Random Funniest Famous Movie Speeches (17 items)

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  (#1) Ferris Bueller's Day Off

  • Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jennifer Grey, Jeffrey Jones, Edie McClurg, Lyman Ward, Cindy Pickett, Charlie Sheen, Ben Stein, Del Close, Virginia Capers, Richard Edson, Larry "Flash" Jenkins

  The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom. A lot of people will tell you that a phony fever is a dead lock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could land in the doctor's office. That's worse than school. What you do is: you fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

  I did have a test today. That wasn't bulls**t. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism, for that matter. Isms, in my opinion, are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus - I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

  Matthew Broderick delivers a series of really clever, genuinely funny speeches straight into the camera in 1986's Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Hard to pick a favorite, but this might be it!
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  (#2) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

  • Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid, Diane Ladd, John Randolph, E.G. Marshall, Doris Roberts, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Mae Questel, William Hickey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Juliette Lewis, Johnny Galecki, Nicholas Guest, Miriam Flynn, Ellen Hamilton Latzen

  Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a**, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is! Hallelujah!

  More Clark Griswold, you say? Why yes, of course. Second best Clark Griswold flip-out ever, this one from 1989's Christmas Vacation.
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  (#3) Happy Gilmore

  • Adam Sandler, Christopher McDonald, Julie Bowen, Frances Bay, Carl Weathers, Allen Covert, Robert Smigel, Richard Kiel, Dennis Dugan, Joe Flaherty, Kevin Nealon

  My name is Happy Gilmore. Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey... wasn't the greatest skater though. But that didn't stop my dad from teaching me the secret of slapping the greatest slapshot. My dad worshiped hockey, my mom didn't, that's why she moved to Egypt, where there's not a hockey rink within 15 hundred miles. Dad always took me to games to cheer for our favorite player, Terry O'Riley, the Tazmanian Devil. He wasn't the biggest guy in the league, but he feared nobody, just like me. Handsome fellow huh? He always said that when I grew up I could be anything I wanted to be, but I never wanted to be anything but a hockey player. Yeah my childhood was going great, but life is full of surprises. After the funeral, I was sent to live with my grandma in Waterberry. I was kinda nervous since I really didn't know her that well, but she dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS to cheer me up, she's the sweetest person in the world. See after my dad died I developed kinda a short fuse. You see that kid over there just stole my party blower, and instead of asking for it back, I felt that I had to belt him in the head a bunch of times with a hammer. Look at me go. But I was always quick to say I was sorry. During high school I played junior hockey and still hold two league records; most time spent in the penalty box, and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone. After I graduated I had a lot of different jobs; I was a road worker, a janitor, a security guard, a gas station attendant, and a plumber. Lately I've been working construction, it's not a bad racket, I'm a pretty good shot with a nail gun, but one day my boss, Mr. Larson, uh got in the way. Apparently he also has a short fuse. Look at that monster. He got a few lucky punches in there, but I still feel I won the fight. Anyways, those other jobs weren't for me. I was put on this planet for one reason, to play hockey.

  Adam Sandler's 1996 comedy Happy Gilmore is a hilarious movie, and Happy's explanation here about why he was put on the Earth to play hockey is a classic example.
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  (#4) Clueless

  • Alicia Silverstone, Stacey Dash, Brittany Murphy, Paul Rudd, Dan Hedaya, Donald Faison, Elisa Donovan, Breckin Meyer, Jeremy Sisto, Aida Linares, Wallace Shawn, Twink Caplan

  So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?

  Cher's speech to the class expressing her unique views on Haitian immigrants in 1995's Clueless is definitely interesting. Clueless is a great comedy - and, in my opinion, pretty underrated.
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  (#5) Vacation

  • Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Christie Brinkley, Anthony Michael Hall, Imogene Coca, Randy Quaid, Dana Barron, John Candy, Eddie Bracken, Brian Doyle-Murray, Eugene Levy

  I think you’re all f**ked in the head. We’re ten hours from the f**king fun park and you want to bail out! Well, I’ll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation, it’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much f**king fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our g*d damn smiles! You’ll be whistling "Zippity Doo Da" out of your a**holes! (laughs) I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy s***!

