Inspector Gadget 2
- D. L. Hughley, Jeff Bennett, French Stewart, Bruce Spence, Elaine Hendrix, Caitlin Wachs, Sigrid Thornton, Tony Martin, John Batchelor, Mark Mitchell, Remi Broadway, Brian McDermott, Mungo McKay, Alethea McGrath, Evert McQueen, Todd Levi, Nick Lawson, Tim Boyle, Chris Cruickshanks, Louise Boothby, Jacy Lewis, Mary Hendrix, James Wardlaw, Monette Lee, Nick Backstrom, Mick Roughlan, Jan Nary, Siros Niaros, Kate Peters
In the first live-action Inspector Gadget, Matthew Broderick makes for an okay substitute for the Don Adams-voiced incompetent detective.
French Stewart is NOT an okay substitute for Matthew Broderick in the straight to DVD sequel.
(#14) Transformers: Dark of the Moon
- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Shia LaBeouf, John Malkovich, Patrick Dempsey, Hugo Weaving, Leonard Nimoy, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Frances McDormand, Alan Tudyk, John Turturro, Ken Jeong, Frank Welker, Tom Kenny, George Coe, James Remar, John DiMaggio, Meredith Monroe, Andy Daly, Peter Cullen, Jess Harnell, Kevin Dunn, Charlie Adler, Mindy Sterling, Maile Flanagan, Keiko Agena, Elya Baskin, Robert Foxworth, Jim Meskimen, Julie White, Glenn Morshower, Keith Szarabajka, Iqbal Theba, Ravil Isyanov, Reno Wilson, Sammy Sheik, Tom Virtue, Lester Speight, Mark Ryan, Scott Krinsky, Francesco Quinn, Chris Sheffield, David Hill, Anthony Azizi, David St. James, John Turk, Liam Ferguson, Jesse Heiman, Thomas Crawford, John H. Tobin, Jack Axelrod, Kathleen Gati, Matthew James Gulbranson, Greg Berg, Annie O'Donnell, Ron Bottitta, Danny McCarthy, Peter Murnik, Stephen Taylor, Elena Kolpachikova, Keith Middlebrook, John Farrer, Jennifer Williams, William Haze, Darren O'Hare, Larry Clarke, Markiss McFadden, Inna Korobkina, Lindsey Ginter, Kevin Sizemore, Eugene Alper, Kef Lee, Alan Pietruszewski, Abi McKenzie, Joel Thingvall, Erik Kowalski, James D. Weston II, WBBrown II, Yasen Peyankov, Michael Daniel Cassady, Patrick Pankhursts, Rich Hutchman, Dustin Dennard, Brett Stimely, Katherine Sigismund, Ian Bonner, Kristoffer Kjornes, Ken Takemoto, Zoran Radanovich, Kaitlan Welton, Jeremy McLain, Niko El Santo Zavero, Bob Kaye, Josh Kelly, Scott C. Roe, Drew Pillsbury, Robert Herrick, Karen E. Wright, Jim Nieciecki, LaMonica Garrett, Zander Gerhardt, Don Jeanes, Luis Echagarruga, Christian Baha, Larry Carter, Lawrence G. Lozano, Michael Saglimbeni, Jake Won Lee, Daniel Okeefe, Derek Miller, Taylor McCluskey, Mikal Vega, Matt Cinquanta, Eva Marie Lardani, Christopher Mur, Matt McVay, Danielle Fornarelli, Chris A. Robinson, Jay Gates, Mark Golden, Ajay James, Brett Lynch, John S. McAfee, Jillana Laufer, Mitch Bromwell, Leidy Mazo, Rebecca Cooper, Aaron Garrido, Sean Murphy, Nick Bickle, Joshua Farcone, Kenny Sheard, Cory Tucker, Pete Kelly, Charlotte Labadie, Michael Loeffelholz, Bonecrusher the Mastiff, Scott Paulson, Brian Call, Vincent Conti, Eric Berlynn, Victor Saigh, Amal Torich, Michael Paul, Jason Neisewander, Jason Endicott, Alicia Hamilton, Tony Cronin, Rodney Luis Aquino, Gena Ellis, Andrew Biesen, Adam Critchlow, Jennifer Gorka, William H. Worden, Dean Napolitano, David Michael Williamson, Jordan Michael Coulson, Mike Ciannilli, Christina Putnam, Ina Lereine, Gracie Zane, Mino Mackic
A lot of people hate all the Transformers movies, but Dark of the Moon deserves special attention for neglect of the show's core premise: it forgets it's supposed to be about robots that transform, and in robot form look somewhat like the thing they become. New villain Shockwave never transforms into anything, nor does the giant robo-snake he rides around Chicago. Laserbeak, meanwhile, can become anything at any time. Other robots fly around in vehicles rather than simply becoming them.
Most damning is that every transformation in the movie, beginning to end, adds up to just over three minutes of footage. In a movie that runs 154 minutes.
(#1) Dragonball Evolution
- Emmy Rossum, Jamie Chung, James Marsters, Chow Yun-Fat, Ernie Hudson, Justin Chatwin, Joon Park, Texas Battle, Randall Duk Kim, Julian Sedgwick, Eriko Tamura, Shavon Kirksey, Jon Valera, Megumi Seki, Mike Wilson, Luis Arrieta, Freddy Bouciegues, Rafael Valdez, Richard Blake
Dragonball is a cartoon so stylized that making it in live-action is a fool's errand to begin with, and the moment anybody even attempted to style Justin Chatwin's hair into a Goku 'do, it should have been a red flag.
By the time he turns into a giant were-ape at the movie's climax (yes, seriously), the accumulated red flags ought to have summoned a herd of angry bulls. The video above sums it up best.
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