-
(#1) Rosebud
- Oct 21 1993
"Have the Rolling Stones Killed."
It's almost impossible to pick the best Simpsons Episode, but this one is easily in the top 5, and I put it at the top because that's just the kind of day it is. Of course, this is a Swartzwelder ep, probably all these in the top 10 or even 20 are.
Smithers: I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.
(Audience gasps)
Smithers: And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
Homer: Are you ready to laugh? -
(#2) Last Exit to Springfield
- Mar 11 1993
Lisa Needs Braces - DENTAL PLAN
So much awesomeness. This is possibly a perfect episode in terms of structure. But down to the details, every single one is gold. The Grinch parody with Mr. Burns, Lisa's protest guitarin', the Smartline bits, the dentists office...
This ep was also the source of Grandpa's awesome Union buster speech to mr Burns:
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
Boy: You can't treat the working man this way. One day we'll form a union and get the fair and equittable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
(Years Later)
Mr. Burns: If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.Lisa: Do you really think you can get our dental plan back, dad?
Homer: Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...
Bart: Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
Homer: Done and done!Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph.
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? -
(#3) A Fish Called Selma
- Mar 24 1996
I wanted to put this one at #1, but couldn't deny the awesome of Rosebud. Still, the Planet of the Apes musical still makes me laugh myself to death.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Parker: Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs) So to answer your question: I don't know.
Troy: Uh, the movie or the planet?
Parker: The brand-new multimillion dollar musical. And you are starring… as the human.
Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby! -
(#4) Homie the Clown
- Feb 12 1995
The visual gag of homer obsessed with Clown College and seeing everything around him as bobbing clowns is one that has stayed with me forever and ever.
"Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business! "
Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown: But I thought the Generals were due.
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. That game is fixed! -
(#5) Selma's Choice
- Jan 21 1993
First of all. The sandwich. Maybe if not for the sandwich, I wouldn't have put this one so high. But ... sandwich, I could never stay mad at you.
Homer (to sandwich): Another foot and it'll fit in the fridge!
Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Also. Duff Gardens. Nuff said.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: (short silence) ...Yes. -
(#6) You Only Move Twice
- Nov 03 1996
Albert Brooks is Scorpio. This is easily my favorite of his many Simpsons roles. So. So. Funny.
I quote almost everything Hank Scoprio said... constantly, and every time I see it, I still laugh.
Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That's right.
Hank Scorpio:What happened?... When did that happen?... How much of it?... Oh my goodness, I'll be right up!
[Hangs up the phone]
Hank Scorpio: Homer, I've gotta go, there's a problem upstairs! Somebody ate part of my lunch! -
(#7) King-Size Homer
- Nov 05 1995
Like so many of these great, great episodes, you have to see them in action to appreicate the nuance of the timing and the character animation. Watching Homer walk as a fat man is honestly brilliant. The scene where he's sitting on his couch in his mummu waving his "reaching broom" at the kids who are staring at him through the window is pure awesome.
Woman on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? -
(#8) Marge vs. the Monorail
- Jan 14 1993
Marge: I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should have written a song like that guy.This is possibly one of the best epsiodes that Conan O'Brien wrote for the Simpsons. The song alone is worth its #9 slot. Not to mention the Town Hall conversations surrounding the song. Pure brilliance. Decisions by Committee at their finest!
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman. -
(#9) Homer the Smithers
- Feb 25 1996
Another brilliant Swartzelder ep. Mr. Burns could be one of my top 5 favorite characters, and this ep is full of everything that makes him so great.
Homer: Here are your messages: You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube.
Bart: What did you get that for?
(Phone Rings)
Homer: Hello, Mr. Burns' office.
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a 3rd story window.
Bart: Makes sense to me.
Lisa: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a doctor? -
(#10) Cape Feare
- Oct 07 1993
Although I was never a huge fan of Sideshow Bob, I appreciate a lot of the kinds of humor he could bring.