  Clark Griswold is barely hanging on, and in this hilarious bit from 1983's Vacation, Chevy Chase delivers without question one of the funniest rants from any comedy movie ever.
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  (#6) Caddyshack

  • Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, Ted Knight, Michael O'Keefe, Sarah Holcomb, Scott Colomby, Cindy Morgan, Dan Resin, Henry Wilcoxon, Elaine Aiken, Albert Salmi, Ann Ryerson, Brian Doyle-Murray, Hamilton Mitchell, Peter Berkrot, John F. Barmon, Lois Kibbee, Brian McConnachie

  License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to lie back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

  Bill Murray's demented groundskeeper, Carl Spackler, in 1980's Caddyshack is my favorite Murray character ever. His description of why gophers (aka Varmint Cong) must die is a classic.
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  (#7) National Lampoon's Animal House

  • John Belushi, Kevin Bacon, Donald Sutherland, Karen Allen, Tim Matheson, John Vernon, Verna Bloom, Tom Hulce, Cesare Danova, Peter Riegert, Stephen Furst, Sarah Holcomb, Bruce McGill, Martha Smith, Mary Louise Weller, James Daughton, Mark Metcalf, James Widdoes

  Over? Did you say 'over?!' Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

  And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go! Come on! (runs out, nobody follows, runs back in) What the f**k happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? 'Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble.' Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...

  Otter interrupts Bluto's motivational speech at this point, throwing his support behind his frat brother, even though he's "psychotic."

  In this classic funny speech from 1978's Animal House, Bluto (John Belushi) has just learned that Dean Wormer has kicked them all out of school. His speech rallying tries his fraternity brothers together is one for the ages.
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  (#8) Blazing Saddles

  • Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn, Slim Pickens, David Huddleston, Liam Dunn, Alex Karras, John Hillerman, George Furth, Mel Brooks, Harvey Korman, Dom DeLuise, Richard Collier

  I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but I used to be called 'The Waco Kid.' I was just walking down the street, and I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it Mister!" I spun around and there I was face to face with a six-year-old kid. Well I just threw my guns down and walked away....little bastard shot me in the a**! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.

  Gene Wilder's Jim (The Waco Kid) delivers a hilarious speech explaining his history in 1974's Mel Brooks comedy Blazing Saddles.
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  (#9) The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!

  • O. J. Simpson, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Reggie Jackson, Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley, Jim Palmer, George Kennedy, Ricardo Montalbán, Tim McCarver, Dick Vitale, Dick Enberg, John Houseman, Joyce Brothers, Mel Allen, Curt Gowdy, Nancy Marchand, Joe Grifasi, Brinke Stevens, Lawrence Tierney, David Gale, Nicholas Worth, Hank Robinson, Tom Dugan, Burton Zucker, Conrad E. Palmisano, Charlotte Zucker, Raye Birk, Mark Holton, Robert Arthur, Winifred Freedman, Susan Breslau, Ron Luciano, Robert K. Weiss, Stuart Lancaster, Tiny Ron Taylor, Jeannette Charles, Joe West, Christopher J. Keene, Sydney Urshan, Rick Seaman, David Katz, Jeff Wright, Ed Williams, Doris Hess, Jim Smith, Prince Hughes, Ronald G. Joseph, Susan Beaubian, Jay Johnstone, Charles Fick, Edwina Moore, Charles Gherardi, Randy Harvey, Leslie Maier, Mallory Sandler, Dennis Packer, Maureen Flaherty, Ken Minyard, Jacqueline Barrymore, Don Woodard, Fredric Arnold, David Lloyd Austin, Mary Norman, Sharon Breslau, Ron Tank, Jane Couris, Brett Bartlett, Robert LuJane, Arthur Lamont Berger, Tony Brafa, Lorali Hart, Michael J. Montes, Larry Pines, Greg Breslau, Kenny Kaiser

  Jane, it's me, Funny-face. You love Frank Drebin. And Frank Drebin loves you. Jane, listen to me, if you don't love me, you might as well pull that trigger, because without you, I wouldn't want to live anyway. 

