Random Things You've Been Too Afraid To Ask About Mail Order Brides (14 items)

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  (#1) The Term Is Problematic

  Reputable marriage brokers and dating sites don't care for the term "mail-order bride"; it bears connotations of men picking women out of a catalog like they would a new microwave. Today, many prefer terms like "international matchmmaking," or "pen-pal relationship."

  The expression "mail-order bride" dates back to the days of the American frontier, when men would often place ads in newspapers looking for romantic partners to make the journey out west. They would correspond with women who responded, and propose marriage via letter.
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  (#2) Women Were Needed To Tame The Wild West

  In the days of cowboys and the Wild West, the disparity between the male and female population was enormous. It didn't take long for men to realize that not only were women needed for their personal comfort, but also to help them tame the rough nature of the west. Without women to reproduce and add some semblance of civilization, there was little reason to build schools, churches, or many other buildings and institutions that would have been mainstays in the more developed areas of the United States. 
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  (#3) Sometimes Their Letters Were Like Early Sexting

  What with the distance between them and the future of their relationship weighing in the balance, the communication between a man out west and a woman back east could become pretty serious. Not only were the conversations liable to wander into distinctly blue territory, but pictures would often be included in with the letters, some of which could be far more provocative than others. 
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  (#4) Asian Picture Brides Were Another Sort Of Mail Order Brides

  Men heading west weren't the only ones in need of a bride - in fact, a large industry opened up around Asian immigrants looking for brides back home, who became known as "picture brides". These marriages were orchestrated by matchmakers who would use photos of the intended couple and family recommendations to create matches.
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  (#5) Brides Come From All Over The World

  Nowadays, you might think of mail-order brides as being predominantly from Russia and the former Soviet Republics. Part of this has to do with severe economic woes suffered by those countries; millions of citizens are looking for ways to leave and start a new life elsewhere.

  But in reality, these brides come from all over the world. High numbers of women from Asian countries, from China to the Philippines, are also quite visible on the mail-order bride market. Women from South American countries are also sought after as brides.
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  (#6) There Are Marriage Brokers And Dating Sites

  There's a difference between marriage brokers and dating websites. The latter functions just as mainstream websites do, only the emphasis is on finding a marriage partner specifically. However, many marriage brokers consider the basic dating sites as inferior and even tawdry compared to what they offer. A marriage broker typically provides a more private experience, during which the broker helps pinpoint ideal matches for a client.
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  (#7) Using A Marriage Broker Can Be Expensive

  Men interested in pursuing a mail-order bride via a marriage broker should be prepared to lay out the cash. To start with, the brokerage will arrange a "romance tour" to the country in question, where the potential groom will have multiple opportunities to meet a number of available women. This comes in the form of private, arranged dates, parties, and other events. The romance tour alone will cost thousands of dollars. But not everyone is ready to make a lifelong decision yet. Additional tours and visits are often necessary.

  If a man meets someone he'd like to pursue further, the brokerage may charge additional fees, and then the prospective groom begins the often equally expensive process of courting the woman of his choice. This can ultimately prove quite costly, not just due to gifts and dinners out, but also because of international travel expenses, and eventually, the cost of obtaining a visa, along with immigration attorney fees.
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  (#8) Scams Are Common

  Like with anything else on the Internet, online surfing for a potential bride can leave you open to falling for a scam. The FBI receives around 6,000 annual complaints about "romance scams," during which women extort vast sums of money from men – about $70,000 on average.

  Even the bigger online dating sites can be ethically murky. Some users report paying for each individual chat they conduct with a woman. If they fly overseas under the pretext of meeting these women in person, often the supposed brides-to-be are nowhere to be found. In other cases, the men go on a series of dates, only to go back to the United States alone, and with considerably less cash.
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  (#9) Lots Of Matches Are Made Between Older Western Men And Younger Eastern Women

  It's a stereotype, but it still happens. Many mail-order bride marriages are arranged between an older Western man and a (sometimes much) younger Eastern woman. As for the reasons why, they vary. Some men claim that women from outside of the United States naturally gravitate towards older men; others say the relationships benefit the brides by giving them a chance at a new life. Of course, personal preference and cultural assumptions also come into play as well.
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  (#10) Some Marriages Become Real; Others Seem Like A Business Transaction

  A number of arranged or mail-order bride marriages are happy and successful, despite the typical distance of age between the couple. A Redditor posting as Sblent stated that his uncle married a mail-order bride when he was 65 and she was 37. The woman in question was truly submissive, so much so that the husband was concerned:

  "For a start it was weird and he tells how she'd cook meals and stand behind him so she couldn't be seen but could attend to anything he wanted. she would insist he finish before a massage and being tucked into bed. She seemed under the impression that a man was to be kept like a king and she was there for food and sex.