But this episode makes this list on two brilliant things all by itself.
One)
The Rake Gag
Two)
[Home is in an office with two FBI men letting him know about going to the federal witness protection program]
FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you. -
(#11) Bart's Inner Child
- Nov 11 1993
It's so funny that one of my favorite episodes wasn't super well-received at the time of airing. But it contains two of my favorite Simpsons' storylines. Brad Goodman and the Trampoline. Brad Goodman, of course, was voice by the awesome Albert Brooks, and is, again, brilliant.
Brad Goodman is a reference to John Bradshaw, an author whose books gave us the notion of the `inner child'. Bradshaw used hilariously simple line drawings to get his points across (cf. the circle Goodman draws on the blackboard) and had no professional training or credentials. (Oh my god, it's Glen Beck!!)
Brad: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training", but I tell you one thing: I'm a Ph.D. in pain. Now let me show you how you can change your life. [Steps to a blackboard] Troy, this circle is you. [draws one]
Goodman: You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder in the "Feel Bad Rainbow." Let's look at the rainbow: what's in there? [reads list] Depression, insomnia, motor-mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness, bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, geriatric profanity disorder (or GPD), and chronic nagging.
Troy: My God, it's like you've known me all my life! -
(#12) A Milhouse Divided
- Dec 01 1996
This episode introduced me to another one of my favorite characters, Kirk Van Houten... Milhouse's dad who gets divorced from Milhouse's mom in this one. Some of the visual gags are my all-time favorites: Kirk's hilarious bachelor apartment... the awesome, dated 70s reject, goodwill furniture and the name: Casa Nova: A Transitional Place For Singles.
Kirk: Single life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.
Homer: The one down the hall?
Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh, yeah...And Kirk's beautiful, beautiful song he sings at the end to win his wife back (failing)
Can I borrow a feeling?
Could you lend me a jar of love?
Hurtin' hearts need some healin'.
Take my hand with your glove of love. -
(#13) Radioactive Man
- Sep 24 1995
I admit that so much of this ep is hilarious because it makes fun of the film industry. But it also contains Ranier Wolfcastle. Which is an automatic +10.
Director: Okay, listen up everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it, so we have to do it just right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety, moments before he's hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people.
Wolfcastle: Real acid?Wolfcastle: My Eyes! The Goggles, they do nothing!
Martin: Uh, Sir, why don't you just use real cows?
Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses.
Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
Painter: Eh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together. -
(#14) Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?
- Aug 27 1992
Oh Swartzwelder, so much funny. Danny DeVito returns as Homer's brother, whom Homer had ruined in a previous episode thanks to "The Homer", the development of a car that destroyed Herb's multi-million dollar auto company.
TV Announcer: Except for huge gaps in the western states, "Hands Across America" was a complete success.
Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.
Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?!
Homer: I tried, but I can't. -
(#15) Homer Badman
- Nov 27 1994
Homer is accused of sexual assault when he pulls the Gummmi Venus De Milo off the babysitter's ass. But the true star of this episode is the TV show "Rock Bottom", which is a direct mockery of "Hard Copy" and the satire is spot on.
(In an edited version of his interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices can be told because the clock in the background keeps changing times.)
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can... / so I grabbed / her / sweet can... / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can... / I just wish I had / her / sweet, sweet / s/s/sweet can...
Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? (we see a still video shot of Homer looking lustful) Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further! (the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in) No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO!
(freeze frames on the screaming Godfrey)
Announcer: Dramatization may not have happened.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have. -
(#16) The Twisted World of Marge Simpson
- Jan 19 1997
Marge wants to start her own business and (after an awesome trip to the Franchise Convention) decides on Pretzels. Which Homer helps her fund by borrowing money from the mafia.
Frank: Congratulations, and welcome to the dynamic world of mobile pretzel retailing.
Marge: When can I start? Where's my territory?
