Random Divorcees Reveal Red Flags That Should've Warned Them About Marriage (27 items)

• (#1) Cookie Sheets Masked A Larger Problem

  From a former Redditor:

  [S]he didn't like the way I loaded the dishwasher. I was loading it one night and she wasn't pleased with how the cookie sheets were in there. I may have pointed out how she was being an insufferable b*tch, then suddenly I was a "lazy drunk" (even though I WAS loading the dishwasher).

  That somehow turned into how marrying me was the biggest mistake of her life, and I turned that sh*t back around on her and told HER that marrying HER was the biggest mistake of my life, etc. Moved out the next day.

  The story did have a happy ending: the cookie sheets turned out spotless despite her criticisms...

  The marriage was on the rocks before it started, really. [We] married because of kids, but somehow we convinced ourselves that things were fine. We just kinda floated through it. It was that one instance where all of the pent-up aggression and resentment exploded. 
• (#2) They Didn't Have A Lot In Common

  From Redditor /u/Cookiepuss:

  Don't get married because you feel it's the next step because of how society is. My ex and I were young, didn't have a whole lot in common, and we grew apart.

  We got married because we thought that's what you were supposed to do. Marry someone who you have things in common with; makes life so much more enjoyable!
• (#3) She Controlled His Social Life

  From Redditor /u/thagthebarbarian:

  Before we were married I had a lot of social interaction. I'd go out to car club events, randomly hang out with other guys, etc. She slowly guilted me into turning down going to those events, whittling away at the frequency that I went and in turn reduced the frequency of invites.

  Plenty of guys told me that she was too controlling and I should dump her. I obviously didn't listen. There were other, more subtle signs, but those are the most stand-out ones that I kick myself for - letting brain chemistry control me.
• (#4) He Took A 180-Degree Turn

  From Redditor /u/VioletViola:

  Honestly, the four years I knew him, including dating time, he was awesome. Then bam, marriage, and it went to hell in a handbasket...

  Suddenly he was trying to control everything, my makeup, hair, where I went, what I wore, etc. No interest on his part in sex anymore, nor in finishing our house.

  He kept bringing home cats, and I love cats, but too many... Finally I told him if he didn't like the way I was before, he shouldn't have married me. He pretty much pulled a 180-degree and expected it to be okay.
• (#5) He Put His Life Ahead Of Theirs

  From Redditor /u/rossbongo:

  What went wrong? It was honestly me. I was too consumed with my military career and she suffered because of it. I spent probably 80% of the time we were together out of town. In my mind, I was providing for us. Realistically though, I was out with my friends having the time of my life while she was stuck at home alone.

  It was absolutely gut-wrenching finding out she wanted out. As I learned more, it only got worse. Looking back though, I don't blame her. I hold no ill will towards her and I'm glad that she is happy. Life is too short to let someone consume you. Since then I have taken many steps to better my life.

  As for red flags, there were tons. I was too caught up in myself to notice them. There were plenty of things that we could have done differently. That's the past though. Tomorrow is always a new day.
• (#6) They Were Only Staying Together Because They Had Been Together So Long

  From Redditor /u/HumanTrafficCone:

  To be perfectly honest, I could see (and I'm sure she could too) the cracks in the relationship... I didn't think they were world ending, but in hindsight they were there. The combination of love, shared interests, inertia of the relationship (we've always been together, so we must always be together) probably kept us going longer than it should have. At the same time though, I still maintain we could have worked through it...

  I have no idea what she's up to, and I guess I don't really wish her any ill will. I mean I never want to see her again, but it's not worth carrying hate in your heart. I should be more bitter than I am, but what is that going to accomplish?
• (#7) They Were Mean To Other People

  From Redditor /u/Progman3K:

  Too many [red flags].

  The obvious ones: rude to service people, always complaining that EVERYONE at work was a [moron], openly [admitting] to only having friends because they could be a source of profit, impatient, not passionate about anything, etc...
• (#8) She Stayed Out Late And Deleted Texts

  From Redditor /u/ugatz:

  My ex was going out more than usual and would stay out late. She would find excuses to have to "go to work," sometimes not returning until very late at night.

  I couldn't ever see or touch her cell phone. If it rang she talked outside and texts were always deleted.

