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(#1) Hatless
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
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(#2) Bake 'Em Away, Toys
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'em away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said.
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(#3) Either Drunk Or on Cocaine
Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.
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(#4) Forbidden Closet of Mystery
Chief Wiggum: You know you're not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?
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(#5) I Bet on the Other Team
Chief Wiggum: We won! We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza.
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(#6) Frozen Bananas
Lou: There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: They still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Chief Wiggum: Let's roll!
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(#7) Piece of Cake
Chief Wiggum: Lighten up, son. If he was going to commit a crime would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake.
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(#8) What Cures Cancer?
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... um... What cures cancer?
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(#9) Catchphrase
Chief Wiggum: I'd never acted before in my life, but, uh, if the sea captain could be in the show, why not me? I've even got a catchphrase. N'yah! Wah! Wah-wah-wah! No, I lost it.
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(#10) Chief Piggum
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency, he called me, Chief Piggum! (Everybody laughs.) Oh ah, now I get it! Haha, that's good!
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(#11) That's Implied
Chief Wiggum: I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.
Lou: You also have no evidence.
Chief Wiggum: That's implied.
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(#12) I'm on a Road
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm uh.. on a road, uh.. looks to be asphalt. Um, ah geez, trees, shrubs um... I'm directly under the earth's sun... now!
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(#13) Wrong Number
Chief Wiggum: Uh, no you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.
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(#14) Above Average Dog
Chief Wiggum: Ah he's a dumb kid, but he's an above average dog. Roll over, son!
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(#15) Lottery Ticket
Chief Wiggum: Looks like you bought yourself a lottery ticket...to jail!
Lou: He's unconscious, sir.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.
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(#16) Have They Set a Date?
Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.
Chief Wiggum: They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?
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(#17) DOA
Chief Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news; your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my God! He's dead?!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
Mrs. Phillips: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI?
Chief Wiggum: Um, why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.
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(#18) Softball
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
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(#19) Flash Your Lights
Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
Chief Wiggum: Did you flash your lights?
Eddie: Yes.
Chief Wiggum: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
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(#20) Threatening Letters
Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: I'm pretty sure there is.
Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle.
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(#21) Budget Problem
Chief Wiggum: I'm afraid we've got a budget problem, Marge. Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he had done it at the beginning of the fiscal year, no problemo.
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(#22) Dig Up
Homer: We'll dig our way out!
Chief Wiggum: No, no, dig up, stupid!
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(#23) Flimsy Cases
Chief Wiggum: Are you sure? Because we've brought you a lot of flimsy cases. Like that goat we accused of income tax evasion.
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(#24) Step Away From the Orphan
Chief Wiggum: Simpson, step away from the orphan, do not give him any more love. I repeat, do not give him any more love.
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(#25) No Minds
Lisa: Nobody form any opinions while I'm gone.
Chief Wiggum: Well, hurry! We have no minds of our own.
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About This Tool
Chief Wiggum is a fictional small character in the hit animated sitcom The Simpsons. He is the father of Ralph Wiggum and the husband of Sara Wigum, and the chief of the Springfield Police Department. Chief Wiggum is one of the most interesting characters in The Simpsons, and he is known for his incompetent behavior and absurd remarks on the TV show.
Checking this random tool to find 25 of the funniest quotes from Chief Wiggum that only true fans remembered. Who would forget this incompetent, irresponsible, and lazy policeman after watching the series? It is not difficult to find his ironic quotes.
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