  I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils. It's a topsy-turvy world, Jane, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans, but this is our hill and these are our beans. Since I met you, I've noticed things I never knew were there - birds singing, dew glistening on a newly-formed leaf, stop lights. Jane, this morning, I bought something for you. It's not very much, but pretty good for an honest policeman's salary. It's an engagement ring. I'd have given it to you earlier, but I wanted to wait until we were alone. I love you, Jane.

  Leslie Nielsen's speech of love at the end of The Naked Gun is not only funny, but heartwarming in a simple way.
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  (#10) Animal Crackers

  • Groucho Marx, Harpo Marx, Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, Margaret Dumont, Lillian Roth, Louis Sorin, Hal Thompson, Margaret Irving, Kathryn Reece, Richard Greig, Edward Metcalf

  Friends, I'm going to to tell you of the great mysterious wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa, God's country. And he can have it...Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.

  We at once proceeded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I shot a polar bear. This bear was 6 foot 7 in his stocking feet and had shoes on. This bear was anemic and couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter. From the day of our arrival we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, then back in bed at seven. This was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six-thirty.

  One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin smoking some meat There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers. I bagged them, I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elk and Knights of Pythias.

  Of course you all know what a moose is, that's big game. The first day I shot two bucks that was the biggest game we had. As I say you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese and is chased by the cats. The elks on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come down to the water-hole; and you should see them run when they find it is only water-hole. What they're looking for is a elk-a-hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. But that is entirely irreverent to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks...

  Now, of course I had to include the Marx brothers on this list somehow. In this hilarious speech, Groucho Marx (as Captain Jeffrey Spaulding), describes his many adventures in Africa to a captive group of party-goers in the classic 1930 movie Animal Crackers.
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  (#11) The Big Lebowski

  • Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare, David Huddleston, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Flea, Leon Russom, Sam Elliott, Tara Reid, David Thewlis, Ben Gazzara

  Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was...he was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of southern California from La Jolla to Leo Carillo, and up to Pismo. He died.. he died as so many young men of his generation before his time, and in your wisdom, Lord, you took him. Just as you took so many bright, flowering young men at Khe San, and Lan Doc, and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives, and so did Donny. Donny who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos.. in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been....we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Goodnight, sweet prince.

  Walter's eulogy for his buddy Donny in 1998's The Big Lebowski goes horribly wrong (and yeah, he has to somehow tie all of this in to Vietnam). After this speech, delivered on a beautiful bluff, Walter (John Goodman) dumps Donny's ashes - which promptly blow all over The Dude.
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  (#12) City Slickers

  • Billy Crystal, Daniel Stern, Bruno Kirby, Patricia Wettig, Helen Slater, Jack Palance, Noble Willingham, Tracey Walter, Josh Mostel, David Paymer, Bill Henderson, Jeffrey Tambor, Phill Lewis, Kyle Secor, Dean Hallo, Karla Tamburrelli, Yeardley Smith, Jayne Meadows, Alan Charof

  Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions? 