Frank: Your..territory...well, lemme tell ya. Wherever a young mother is ignorant of what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you will be there.
Marge: Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating!
(Homer walks by)
Homer: Hey, pretzels!Marge: Homer! Did you tell the mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder?
Homer: (swallowing beer) In those words? Yes.This is a black day for baseball...
Bart: Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford.
Homer: You can call them Whitey-whackers! -
(#17) Mr. Plow
- Nov 19 1992
Homer buys a truck with a plow on it and starts up a business plowing driveways. He does well until Barney steals his idea and takes all his customers.
Homer: Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
Salesman: Your wife? (cracks an imaginary whip)
Homer: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you
make that noise?
Salesman: (cracks his whip again)
Homer: Okay, I'll take itMan: Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors.
Homer: Now we play the waiting game..... Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!
Homer: Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, you know, from Leave It To Beaver.... Yeah they were gay. -
(#18) Lemon of Troy
- May 14 1995
Shelbyville steals the town's beloved lemon tree, and the boys go on a mission to get it back. This episode is beautifully paced and put together. It doesn't have the knock-you-down laughs of some of the others on this list, but it's really just well done.
Mrs. Krabappel: Children, please! If you don't learn Roman numerals you'll never know the years certain motion pictures were copy-righted.
Nelson: (enters classroom) Everybody come quick, something's happened, no time to explain.
Mrs. Krabappel: No, children, no, your education is important! Roman numerals, etc... Whatever. I tried. (lights a cigaretteBart: Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.
Martin: Team Discovery Channel!
Nelson: Aww ... your wussiness better come in handyBart: (to group) If you get lost remember, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun
Bart: Oh, it's no use. I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute ... there's a lemon behind that rock! -
(#19) Bart Sells His Soul
- Oct 08 1995
Once I started writing about this ep, I actually had to move it up the list. There is so much awesome stuff in here - Moe's re-imainging of his bar into a TGIF-type family restaurant, the prank Bart plays on the church organ lady making her play the entire "In the Garden of Eden", Milhouse's eyebrows.
Bart: Well if your soul is real where is it?
Milhouse: (touching his chest) It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!
Bart: What if you die in a submarine, at the bottom of the ocean?
Milhouse: Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.Dr. Hibbert: All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight?
Kid #1: The Spaghetti Laboratory!
Kid #2: Face Stuffers!
Kid #3: Professor P. J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery!
Dr. Hibbert: How about this place?..."Moe's"Moe: No c'mon, I need a name that says "friendly all-American cooking."
Grandma Van Houten: You dial 91, and then when I say so, dial 1 again!
Homer: How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok?
Barney: I like it!
Moe: Nah, I want something that says people can have a nice relaxing time.
Homer: I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!
Barney: I like it!
Moe: Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag?
Barney: I hate it. -
(#20) Much Apu About Nothing
- May 05 1996
This is a brilliant example of the exact kind of cultural satire this show was capable of. Sadly, so much of this hilarious episode is actually reflected in our society... sans humor. This ep is also Matt Groenig's #3 personal favorite.
Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm!
Bodyguard: Sir, there's an angry mob here to see you.
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, dad.
Homer: Why thank you, honey.
Lisa: By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Hmm. How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Hmm... Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Bodyguard: Yes.
principal Skinner: I phoned ahead! -
(#21) Bart the Daredevil
- Dec 06 1990
Lance Murdoch: Bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world.
This episode also contains probably one of the funniest all-time Simpsons scenes ever when Homer jumps the Gorge on Bart's skateboard and spends 2 minutes falling down the cliff to land at the bottom. We then see him driven away in an ambulance which hits a tree, Homer rolls out the back strapped to his stretcher and promptly falls back over the cliff.
The first time I saw that gag, I think I may have actually died. -
(#22) Krusty Gets Busted
- Apr 29 1990
The first ep where Sideshow Bob becomes a main character, and goes on to become a recurring criminal figure on the show. He frames Krusty so he can take over the show.
