Random Best & Worst Cartoon Vehicles (13 items)

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  (#1) The Batmobile

  Number one. I'm not sure I even need to expand here. I mean, there's pretty much no cooler made-up set of wheels or wings out there. Batman had a different batmobile for every mood. This car could pretty much do whatever Batman needed it to do whenever he needed it done. And we're talking super-specific stuff. Like, what if he needed a car that could ski down a mountain on a moment's notice? No prob, he just so happened to bring the one that had the skis in the wheel wells... you know... thank goodness he is always thinking ahead. What if he'd brought the one where the tires turn into inflatable rafts? How would he get out of the way of the avalanche then? Although, you know, BATMAN. I'm sure he would have figured something out.
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  (#2) The Mystery Machine

  • Fictional Character

  You have to hand it to anyone who would not only paint their van themselves, but call it an actual Mystery Machine. Which brings up the question, did these guys get paid for their services? Why advertise like that if you aren't going to charge the poor Bed & Breakfast lady for getting rid of that crotchety (yet, surprisingly inventive and committed) old caretaker who really, really wanted her real estate? They drove around (nice color choices, but sadly, no half-naked space chicks with guitars) in their aqua-red-green van visiting a vast assortment of vacation spots (where did they get the money for all these vacations?) and aunts, uncles and cousins... I'm not sure who, exactly, they were advertising TO. In any event, the Mystery Machine was pretty cool, even if it was just a dressy serial killer van (I mean, no windows? And what was up with everyone sitting in the front seat all the time?).
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  (#3) Hellcycle

  Ghost Rider is the poster child of "Cool Idea, S**tty Comic". This is a prime example of something surviving exclusively on the coolness of it's premise. A guy with a flaming skull riding a souped up motorcycle from hell. Also, did I mention the FLAMING SKULL? And leather jacket. Imagine if it were denim. With patches. Not really the same. This comic has some of the most historically dull, silly and stupid storylines of all comics... and yet, they made a movie out of it all the same. Again. Flaming skull.

  And the Hellcycle. God knows, I want one.
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  (#4) The Homer

  Brilliant. Why has no one made this car yet? I'm speaking specifically of the separate sound-proofed dome to enclose the kids in the back seat. Oh, and the cup holders.
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  (#5) The Invisible Jet

  This picture alone makes me smile. So awesome. The levels of WTF involved in the entire concept of an invisible plane that does not actually make the user herself, invisible. What if she had a whole planeload of clowns she had just rescued from the slave-circus? Imagine what that would look like. I can't think the POINT of having a stealthy jet that was only stealthy if no one was using it... was really very clearly thought-out. Or maybe there was a lot of laughing and snorting of cocaine around the conference table the day someone came up with it.
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  (#6) The Phoenix

  This makes the list sheerly out of fondness for Battle of the Planets (or, G-Force, as I think it was also called). I really, really loved that show when was a kid. Probably had something to do with the big eyes and the bird costumes. Just sayin'. But it was an awesome, sleek plane and it turned into a fiery phoneix for some reason that I no longer recall. Perhaps to drive fear into the hearts of their enemies? Maybe I just like things that are on fire.
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  (#7) The Mach 5

  GO, GO, GO.... go-go Spee... yeah, you know the rest. How much did I want to own the Mach 5 when I was a kid. Admittedly, I was also dying to own that child-sized battery powered van in the Sears catalog. I promised my mom that I would totally drive to the store and pick up groceries for her! My brother and sister could ride in the back and we would stay on the bike path and... well, my mom wasn't convinced it was worth the $900 bucks, apparently. And those were 1975 dollars. But the Mach 5! It was a race car! And so sleek and fast and awesome! Too bad about Chim Chim, tho. Stupid comic relief.
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  (#8) The Phantom Cruiser

  I'm seeing a kind of theme in the shapes, here, now that I'm at #8. The Phantom Cruiser does bear a remarkable resemblance to the Phoenix. And the Mach 5, really. All those smooth lines and pointy ends. I was also a fan of Space Ghost himself, despite the fact that he let those idiot teenagers hang on his cape. And there was a monkey. Why must there always be a monkey?!
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  (#9) Storm

  We're getting into the tail end of the list now, and, as promised, we are travelling from awesome to ... less-awesome. Which is kind of where the Phantom Cruiser fell, and now we are smack dab in the middle of LAME territory. You know what's not cool and strong and in flames? Seahorses. Also, I don't know if most people know this, but seahorses are small. Like, really small. Riding one would be a challenge, and not in a good-challenge kind of way, but more of a 'I fell off the jungle gym a few too many time when I was little" kind of way. We all know Aquaman is lame, that's just one of those things in life... like how the sun is hot and sandwiches are good. But it's almost like someone thought to themselves, "Well, we already know Aquaman is possibly the most idiotic idea anyone has ever had for a superhero, so lets just go ahead and have him ride an XXL Seahorse. But we shall call the Seahorse "Storm" just in case there's a kid out there who could be fooled by naming conventions and tricked into thinking this is a cool idea."

  Storm the Seahorse. By the way, for those of you not steeped in Aquaman lore, his little buddy there is named AquaLad.

  Yes.
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  (#10) Spider-Mobile

  You know who needs a dune buggy?

  Spiderman.
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  (#11) The Phooeymobile

  I believe my hatred for Hanna-Barbera cartoons is well-documented. See my collected works on the topic in volumes 1-34 of 'Loathsome Children's Cartoons'. So, to say that I hated Hong Kong Phooey is too simple. I did not watch many of these episodes, despite the fact that I was apparently a POW of Saturday Morning Cartoons... and if something objectionable came on... well, these were the days before remotes, and the TV was a long way away from my cocoon of blankets and cereal crumbs. But I really, really hated everything about it. That f**king cat. And that... just look at that car. It makes me hate this show all over again.
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  (#12) Speed Buggy

  • TV Program

  Hey, look! Another Hanna-Barbera cartoon! This was another terrible show, but sadly very successful. Despite, as USUAL... HB's trademarked cheapskated laziness in terms of writing and animating.

  Speed Buggy was a car that talked and said things like "Roger-Dodger!" and "Vroom-a-zoom-zomm!" Agggh! Hate! Welling up inside me! Hey, trivia! Mel Blanc was the voice of Speed Buggy!

  Still hate it.
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  (#13) Green Lantern

  Lastly, I put something hilarious in here. Green Lantern was not a real vehicle, but he did get ridden. By his sidekick, the venus-kid Kairo.

  Yes. The superhero that would carry the other non-flying superfriends around on flying green disks and cupped in a giant green hand... would make his sidekick ride him. Bareback.

  Seriously, the guys who made the superfriends HAD to be doing this s**t on purpose, right?

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