Random Important Lessons People Learned From Their First Serious Relationship (15 items)

• (#1) Love Is More Than Just The 'Fluffy' Things

  From Redditor /u/msmarveles:

  That love isn’t just about the fluffy things like kisses and hugs and pretty words. If you don’t feel understood, if you’re not willing to stick with each other through thick & thin, then it’s nothing but a hollow, superficial one.
• (#2) Sharing Values Is More Important Than Sharing Hobbies

  From Redditor /u/TheMediaSays:

  Common interests can't make up for a lack of common values.
• (#3) You Can't Fix A Person Who Doesn't Want To Change

  From Redditor /u/PatentPending17:

  You cannot “fix” someone’s flaws, negative thoughts, etc. if they are not ready to do it themselves. You can try, sure. But if you’re doing your best, putting in 110%, and still have to make excuses for your partner’s shitty attitude to everyone around you, get the f*ck out.
• (#4) Being 'Nice' And Being 'Kind' Are Two Different Things

  From Redditor /u/Icicleinspring:

  ...nice does not always mean kind. My first boyfriend brought me flowers when he picked me up for dates. He even got my mom some on our second date. He cooked for me for our fourth date at his house. He called and said nice things. He was vulnerable and open. He was an Eagle Scout. My grandparents loved him. And then he sexually assaulted me.

  My second boyfriend was rough around the edges, sarcastic, and didn't like most people he met. He was smart with a biting sense of humor and no patience for stupidity. He said "f*ck" a lot. He didn't believe in Jesus and didn't bring flowers. He read a lot and played video games and still lived with his parents. My mother was not overly impressed. You know what he did do?

  He gave me rides to and from work. He had deep discussions with me about things we both cared about for hours. He shared books and movie recs with me. He was passionate about things and loved sharing that with me. He listened when I talked and wanted to know how I felt about things. He was patient with me even when I wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He treated me like I mattered. He told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. It broke his heart when I finally felt safe enough to tell him what had happened to me, and he always, always respected my boundaries. And then we got married.

  The first guy was nice. The second one is kind.
• (#5) You Can End Things On Good Terms And Still Be Friends Afterwards

  From Redditor /u/Back2Bach:

  We parted as close friends. We still are, and always will be.

  I learned that it's possible, even though most other couples I've known parted on sad or bitter terms.
• (#6) Recognizing Emotional Mistreatment Is Hard When It's Happening To You 

  From Redditor /u/daily-disturbance:

  It’s hard to recognize emotional abuse when you’re in the middle of it. Tougher still when you know your partner isn’t consciously doing it; if they don’t even realize they’re doing it, how can you? Sometimes you need a breather and a chance to get away from it for the gravity of the situation to set in.
• (#7) Don't Stay In A Relationship Just Because Leaving Might Be Hard

  From Redditor /u/turtlecupcake:

  Don't stay with someone just to keep them happy or because you're afraid they can't live without you. If they choose to put that burden on you, it's pure manipulation on their part.
• (#8) Love Can't Fix Everything

  From Redditor /u/sexrockandroll:

  It's possible to love someone a lot and it's still a better idea to end the relationship. Love don't magically remove incompatibility.
• (#9) People Change

  From Redditor /u/razekery:

  People change, you change. If you feel like it's not going to work then it's not going to work. Don't feel guilty to break up because your partner might have the same feelings but she/he is afraid to talk.
• (#10) Be Open About What Bothers You In The Relationship

  From Redditor /u/kingn8link:

  If something is bothering you in the beginning, it will follow you until the end. Be open and communicate early on to avoid surprises.

  We broke up because I finally addressed the issues and realized they were things I couldn't reasonably expect to change.
• (#11) Being In A Dangerous Relationship Will Affect Your Feelings In Good Ones

  From Redditor /u/cricketxbones:

  Two things.

  First, after an abusive relationship, healthy relationships feel dull empty, because they don't have the intense highs and lows that you've gotten used to. It's tempting to go back.

  Second, listen to your dad when he tells you not to go back to a "poisoned relationship." Like yeah he phrased it in a really cheesy way and he's started wearing socks with sandals in public and he did recently have to ask you if Alaska is a state or not, but he's right about this one. If a relationship went bad the first time, you won't be able to keep those hard feelings from spilling over into the second time. It's just going to prolong the end of the relationship, and use up that much more of your time.
• (#12) Never Compromise Who You Are For Another Person

  From Redditor /u/Kidgorgeoushere:

  ...[Never] lose yourself in another person.

  You may love them intensely with every fiber of your being, but you should never compromise who you are or how you feel and let your love for them become your entire life. Remain true to yourself and embrace your individuality and ensure you keep parts of your life just for you, not all for them.
• (#13) Just Wanting A Relationship Is A Bad Reason To Get Into One

  From Redditor /u/ProfessorGigs:

  Getting into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship is the worst reason to be in a relationship.

  Likewise, liking someone because they like you is the worst reason to like someone.

  You want to date “a person,” not “their company.”
• (#14) Trust Your Gut Feelings

  From Redditor /u/fallleaves623:

  I learned that if you have a gut feeling, it’s there for a reason. I almost married my last boyfriend. But my gut told me it wasn’t the right thing to do. He was sweet, loving, kind. Anyone’s dream guy. But I wasn’t in love with him. I was settling. And the thought of breaking up with him seemed like the hardest thing I’d ever have to do. But I did it. And it was hard on both of us.

  But now we can both find true love. And that gives me hope.
• (#15) Love Really Does Blind You

  From Redditor /u/Ranaex:

  ..."Love makes you blind" is not just a saying.

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