Sideshow Bob: My young friends, for years I have been silent, save for the crude glissandos of this primitive wind instrument. (Holds up slide whistle.) But now, destiny has thrust me into the center ring. In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program. Please do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here. But we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette, and all the lively arts.
(Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise.)
Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I’m so happy you’re all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children’s toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes -
(#23) One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
- Jan 24 1991
This one doesn't, perhaps, hold up as well as some. Mostly because it's pretty early and the animation is still a bit crude. But I included it because when I first saw it, it made me laugh for days. And even now, I still have enormous chunks of it in my brain. Everything to do with Homer dealing with the fact that he's going to die... from reading the brochure in the doctor's office ("So, You're Going To Die")
Dr. Hibbert: You have twenty-four hours to live.
Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: Twenty-four hours!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long
Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: The second is anger.
Homer: Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. Hibbert: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me. -
(#24) Bart of Darkness
- Sep 04 1994
A heat wave in springfield leads the Simpsons to getting a swimming pool. This ep is a direct spoof of Rear Window with Jimmy Stewart.
Ice Cream Man: (shouting as he drives by) Ice cream! Ice cream! We are all out of ice cream!
911 Recording: If you know the 3-digit number of the crime being committed, please enter it now.
Pool Salesman: Over here we have the Hick Tub, the Insta-Rust, there's the Lightning-magnet, this is the Tinkler…
(Bart enters code)
You've entered the code for regicide. If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered..
Homer: Ooooh! The Tinkler! I like the sound of that. -
(#25) Lisa the Greek
- Jan 23 1992
Lisa has a knack for predicting the outcomes of football games and Homer uses this to gamble quite successfully.
Homer: You see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
TV - Coach: You want some of this don't you?
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh, somewhere in the back.
Homer: Yeah!
TV - Coach: Well, you need to know the winner, and I know the winner! So call me now…whoah. (speaking faster) Five dollars for the first minute, two dollars for each additional minute!
(Homer calls)
Phone Message: You.... have reached... the... coaches... hot...
Homer: Line...
Phone Message: Line...
Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, coach!
Phone Message: In the game of.... Mi..am..i..
Homer: Mmmhmm.
Phone Message: Versus Cin..
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: Cin...
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: nat..
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: ti...
Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!!
Phone Message: We must consider... many... things.... The wind...
Homer: D'oh, not the wind!
Phone Message: Is blowing out of the....west.
Homer: Oow...
Phone Message: At five...
Homer: Miles per hour!!!
Phone Message: miles...
Homer: D'oh, this is ridiculous! -
(#26) Flaming Moe's
- Nov 21 1991
Over the years Moe has really been turned into a rather boring caricature of his original self, but in the beginning, he was always good to go to for pure, unadulterated misanthropy. There are things about this ep that I don't love, but it's a classic for good reason. The cheers parody being one of them.
Moe: Business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! (slams the door, then put his head back round) Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. -
(#27) Kamp Krusty
- Sep 24 1992
Lord of the Flies, with funny.
Mr. Black: Well kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery, and turned it into a summer wonderland - Mr. Krusty the Klown!
(But instead of the real Krusty, it's a dishevelled Barney Gumble, crudely disguised)
Mr. Black: Now I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.
Milhouse: Krusty looks fat!
Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance!
Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny!
Bart: (angry) That's not Krusty the Klown!!
(The other kids gasp)
Mr. Black: Well, what do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? (laughs nervously)
Barney: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown! (belches)Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! WE WANT KRUSTY! (the other kids join in the chant) WE WANT KRUSTY! WE WANT KRUSTY!
Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Bart: Oh dad! You're the best father a boy could ever have.