  She would only eat for herself after he was asleep. He tells us he had to metaphorically beat the submissiveness out of her.

  Now 14 years later they have three kids, she is f*cking insane in that fun-insane kind of way, and more a part of the family than most of the extended family I grew up with. Cultures well and truly blended beautifully."

  Other stories don't have such a happy ending. A disappointed husband of a mail-order bride posted his story on Reddit:

  "In short, it surprises me how fake it all seems. There was no emotion in anything she would do. I could always tell she was uncomfortable. It seemed like she was just doing a job. I somewhat pitied her in a way. She would cook, clean, offer sex, whatever. Pretty much what you want from your wife. But the passion, emotion, warmth, everything that makes a marriage actually work was lacking. Looking back I should have expected as much. I was naive to think it would be any different. I thought it would fill a void but it didn't. I regret that decision but I've moved on now.

  You could liken it to a gold digger but it was much worse. At least with a gold digger it isn't painfully obvious, and you might actually convince yourself she likes some aspect of you. In a way she does – she likes your wealth. A 'mail-order' bride is just being paid outright."
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  (#11) It's A Risk For Both Parties

  While most dating sites and marriage brokers claim to provide both parties with equal protection from fraud and abuse, that's usually not the reality. The man seeking a bride is the one with the money, and agencies tend to look out for his interests first. Even if an agency seeks to protect the woman as well, once the bride relocates to her new home in a foreign land, she really is at the mercy of her new husband.

  In recent years, the U.S. government has enacted laws to protect such women, as there have been a number of cases involving abuse of the brides. This mistreatment includes sexual and domestic labor extortion, threats, coercion, isolation, and physical abuse. On the other hand, brides could also potentially exploit their new husbands for citizenship or money. Both parties put themselves at risk when arranging a mail-order marriage.
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  (#12) The Reasons For Pursuing A Mail-Order Marriage Are Not Always Honest

  One problem with the mail-order bride industry involves honesty. Some women, desperate to have a chance at a better life in a new country, will say they're ready to fulfill a foreign man's needs, but actually have no intention of doing so. Many men have claimed that their bride was not the submissive, docile woman they courted, and that they departed as soon as their green card arrived.

  There's also the risk that a woman who agrees to become a mail-order bride finds quite a different life abroad than she expected. Instead of consideration and a certain standard of living, she may learn that her new husband prefers her to remain housebound, catering to his needs alone.
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  (#13) There Are Reports Of Abuse

  While both parties in a mail-order bride marriage are putting themselves at considerable risk, there are more cases of women being abused by their husbands than the other way around. The bride likely knows absolutely no one other than her husband, may not speak the local language, and has no money of her own. She is in an extremely vulnerable position. In some cases, this leads the husband to become neglectful, abusive, and controlling. Some mail-order brides have claimed they were not allowed to leave home, had no money of their own, and were not allowed to take language classes or seek employment. Some women also reported physical and sexual abuse from their new husbands.

  Russian native Oksana Makarova recalls her American fiance saying, "Oksana, I thought you'd be obedient. This is the impression you gave me in Ukraine." Soon, he turned violent towards Oksana and her toddler son. Fortunately, Oksana's story has a happy ending. She was able to safely remove herself and her child from the home, while maintaining her legal residency status in the U.S.
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  (#14) Some Mail-Order Marriages Turn Deadly

  Studies reveal mail-order brides suffer from an unusually high rate of domestic violence. Perhaps the most famous case is that of Anastasia King, a young Russian woman who married an older American man named Indle King Jr., moved to the United States, and was violently abused and eventually murdered by her husband in September of 2000. In March of 2002, he was convicted of murder and sentenced to 29 years in prison.

  Anastasia was only 18 years old when she married King. Her parents wanted her to have a better life than she could find in her homeland, but they did have reservations about King's relationship with their daughter. He was 36, bald, and weighed 270 pounds. He'd been married and divorced to another Russian mail-order bride. But, he was prosperous and well-educated, so the parents relented and sent their daughter to America to visit and see if the situation suited her. One month later, she and King were married.

  Anastasia kept a journal, and wrote that immediately upon their marriage, King treated her abusively. He refused to allow her to get a driver's license, and wanted to know where she was every minute of the day. He had also lied about his financial status, and the couple had to take in boarders to make ends meet. Eventually, King allowed his wife to go to work as a waitress, though he regularly took money from her account.

  At some point, Anastasia flew home to visit her parents. While she was gone, King filed for divorce, claiming he had no idea where his wife had gone, even though he spoke on the phone with her daily and then flew to Kyrgystan to join her. The couple returned to the United States soon after, arriving at the Seattle airport, which is where Anastasia was last seen alive. She was killed in her home garage by King and a man he had hired to help kill her, and buried in a shallow grave.

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