Random Funniest Lines in Christmas Movies (16 items)

• 

  (#1) 'Christmas Vacation' - Happy Hanukkah

  Frank Shirley: Write a summary and have it to me by the end of the day.
  Clark Griswold: My pleasure.
  Frank Shirley: Layman's terms. None of that inside bullsh*t jargon nobody understands.
  Clark Griswold: Yes, sir... Oh, Mr. Shirley. We got your Christmas card the other day, and my family and I are very flattered that you remembered us.
  Executive: (to Mr. Shirley) Corporate cards.
  Frank Shirley: Don't forget that report, Bill.
  Clark Griswold: Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas. (to Executive) Merry Christmas. (to Executive) Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. 
• 

  (#2) 'Elf' - Son of a Nutcracker
• 

  (#3) 'A Christmas Story' - Deranged Easter Bunny

  Adult Ralphie: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion under the illusion that I was not only fours year-old but also a girl.
  Mrs. Parker: She just always gives you the nicest things Ralphie. Oh my - Oh, isn't that sweet. Ralph, go upstairs and try it on.
  Ralphie: I don't want to.
  Mrs. Parker: Go upstairs right now and try on that present. She went to all that trouble to make it. Now go on. . . Ralphie, we're waiting!
  Ralphie: Come on, Mom.
  Mrs. Parker: Right now!
  Adult Ralphie: Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me.
  Mrs. Parker: Oh, my - Come down so I can see you better.
  Adult Ralphie: I just hoped that Flick would never spot 'em, as the word of this humiliation could easily make life at Warren G. Harding School a veritable hell.
  Mrs. Parker: Oh, isn't that cute! That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life!

  [Randy laughs]

  Ralphie: Shut up.
  Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
  
   
• 

  (#4) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

  • Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid, Diane Ladd, John Randolph, E.G. Marshall, Doris Roberts, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Mae Questel, William Hickey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Juliette Lewis, Johnny Galecki, Nicholas Guest, Miriam Flynn, Ellen Hamilton Latzen

  Clark: "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d*ckless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a**, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is! Hallelujah! Holy s***! Where's the Tylenol?"
• 

  (#5) Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

  • Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Catherine O'Hara, John Heard, Devin Ratray, Tim Curry, Brenda Fricker, Eddie Bracken, Gerry Bamman, Kieran Culkin, Rob Schneider, Bob Eubanks, Ally Sheedy, Ron Canada

  Mr. Hector: This is the Concierge, sir!
  Johnny: I knew it was you. I could smell you getting off the elevator. You was here last night too, wasn 't you?
  Mr. Hector: Yes, sir. I was.
  Johnny: You was here and you was smooching with my brother.
  Mr. Hector: You're mistaken, sir!
  Johnny: Don't give me that. You've smooched everybody. Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg. Cheeks, Boney Bob, Cliff...
  Cedric & Maureen: (GASPS)
  Mr: Hector: No! It's a lie!
  Johnny: I could go on forever, baby.
  Mr. Hector: I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'm afraid you're mistaken! We're looking for a young man.
  Johnny: All right, I believe you... but my Tommy gun don't.
  All: (GASPS)
  Johnny: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me. On your knees.
  All: I love you!
  Johnny: (LAUGHS) You gotta do better than that!
  All: I love you!
  Johnny: Maybe I'm off my hinge, but I believe you. That's why I'm gonna let you go. I'm gonna give you till the count of three to get your lousy, lying, low-down, four-flushing carcass out my door. One! Two!
  TV: (GUNFIRE)
  Johnny: Three. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
• 

  (#6) A Christmas Story

  • Peter Billingsley, Darren McGavin, Melinda Dillon, Ian Petrella, Scotty Schwartz, R. D. Robb, Tedde Moore, Yano Anaya, Zack Ward

  Santa Claus: What do you want for Christmas, little boy? 
  Adult Ralphie: My mind had gone blank! Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it! Blowing it! 
  Elf: Come on, kid! 
  Santa Claus: How about a nice... football! 
  Adult Ralphie. Football. Football! What's a football? With unconscious will, my voice squeaked out "football."
  Ralphie: Yeah.
  Santa Claus: OK, get him out of here.

  [The Elf puts Ralphie on slide]

  Adult Ralphie: Oh no! What was I doing?! Wake up, stupid! Wake up! 
  Ralphie (climbs back up slide): No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
  Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas. Ho... ho... ho... (pushes Ralphie down slide with bottom of his boot)
• 

  (#7) The Santa Clause

  • Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold, Wendy Crewson, Eric Lloyd, David Krumholtz, Peter Boyle, Larry Brandenburg, Mary Gross, Paige Tamada

  Sarah: "Santa, how come your clothes are so baggy?"
  Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats!"
  Sarah: "How come you don’t have a beard?"
  Scott Calvin: "Because I shaved." (Pulls out a toy) "Now, do you want this doll or not?!? Go back to sleep!"
• 

  (#8) Elf

  • Will Ferrell, James Caan, Bob Newhart, Ed Asner, Mary Steenburgen, Zooey Deschanel, Daniel Tay, Faizon Love, Peter Dinklage, Amy Sedaris, Michael Lerner, Andy Richter, Kyle Gass, Jon Favreau