Dolph: Not quite. This is "Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel." Nine out on ten orphans can't tell the difference
Homer: Thanks son. Now you've got little hands.. could you reach under the mower and pull out that skate? -
(#28) Brush with Greatness
- Apr 11 1991
Professor Lombardo as voiced by Jon Lovitz, is, to my mind, the best thing Jon Lovitz has ever done. I quote him constantly. This is also the Mt. Splashmore episode as well as the unveiling of Marge's painting of nude mr. Burns.
Splashmore Commercial Song: I wanna go to Mount Splashmore, take me take me take me take me now! Now now now now now! Mount Splashmore take me there right now!
Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.
Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did. -
(#29) Bart Gets Famous
- Feb 03 1994
Bart becomes an overnight sensation with a catch-phrase. This is Swartzwelder, and another classic. The box factory tour is one of my favorite bits. There are a ton of entertainment industry jokes in here.
Lisa: If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.
Bart: Obnoxious fad?
Homer: Aw, don't worry, son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel--that little snot boy! I'd like to smash that kidBox Factory Tour Guide: This is the most popular room in the tour.
Milhouse: It's just like the other rooms.
Box Factory Tour Guide: Yes, but with one important difference. (Looks to his side) Oh, they took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.Milhouse: (pointing out the window) What's that building over there?
Box Factory Tour Guide: That's just a TV studio where they film Krusty the Clown and other non-box-related programs. Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds.Lisa: I've got a weekend job helping the poor and I'm only eight.
Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight...a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with funny Sonny Storm.
Homer: That's not a job, it's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothing! What satisfaction you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody! -
(#30) The Boy Who Knew Too Much
- May 05 1994
Bart plays hooky from school and witnesses Freddie Quimby NOT beating up the clumsy 'clouseau-esqe' waiter.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.
Marge: Your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying. "Shoot em' all and let God sort it out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.
Lionel Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge Snyder: You rest your case?
Lionel Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed. -
(#31) Brother from the Same Planet
- Feb 04 1993
I think a few years ago, I would have put this one higher. For a while it was probably my emotional favorite because of a few star gags... but overally it can't compete with some of the eps higher on this list. It still comes in at 31, however, because it really is... pretty damn great.
Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know the constellations.
Homer: Well, there's… Jerry the Cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing is Alan… the Cowboy.Corey: Hi, you've reached the Corey hot-line. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, montessori...
Bart: Remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac!," and when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?
Homer: Yeah.
Bart: Will you teach me how to do that?
Homer: Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing until he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying down on the ground,...
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Kick him in the ribs.
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Step on his neck.
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: And run like hell. -
(#32) Homer's Barbershop Quartet
- Sep 30 1993
How much do I love the Grammy joke? Thank god there was a clip of it available.
Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album!Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
Bart: Thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago.
Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
(Homer, Marge, and Lisa laugh)
Bart: No, Really I can't. It's a serious problem.
(Homer, Marge, and Lisa laugh,
Bart starts to laugh)
Bart: What are we all laughing about -
(#33) Bart the General
- Feb 04 1990
A season one ep, but practially perfect despite some of the awkwardness of the character animation. The writing is spot on, and still holds up despite being 20 years old.
Grampa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.
Herman: Armistice treaty, article four. "Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five. "Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six. "Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood." -
(#34) A Streetcar Named Marge
- Oct 01 1992
As I see this ep has come in at 34, it feels wrong. This one should be in the top 10, and yet... I can't evict any of the ones above it. So much classic stuff here, not to mention the brilliance of Alf Clausen's music for the play. Which alone, should make it in the top 10.
Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I've directed three plays in my career and I've had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning for a fourth.
Bart: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?
Sinclair: Tonight you'll be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites to white hot grease fires of pure entertainment. (To Otto) Except you, you're not working out. I'll be playing your part.
Marge: Um, I don't think so.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions... Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No, Homer!
Otto: Drag. -
(#35) Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
- Feb 07 1997
Mary Poppins.
Shary: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.
Homer: Did you say Mary Pop---
Shary: No, I definitely did not. I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse, or Monald Muck.Homer: Shary Bobbins, I need another beer!