  Needless to say I hacked her phone, and keylogged her computer to get her social networking and email passwords to obtain the visual and audible proof I needed to [prove she was cheating.]

  Pretty obvious she was cheating but I needed to prove it so she would accept the fact I knew the truth.

  This was just one example among many other things unrelated to cheating, but solidified the marriage was going to end soon.
• (#9) They Looked Past The Red Flags

  From Redditor /u/gogojack:

  What went wrong? That's easy: never should have married her in the first place.

  Were there red flags? In retrospect, yes. Hell, yes. But when you're getting married to a girl that is clearly out of your league, you tend to look past the red flags.
• (#10) She Was A Procrastinator

  From Redditor /u/Source_Australian:

  Procrastinating. It's a massive story, but in the end putting off things she didn't want to do and only doing things she wanted to do made things go to sh*t.

  Three years since, my life is awesome and [I'm] so glad I got divorced.
• (#11) He Couldn't Hold Down A Job

  From a former Redditor:

  During the 10 years we were together (married six), he never held a job for very long. At first, I believed his excuses - it was never his fault - and tried to be supportive. But it got to be too much. I got tired of him never taking responsibility for being late, being lazy, etc.

  The last two years we were married, I was working two jobs (one full time and one part time) and he was unemployed for about a year. Did he help at all around the house? Nope. I'd get home at 11 pm at night after having been gone since 7 am, and he'd demand dinner. Never did the laundry or cleaned anything. Spent all day playing video games and draining our bank account. I finally got smart and left.
• (#12) They Give Each Other What They Needed

  From Redditor /u/skcwizard:

  We were married for eight years.

  I think we both knew it wasn't forever. I loved her dearly and she loved me. However, there was always something we could not provide the other that the other wanted from a partner. We just ended up growing apart and into a gap that was never going to close.

  I have no regrets with the marriage as I have two wonderful girls, one of whom I adopted that was hers with another man. We are still good friends and talk daily. We have our arguments, but for the most part, we get along great for ex-spouses and people are always impressed by it.

  I still spend the holidays with her family even though she is in another relationship. I get along great with him too.
• (#13) She Stopped Caring Enough To Fight

  From Redditor /u/PuppyPavilion:

  When the fight in me was gone. I no longer fought for time together, for intimacy, for any kind of connection to him. I just got too tired from the years of failure to care anymore. I still loved him, I still liked him, but as wife and husband we no longer connected.

  There were two events in the last year of my marriage that were the last two nails. The first led to me crying daily in the shower because I felt so alone and didn't want to share my pain with him. I was just so tired of him not caring, so when I realized I'd reached that point, I knew it was over.

  And then my dad died later that year and in the grieving process I was struck with an intense fear of wasting any more time on this marriage. I could be dead tomorrow and I will have died with a broken, lonely heart, and that thought was the catalyst for me asking for the divorce.
• (#14) They Couldn't Make It Work After He Cheated

  From Redditor /u/myeyeballhurts:

  Well, he cheated on me and knocked up another girl. We tried to make it work for two years - went to counseling and everything. I really can't remember the exact moment, but one day after yet another stupid fight we both just looked at each other and said, "It's over."

  In the end he was in love with his baby mama. We were married for 14 years.
• (#15) They Saw Their Ex-Wife On Someone Else's Instagram Feed

  From Redditor /u/HamPlanetJanet:

  When my ex-wife told me of her affair it was pretty apparent at that point we were done...

  They had been friends since high school. I can only speculate that they're still together. I saw a snippet of her blue hair on one of his Instagram photos a couple months into our separation.

  I separated myself from her and her family friends on all social media platforms. Was too hard to see. I even wanted to work it out, but she wanted the divorce. Been the hardest year of my life.
• (#16) He Had No Compassion For An Attacked Cat

  From Redditor /u/BrasAndBarflies:

  I had taken my kids to the movies and when I got back there was a note taped to the door. It was from my neighbor saying that my cat had been attacked by the pit bull next door. I freaked out and found my cat in utter agony with his back legs broken and gashes. My neighbors had left their house with the dog and I was at a complete loss [about] what to do.

  I'm sobbing on my knees in the backyard, trying to figure out what to do, when my husband comes over. He stands above me, scoffs, and says, "What are you doing? It's just a f*cking cat. Your kids need you. Get the f*ck up." And he walked back inside.

