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(#1) If I Were a Lion
Terry Hoitz: No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Allen Gamble: Okay, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don't like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said "You know what, lion tastes good, let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.
Terry Hoitz: How you gonna do that?
Allen Gamble: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and out-manned... Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.
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(#2) Like a Puppet
P.K. Highsmith: Ay, ay, ay! If I wanna hear you talk, I'll shove my arm up your a** and work your mouth like a puppet!
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(#3) Discrepancies
Allen Gamble: At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
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(#4) I'm Pregnant
Dr. Sheila Gamble: Allen, I'm pregnant.
Allen Gamble: Whose baby is that? Who's the man who did that to you?
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(#5) I'm Partners With the Hulk
Allen Gamble: I'm so tired of you getting angry, and yelling all the time, it's exhausting. I feel like I'm partners with the Hulk.
Terry Hoitz: You want to know why I'm so angry all the time? Because the more I try to do right the more I screw things up.
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(#6) So Drunk
Allen Gamble: I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
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(#7) Stay Out of Jail
Fosse: Got a couple of tips... help you guys stay out of jail. One: try your hardest to not be Black or Hispanic.
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(#8) Breastfeed
Allen Gamble: I just want to go somewhere and breastfeed!
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(#9) Lady Troubles
Allen Gamble: Hey, what are you doing here?
Terry Hoitz: I come here when I have lady troubles, which means I come here every night.
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(#10) Grandpa Style
Allen Gamble: I'm gonna do you, grandpa style!
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(#11) Derek Jeter
Derek Jeter: You d*ck! I'm Derek Jeter! You shot me!
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(#12) Duck Joke
Terry Hoitz: Little boy on his 13th birthday, it's time to get laid.
Allen Gamble: Already feels inappropriate.
Terry Hoitz: So he goes to the lady at the barn and says, "Miss, I know you usually want money, but I don't have any money. It's my birthday, do you think I could have sex with you for this duck?"
Allen Gamble: Was he a farmer? Because that's probably a health code violation to bring a duck into a place of prostitution.
Terry Hoitz: They weren't going to have sex with duck!
Allen Gamble: No, I just mean a health code violation to have the duck brought into a facility like that.
Terry Hoitz: So anyway, she says "Yes, I'll do it." So he goes in there and gives it to her.
Allen Gamble: He gives her what?
Terry Hoitz: The high hard one, and she loves it! So she goes, "If you do that again, I'll give you your duck back". So he gets laid twice for free!
Allen Gamble: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. So the duck is payment for sexual intercourse?
Terry Hoitz: Yes, he used it as payment and now he's getting paid back the duck. He says, "Oh my God this is the greatest birthday ever!" He does it again. Now he's walking home, right?...
Allen Gamble: So she was satisfied with the duck as currency?
[Terry nods his head.]
Allen Gamble: Okay.
Terry Hoitz: So he's walking home and can't wait to get home to tell his father. So he's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, Vroom! A truck comes by and runs over his duck! Kills the duck!
Allen Gamble: Kills the duck? So the duck is now dead?
Terry Hoitz: The duck is dead! The kid starts crying, the truck driver stops, he's all upset, he didn't mean-.
Allen Gamble: Of course he's crying, he's a 13 year old boy who just had sex twice and just watched his beloved duck die. So far I don't see how this is ever going to be funny.
Terry Hoitz: The guy feels so bad about killing the duck so he gives him two dollars.
Allen Gamble: And the kid's happy with the two bucks?
Terry Hoitz: He's ecstatic! He got laid twice and now he's got two dollars on top of it!
Allen Gamble: Seems like a duck would be worth a lot more than two dollars.
Terry Hoitz: Well this was awhile back. So he goes home and his dad says "What happened, what happened? Tell me, tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a f*ck for the duck, I got a duck for the f*ck, and I got two bucks for a f*cked up duck!"
Allen Gamble: So it's like a limerick.
Terry Hoitz: You didn't think that was funny?
Allen Gamble: I thought it was entertaining at the end, sure. The way all the words were put together, but in terms of content? No.
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(#13) This Meal Is Terrible
Allen Gamble: This meal is terrible... it tastes like roasted dog a**hole. I asked myself, "Who would slow roast a dog's a**hole and feed it to me?" You would.
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(#14) Aim for the Bushes
P.K. Highsmith: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', partner?
Christopher Danson: Aim for the bushes.
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(#15) I Shot Jeter
Allen Gamble: You won't shoot me.
Terry Hoitz: I shot Jeter!
Allen Gamble: That was an accident!
Terry Hoitz: Was it? Now move.
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About This Tool
The Other Guys is an action comedy produced by Columbia Pictures. The film was released in the United States in 2010 and tells the story of two New York Police officers who tried to succeed on duty but have some ridiculous things. The story is very simple and the dialogues are extremely humorous, which attract a number of loyal fans waiting for new updating every day.
It is undoubtedly the most impressive comedy movie this summer. This movie really makes the audience laugh happily again and again. The random tool lists 15 hilarious quotes from The Other Guys that will make you laugh.
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