Bart: Ma, could you get me some milk?
Shary: Well you know, Homer (singing) If there's a task that must be done, you'll find it's much more fun --
Homer: You'll find it's even MORE fun if YOU get the beer for ME!
Shary (singing): But the beer will taste more sweet, if you get up off your seat!
Bart: Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.
Marge: Can't you get it yourself?
Bart: No, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid.
(makes noises like he desperately needs something to drink)
Marge: Oh, all right, all right! I'll get your milk. (goes into the kitchen)
Bart: Thank you.
Marge: (from the kitchen) Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?
All: No.
(Marge returns with Bart's glass of milk)
Homer: Marge, get me a beer. -
(#36) Lisa the Simpson
- Mar 08 1998
Lisa thinks she is doomed to be dumb.
Guy: I'm sorry little girl, we just don't put people on TV, unless of course you're replying to an editorial.
Lisa: Uh...I am! I'm strongly opposed to...proposition, ah, 3...0...5!
Guy: You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
Lisa: Uh, you bet I am!Homer: Marge, give me your address book, four beers, and my conversation hat.
Television: Man has always loved his buildings, but what happens when the buildings say, "No more."
(Images of buildings collapsing appear on the screen, Bart and Homer cheer)
Homer: I didn't think it was gonna fall over.
Bart: The best part was when the buildings fell down! -
(#37) Bart the Lover
- Feb 13 1992
This one is just brilliant. Swear jar. Building the dog house. And of course, Bart pretending to be Ms. Krabappel's secret admirer.
(From the education filmstrip the kids watch in class)
Jimmy: Hey, what gives?
Jimmy's Dad: You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc Jimmy. Well now your car has no battery.
Jimmy: But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by 6:00. I better give her a call.
Jimmy's Dad: Sorry Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.
Jimmy: Dear God! What have I done?
(Jimmy pulls out a gun and points it to his head and fires)
Jimmy's Dad: Think again Jimmy. You see the firing pin in your gun was made out of…yep…zinc.
Jimmy: Come back zinc, Come Back!!Ned: I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys!
Bart: Hey, Mom. Did you save Dad's love letters?
Homer: Oh, come on, now, Flanders! I don't complain about your…moustache!
Ned: What's wrong with my moustache?
Homer: It makes you look like you've got something to hide.
Ned: What?
Homer: People are talking. Lots of people.
Ned: Okay, mister. You've got yourself a deal. I'll shave off the soup strainer if you give the sailor talk the ol' heave-ho. Okay?
Homer: Aye aye! Admiral Butthead.
Marge: Of course I saved them. Well actually, there's only one. It's more of a love postcard from some brewery he visited.
Homer drunk V.O.: Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge. But you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels here (undecipherable slurring) five dollars?! Get outta here!
Bart: Wow, the side of Dad I've never seen. -
(#38) Two Bad Neighbors
- Jan 14 1996
Remember George Bush Senior? Remember? Those were the good old days, eh? Oh, how I wish I could have found a clip of the scene with Bush in the rainbow clown wig.
George Bush: Well let's see now. What do you folks have here, huh? Hmmm…a "Krusty Burger"... that doesn't sound to appetizing, what kinda stew do you have today?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Uuuh... we don't have stew.
(Homer honks his horn continuously.)
Ray: Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?
George Bush: That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
Homer: (still honking) Hey, jerk, move your fanny!
George Bush: That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go and see what the rhubarb is, will ya?
Ray: (to Homer) Sir, could you pop your hood?
(Loosens some wires making his horn stop working.)
Homer: (yelling after Ray) Hey! My taxes paid for that horn!Marge: Are you interested in that motorized tie rack principal Skinner?
("Two bad neighbors" banner hangs from Bush's house, with a poorly spray painted figures of Homer and Bart on it)
principal Skinner: Hmm...it's awfully loud.