  It didn't end immediately, but I knew in that moment that I could not continue to be with a man so heartless. No compassion, no empathy. No help.

  So incredibly glad that I left that marriage...
• (#17) Her Apology For An Affair Didn't Ring True

  From Redditor /u/Sacrimosa:

  She had an affair. I caught her. She cried and apologized profusely. She held my hand and put on her most serious voice and said, through tears, "I'm so embarrassed and so ashamed. I can't believe I did this. I never thought of myself as the kind of person who would do a thing like this, but I did, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I want us to make it work, and I swear to you I would never ever do anything like that again... Please give us another chance. Don't give up on us."

  Then she got into counseling (both by herself and as a couple with me). Read a bunch of self-help books, posted on some relationship forums. Made every effort, said everything the way it should be said. I ignored the voice inside me telling me that anyone who'd do this even once is not to be trusted. I ignored it in favor of honoring my vows and trying to find the woman I thought I married, and a little guilt over whatever I'd done to drive her to this.

  I assume it's no surprise when I tell you that she had another affair six months later. Or that she is lying to her current boyfriend about her past...

  I more or less consider my marriage a wasted decade of my life. Ain't love grand?
• (#18) They Were Incompatible And They Both Had Too Much Baggage

  From Redditor /u/OhOlgui:

  It was a string of things. In hindsight, I had no business getting married when I did, let alone to someone I was so grossly incompatible with.

  His family did not like me; they usually pushed him around, and I, being the punk I was, would take up for him and fight his battles. They saw me as an arrogant, overbearing troublemaker. Looking back, they weren't entirely wrong. They never directly addressed any issues, and I would learn about them through him. Once it came out, I apologized for my actions, and learned to shut my mouth. It wasn't enough; they were still giving me grief and my ex wouldn't get involved.

  He was a good person, but had a lot of baggage, as did I, and we never really addressed our issues with each other. There was just fighting, then silence, then life went back to normal. Lather, rinse, repeat for five years.

  The final straw came when we were in line to get dinner (at the time, I was working at a clinic, hadn't eaten all day, and was starving). He asked me what I wanted, and I told him my order. Out loud, he asked, "Really? You're gonna eat all that?"

  "I had a busy day and didn't have lun-"

  He cut me off with, "I don't need your life story."

  The exchange was loud enough that everyone heard, but that wasn't the point. I had put up with a lot, and to be fair, so did he, but that was the moment I knew we were done. We separated a few months later, and divorced shortly after that.
• (#19) They Didn't Discuss The Future In Enough Detail

  From Redditor /u/RedTheWolf:

  I was too young (married at 23 to a 30-year-old) and we simply couldn't make it work - we became different people from when we first got together and had a fairly amicable split.

  One of our main problems was that we had never really discussed the future properly (in detail, not just,"Ooh, won't it be nice when we're old!"), and I think we both assumed a lot about the other's priorities. For example, I am very urban and he wanted us to move to the countryside. Neither of us was "wrong"; we simply weren't right for each other.

  So the advice I would give is make sure you actually talk about what you both want and don't just assume things will work out, because they might not.
• (#20) She Wouldn't Take Care Of Their Baby

  From Redditor /u/ShibaShoes:

  We were happy until she decided she had to have a child. She enjoyed being pampered while pregnant, being the center of attention. After giving birth though... she wanted almost nothing to do with said child. So I cooked and cleaned and took care of the baby and her.

  A year later she had never bathed our child or got up with him in the night. One night after I had finally gotten the baby asleep she came to me and began complaining that I didn't love her the way I used to. She was right...

  She did not get checked for [post-partum depression]. I thought she had it for sure, but she said no. She is an RN and so are her friends; no one else thought she had it.

  Now that my son is two, she seems to have formed a bond with him. She gets to see him [weekly] and he enjoys the visits. Of course, now that he can talk and feed himself, is mostly potty-trained, and sleeps well, he's easy to be with. Her friends think she's a great mom. That used to bug me, but not anymore.
• (#21) He Constantly Accused Her Of Cheating

  From Redditor /u/BTEGirl:

  Well, he checked my email and phone records. Showed up at my job and sat outside trying to "catch" me doing something that I was never doing. Came into my work and pitched a hissy fit when I was interviewing a gentleman for a position and caused a scene because he had just "caught me cheating."