  Buddy: And then, I traveled through the seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest, past the Sea of Swirly-Twirly Gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel. (Drinks two-liter of Coca-Cola.)
  Emily Hobbs: Ahh. So, where were you for the last 30 years?
  Walter Hobbs: The North Pole.
  Buddy: Can you pass the maple syrup, please?
  Emily Hobbs: I... I didn't put... it's spaghetti.
  Buddy: Oh, you know what? I think I have some. (Pulls small bottle from inside sleeve.) Yes.
  Emily Hobbs: You like sugar, huh?
  Buddy: Is there sugar in syrup?
  Emily Hobbs: Yes.
  Buddy: Then yes. We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
• 

  (#9) Scrooged

  • Bill Murray, Karen Allen, John Forsythe, John Glover, Bobcat Goldthwait, David Johansen, Carol Kane, Robert Mitchum, Nicholas Phillips, Michael J. Pollard, Alfre Woodard, Mabel King, John Murray, Jamie Farr, Buddy Hackett, Pat McCormick, Brian Doyle-Murray

  Ghost of Christmas Present: "Close your eyes, and think of snowflakes and and moonbeams and whiskers on kittens." (Seeks Frank peeking, pokes his eyes) "No peeking! ...Of rainbows, forget-me-nots, of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. Oh, look! There's Mr Hedgehog. I wonder where he's going? Perhaps to Harlem!" (Punches Frank in the jaw)
  Frank: "My jaw!"
  Ghost of Christmas Present: "Ohhh, sometimes the truth is painful, Frank." (Slaps Frank) "But it's made your cheeks rosy and your eyes bright as stars."
  Frank: "If you touch me again, I'll rip your g*dd**ned wings off, okay?!?"
  Ghost of Christmas Present: "Oh, you know I like the rough stuff, don't you Frank?"
• 

  (#10) Trading Places

  • Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, Ralph Bellamy, Don Ameche, Denholm Elliott, Kristin Holby, Paul Gleason, Jamie Lee Curtis, Alfred Drake, Bo Diddley, Frank Oz, Jim Belushi

  Randolph: "Ezra! Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are..."
  Ezra: "Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself."
  Mortimer: "Half of it is from me."
  Ezra: "Thank you, Mr. Mortimer." (mouths silently) "A**hole."
• 

  (#11) Santa Claus: The Movie

  • John Lithgow, Dudley Moore, Burgess Meredith, Melvyn Hayes, David Huddleston, Judy Cornwell, Jeffrey Kramer, Anthony O'Donnell, Carrie Kei Heim, Christian Fitzpatrick

  Santa Claus: "Don't you know who I am?!"
  Joe: "Sure, you're a nut!"
  Santa Claus: "I'm Santa Claus."
  Joe: "Right, and I'm the tooth fairy."
• 

  (#12) Gremlins

  • Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, Frances Lee McCain, Polly Holliday, Scott Brady, Glynn Turman, Corey Feldman, Dick Miller, Keye Luke, Judge Reinhold, Jonathan Banks, Edward Andrews, Jackie Joseph

  Kate: "You say you hate Washington's Birthday or Thanksgiving and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas and people treat you like you're a leper."
• 

  (#13) Jingle All the Way

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Phil Hartman, Rita Wilson, Robert Conrad, Martin Mull, Jake Lloyd, Jim Belushi, Harvey Korman, Laraine Newman

  Myron Larabee: "...and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's' minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic."

  Howard: "Put that cookie down. NOW!"
• 

  (#14) Bad Santa

  • Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly, Lauren Graham, Lauren Tom, Bernie Mac, John Ritter, Ajay Naidu, Alex Borstein, Cloris Leachman

  Kid: "Should I fix you some sandwiches?"
  Willie: "I don't want any f***ing sandwiches. What is it with you and fixing f***ing sandwiches?"
  Kid: "There's a candy corn in this one."
  Willie: "Well, they can't all be winners, can they?"
• 

  (#15) A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

  • John Cho, Kal Penn, Danneel Ackles, Paula Garcés, Thomas Lennon, Danny Trejo, Elias Koteas, Eddie Kaye Thomas, David Krumholtz, Patton Oswalt, Bobby Lee, Melissa Ordway, Tristan Canning, Amir Blumenfeld, Isabella Gielniak

  Harold: "I shot Santa Claus in the face! He's real, and I shot him in the face!"
• 

  (#16) Arthur Christmas

  • James McAvoy, Hugh Laurie, Bill Nighy, Jim Broadbent, Imelda Staunton, Ashley Jensen, Marc Wootton, Laura Linney, Eva Longoria, Ramona Marquez, Michael Palin, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Robbie Coltrane, Joan Cusack, Rhys Darby, Jane Horrocks, Iain McKee, Andy Serkis, Dominic West

  Elf (at North Pole Command Center): "Waker! We have a waker! And Santa's in there!"
  Child (sits up in bed): "Santa? Are you here?"

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