Marge: Well...you could always take the motor out, and use it as an ordinary tie rack!
principal Skinner: Hm, but now the ties are motionless. And those at the back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a new point that I only have one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass
(principal Skinner leaves and then returns a few seconds later.)
principal Skinner: Have you sold that tie rack yet?
Marge: No.
principal Skinner: I'll take it.
Dr. Hibbert: I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors?
George Bush: No! That's not Bar and me, it's them!
Ned: Who, Maude and me?
George Bush: No, the man and his boy. You know, the- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man?
Barbara Bush: I'm not getting involved, George.
George Bush: Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straight forward, but I'll just take it down. -
(#39) The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
- Feb 09 1997
This was a rare one from later seasons after the show started to sort of lose writers and quality. But some of the commentary, the gags, really shone. Poking fun at the idea of a show going stale and the terrible, unimaginative ways to "fix" it... we've all seen it happen a million times.
Krusty: Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. (Pictures on a man on the moon appear in the background) 1969: Man walks on the moon. (picture of astronaut playing golf on the moon) 1971: Man walks on the moon… again. Then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight.
Homer: Will this episode be going to air live?
June: No Homer, very few cartoons go to air live. It's a tremendous strain on the animators.Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free! What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode everHomer: I'm the worst Poochie, ever.
Krusty: (Brainstorming about Poochie) So he's proactive, huh?
Lisa: No, it's not your fault, Dad. You did fine. It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by sprouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
Network Executive: Oh God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but, "proactive" and "paradigm?" Aren't those just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
(Silent pause in the room.)
Writer: I'm fired, aren't I?
Roger Meyers Jr.: Oh, yes. -
(#40) Homer the Great
- Jan 08 1995
The Stonecutters. The Stonecutters Song. Patrick Stewart. Swartzwelder. Awesome.
Bart: What do they do there?
Homer: I could help others…I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them re-enact the Civil War.
Homer: What don't they do? They do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!
Lisa: You don't know what they do, do you, Dad?
Homer: Not as such, no.
Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people.
Homer: Couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys started hurting people, which they almost certainly would. -
(#41) New Kid on the Block
- Nov 12 1992
Conan O'Brien's first episode. This also had the awesome b-story of Homer and the all you can eat fish restaurant.
Lawyer: Your honor, I'd like to show the court just how much shrimp Mr. Simpson ate. Bring it in boys!
Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
Aide: Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus.
Lawyer: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle. That's next door.
Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
Marge: (crying) We went fishing!
Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man who's had ALL he could eat?
Fat Juror: That could have been me! -
(#42) The Last Temptation of Homer
- Dec 09 1993
Homer gets a crush on co-worker Mindy.
Homer: (about Mindy) Temptress! I also bet she thinks that Ziggy has gotten preachy over the years.
Female Department of Labor Officer: This power plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing soccer team from Brazil working in the reactor core!
Smithers: Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
Mr. Burns: That plane crashed on my property!
Mr. Burns: Well, we'll just see about that!
(Mr. Burns walks over to a cage full of winged monkeys and opens it.)
Mr. Burns: Fly, my pretties, fly!
(The monkeys jump out the window, and fall to the ground.)
Mr. Burns: (Sighs) Continue the research. -
(#43) Lisa the Iconoclast
- Feb 18 1996
This episode is the origin of two awesome, made-up words: Cromulent and embiggen. Both have embiggened my vocabulary.
Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.
Edna: Embiggens? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield
Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.Homer: I've been called a greasy thug, too. It never stops hurting. So here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna grease ourselves up real good and trash that place with a baseball bat.
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse? -
(#44) Marge on the Lam
- Nov 04 1993
Marge befriends a divorcee neighbor in this Thelma & Louise parody.
Homer: Where are you going?
Marge: I don't know.
Homer: When will you be home?
Marge: I'm not sure.
Homer: Where are you going?
Marge: You already asked me that!
Homer: Will you bring me back something?Bart: You're absolutely right, Dad. We don't need a baby-sitter.