  [He] got drunk at his work Christmas party, then when I cut him off, curled up in the fetal position in front of the front door and began sobbing. People had to step over him to get into the restaurant. He cheated on me with a soldier's wife (soldier was in Iraq)...

  Yeah, it was especially awesome to have him red-faced and stomping his feet in front of my employees and clients. Did I mention he used to check my receipts? I bought two bottles of water once, and he demanded to know who the other man was, because there was no way I was buying two for myself.
• (#22) The Criticism Was Constant

  From Redditor /u/localgyro:

  We stopped wanting the same things in life, and I grew tired of constantly being criticized.
• (#23) She Grew Up Spoiled

  From Redditor /u/Bender3455:

  She was spoiled as a child, and was never taught things like how to use a lawnmower, how to properly use a washing machine, how to forgive people, and that you're not always right. The last two especially caused issues, and while she blamed me for most of the problems... anybody looking in saw that she was blind to her own issues in the relationship.

  When we went to counseling, it was obvious she wanted the counselor to tell me to do things, but not her. When the counselor told her she needed to change what she was doing, the (now ex) wife left three days later.
• (#24) They Had Different Levels Of Seriousness

  From Redditor /u/myonkin:

  My ex and I were absolutely incompatible. She was too serious and I was too childish.

  That was probably the 30th dimension eHarmony didn't check for.
• (#25) He Refused To Seek Counseling Help

  From a former Redditor:

  He had a ton of problems. But the reason I left was he refused to admit he had them, and refused to seek help. He refused an ultimatum for couples counseling. I left. He started counseling the next week. Too late. I already had my own place.

  He had unresolved deep anger issues. Was an alcoholic. Was a hoarder...

  Refused to feed the cats or help with the litter (although he demanded he keep them when we separated, and despite the fact that we got the second cat for his daughter).

  Said we couldn't afford to get a dog, despite our $100,000-plus combined income. 

  In seven years refused to take a vacation with me - couldn't afford it... Meanwhile he took two vacations (two weeks each) without me, then three months after I left him he took a month off and went to New Zealand... Somehow throughout all this I had convinced myself that he loved me, and kept putting up with sh*t. I have no idea why.
• (#26) It Was A Marriage Of Convenience

  From Redditor /u/donotbelieveit:

  [I] married her when I was young and my mother had just died. I felt I needed someone. It was a marriage of convenience for the next 10 years. It was when we had kids and were forced to interact with each other that I could not stand it anymore.

  I asked out of the marriage when the kids (twins) were three years old because I felt if they were any older it would affect them too much and I would not be able to leave. I am very happy I did it.

  Although the financial strain of child support and alimony has been difficult, I feel it was the best thing for me and the children. I remember actually thinking that I have one life to live and there is not "do over" unless I did it when I did.
• (#27) She And Her Family Always Had To Be Right

  From Redditor /u/bubonis:

  Divorce pending...

  If I had to put a single reason on display, it would be: my wife can't stop lying to herself.

  I say this because, at the base of everything, that's what it is. In every single argument we've had I'll present my facts and my evidence. She will agree with them all. I'll present my conclusion. She'll disagree with my conclusion. When I ask her to give me an alternate conclusion while still keeping those facts into account, she is unable to - but that doesn't mean that my conclusion is any less valid to her.

  Her "real family" - her mother and siblings - are more important to her than anything else, including her relationship with me, our family as a unit, my trust in her, and my love for her (which is long gone). I can cite a hundred different examples of this. She will dispute none of them, but will still always come back to me being wrong.

  "I wish you can see things from my perspective" is her current go-to response, yet when I thoroughly explain her perspective to her - showing her that I do, in fact, see things from her perspective - she agrees that I do understand her perspective while at the same time not being able to come up with a viable alternative.

  My wife and her family are incapable of seeing themselves as anything less than perfect and guiltless. They feel no remorse for anything they've done to destroy this relationship. My wife will do nothing to press the issue because that would imply her admission that they were all somehow at fault, and she can't have that.

  I used to hate them all. Now I don't hate them, but I do think that their existence is a waste of natural resources.

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