  Mitch's career day speech at his kids' school in 1991's City Slickers definitely deserves a spot of honor on this list. Billy Crystal is hysterical in this movie!
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  (#13) Raising Arizona

  • Nicolas Cage, Holly Hunter, Trey Wilson, John Goodman, William Forsythe, Sam McMurray, Frances McDormand, Randall "Tex" Cobb, M. Emmet Walsh, William Preston Robertson

  That night I had a dream. I dreamt I was as light as the ether, a floating spirit visiting things to come. The shades and shadows of the people in my life rassled their way into my slumber. I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison. Probably that's just as well. I don't mean to sound superior, and they're a swell couple of guys, but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world. And then I dreamed on, into the f*ture, to a Christmas morn in the Arizona home where Nathan Junior was opening a present from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown. I saw Glen a few years later, still having no luck getting the cops to listen to his wild tales about me and Ed. Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many. I don't know. And still I dreamed on, further into the f*ture than I'd ever dreamed before, watching Nathan Junior's progress from afar, taking pride in his accomplishments, as if he were our own, wonderin' if he ever thought of us, and hopin' that maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little, even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened. But still I hadn't dreamt nothin' about me 'n Ed, until the end. And this was cloudier, 'cause it was years, years away. But I saw an old couple bein' visited by their children, and all their grandchildren too. The old couple wasn't screwed up, and neither were their kids or their grandkids... And I don't know. You tell me. This whole dream, was it wishful thinkin'? Was I just fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do? But me and Ed, we can be good, too. And it seemed real. It seemed like us, and it seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away, where all parents are strong and wise and capable, and all children are happy and beloved. I don't know. Maybe it was Utah.
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  (#14) Team America: World Police

  • Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Kristen Miller, Masasa Moyo, Daran Norris, Phil Hendrie, Maurice LaMarche, Elle Russ, Stanley G. Sawicki

  See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, p*ssies and a**holes. P*ssies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to f*ck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your a**holes, Chuck. And all the a**holes want us to sh*t all over everything! So, p*ssies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because p*ssies get f*cked by dicks. But dicks also f*ck a**holes, Chuck. And if they didn't f*ck the a**holes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your p*ssy all covered in sh*t!

  Random bar guy offers a downtrodden Gary a simple (and highly offensive) speech explaining how the world works in 2004's Team America: World Police.
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  (#15) Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

  • Peter Sellers, George C. Scott, Keenan Wynn, Slim Pickens, Peter Bull, Tracy Reed, James Earl Jones, Jack Creley, Frank Berry, Glenn Beck, Shane Rimmer, Paul Tamarin, Gordon Tanner, Robert O'Neil, Roy Stephens, Laurence Herder, John McCarthy, Hal Galili, Sterling Hayden

  He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
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  (#16) Tootsie

  • Dustin Hoffman, Jessica Lange, Teri Garr, Dabney Coleman, Charles Durning, Bill Murray, Sydney Pollack, George Gaynes, Geena Davis, Doris Belack, Ellen Foley, Peter Gatto, Lynne Thigpen, Ronald L. Schwary, Debra Mooney, Amy Lawrence, Estelle Getty, Christine Ebersole

  It was this brother who, on the day of her death, swore to the good Lord above that he would follow in her footsteps, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just owe it all up to her. But on her terms. As a woman. And just as proud to be a woman as she ever was. For I am not Emily Kimberly, the daughter of Dwayne and Alma Kimberly. No, I’m not. I’m Edward Kimberly, the reckless brother of my sister Anthea … Edward Kimberly, who has finally vindicated his sister’s good name. I’m Edward Kimberly. Edward Kimberly.

  Dustin Hoffman delivers a hilarious speech in 1982's Tootsie, and you betcha he's on this list. Here, he decides he wants off of the soap opera (where he's been playing a woman, Dorothy). So he goes for the big reveal, letting everyone know that Dorothy is really Michael.
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  (#17) Annie Hall

  • Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Tony Roberts, Carol Kane, Paul Simon, Colleen Dewhurst, Janet Margolin, Shelley Duvall, Christopher Walken, Donald Symington, Helen Ludlam, Mordecai Lawner, Joan Newman, Jonathan Munk, Ruth Volner, Martin Rosenblatt, Hy Ansel, Rashel Novikoff, Jeff Goldblum

  After that, it got pretty late and we both had to go. But it was great seeing Annie again. And I realize what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke. You know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken.' And uh, the doctor says, 'Well, why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.'

  Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and - But uh, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

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