Marge: We can't trick these guys. They are highly trained professionals!
Homer: Wait a minute (Takes out card reading: "Always do opposite of what Bart Says.") You kids do need a baby-sitter!
Bart: (to himself) Blast that infernal card! (to Homer) Hey, Dad. Don't give me that card.
Homer: Here ya go--(Pulls card away)--No!
(Ruth turns off the car lights.)
Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, it just disappeared! (Gasp) It's a ghost car! (Slams on brakes) There are ghost cars all over these highways you know.
Homer: Hold me!
Chief Wiggum: Only if you hold me! -
(#45) Deep Space Homer
- Feb 24 1994
Another ep from a later set of seasons that had shining brilliance all over it. And possibly my most favorite Simpsons quote ever:
Kent Brockman: The spacecraft has apparently been taken over – "conquered" if you will – by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
Homer: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, 'I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later.' And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!
Homer: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. (Smithers whispers to him) And by that, I mean, it's time for the worker of the week award. -
(#46) Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment
- Mar 16 1997
Springfield bans alcohol.
Mayor Quimby: You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Who are you to demand anything?
Aide: (Quietly) Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What? Again? This stupid country.Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, won't someone please think of the children?
Maude Flanders: What kind of example are we setting?
Mayor Quimby: Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.Homer: You're not the world's worst mother. Remember that freezer lady in Georgia?
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -
(#47) Duffless
- Feb 18 1993
Homer quits drinking.
Judge: Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of AA meetings.
Homer: Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
Judge: No.Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!
Troy: Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such Driver's Ed films as "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." -
(#48) Lisa's Rival
- Sep 11 1994
While there are some good gags with Lisa's jealousy of a new girl in school who is smarter than she is... the real beauty of this episode is in the b-story with Homer finding an overturned sugar truck.
Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out 'earning' that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going into work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woohoo! A four day weekend!Homer: I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny little packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
Homer: I can't live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odor - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?
Bart: Dad, isn't this stealing?
Homer: Read the town charter, boy: 'If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I don't see him around, start shoveling! -
(#49) Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
- Dec 05 1991
Another early episode. The classic where Burns sells the plant to the Germans.
Horst: Homer, could we have a word with you?
Homer: No.
Horst: I must have phrased that badly. My English is how you say...inelegant. I meant to say may we have a brief, friendly chat?
Homer: No!
Horst: Once again I have failed. (Reading from a German-English phrasebook) We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.
Homer: (Yelling) No!Horst: We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. (Pause) That is all.
Horst: (Sinister) Okay, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
Mr. Burns: (Sarcastic) Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! (Hiding behind Smithers) Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Horst: Stop it!
Man: Stop, sir.
Mr. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Man: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Mr. Burns: (Pause) No! They're so big and strong!
Man: Stop it.
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Man: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Mr. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--
Horst: Burns, Stop it! -
(#50) Three Men and a Comic Book
- May 09 1991
A parody of the Treasure of Sierra Madre when Bart, Milhouse and Martin all pool their money to buy a special Radioactive Man comic book.
Marge: So maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Aw, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful--
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid.
Martin: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Bart: Perfect!
Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays?
Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about Sundays?
Martin: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Milhouse will have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
Bart: Perfect!
Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0?
Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about 0?
Milhouse: Yeah!
Martin: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined by rock scissors paper competition, best 3 out of 5, how's that?
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The Simpsons is a successful anime series produced by Fox, created by Matt Groening. The anime comedy tells the story of the life of the Simpsons family and makes a humorous mockery of American culture and society from many aspects. The Simpsons have been aired for more than 30 seasons, which means that the quality of the series will definitely fluctuate. Most loyal fans will agree that some of the best episodes of recent seasons are not actually good as the beginning of the series.
However, each season still has its own brightness plots. The random tool looks back at the history of this great anime series and lists 85 of the best Simpsons episodes ever.
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