Random Best Tweets From Married Folks (21 items)

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  (#1) Asking For Help When You Need It

  This white couple in Target was staring at the Shea Moisture and Cantu products. Something told me to ask so I said "Ya'll need help?"
  The wife hesitated & then showed me a picture of their (Black) daughter and asked for recommendations. I made suggestions. It was a good day.

  — Crystal Marie (@CrystalMarieCom) July 18, 2020

   
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  (#2) A Wholesome Secret

  
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  (#3) Again Or Still

  Wife: I’m angry with you
  
  Me: Again or still?

  — Clify (@FuniBob) May 16, 2020

   
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  (#4) Dieting Together

  I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

  — Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 6, 2020

   
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  (#5) Tracking Your Husband

  I track my husband’s location but it’s not what you’re thinking. I need to know when he’s almost home so when he walks in I’m cleaning toilets instead of watching Hulu.

  — Jordyn Armour (@survivingmommy_) July 24, 2020

   
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  (#6) When A Child Whines

  When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so...
  
  *hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

  — Marl (@Marlebean) August 21, 2015

   
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  (#7) Lesson About Fries

  
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  (#8) Hey Beautiful

  Whenever my wife walks into the room I say, “Hey beautiful” and she replies with “Ugh, you’re blind” and then I say “No I’m not” and she says “Then why do you wear glasses” and then it escalates until we are not speaking to each other for a week.

  — Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 1, 2020

   
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  (#9) Secret To A Successful Marriage

  overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf

  — Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 19, 2020

   
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  (#10) You Were With Me All Day

  Wife: I need another beer.
  Me: Another one?
  Wife: Yeah. I’ve had an awful day.
  Me: What? You were with me all day.
  Wife:
  Me:
  Wife:
  Me: You want it in a chilled glass or

  — Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 20, 2020

   
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  (#11) New Way To Fold Towels

  Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.

  — Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020

   
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  (#12) Husband Loading Times

  Me: My friend Mary is pregnant.
  
  [10 YEARS LATER]
  
  Husband: Hey, did your friend Mary have her baby?

  — Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 9, 2020

   
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  (#13) True Love In The Morning

  Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it's true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he's still alive.

  — Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 25, 2020

   
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  (#14) What's Her Name

  I refer to my husband’s friends as Mikey, Crazy Jerry, and Tommy D.
  
  My husband refers to my friends as What’s Her Name, Who’s That Again, and That One Woman.

  — Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 2, 2020

   
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  (#15) Scream Sneezers

  
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  (#16) Food On The Wrong Plate

  my wife says I’m acting like a toddler but maybe she shouldn’t have put my food on the wrong plate

  — WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 29, 2020

   
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  (#17) Probably Deserved It

  I punched my husband in the face in my sleep.
  
  He probably deserved it.

  — Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 29, 2020

   
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  (#18) Your Husband Will Be Waiting In The Car

  If you have dreams of being married just remember your husband will be waiting in the car for half an hour while you dress and feed the kids, feed the dog, water the plants, redress one kid and lock the house then he will say you take too long

  — Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 26, 2020

   
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  (#19) Misreading The Room

  
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  (#20) Sending Risky Texts

  
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  (#21) Measuring The Success Of Marriage

  The success of my marriage is measured by how many times a week I say, “I told you so” to my husband.

  — ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) July 29, 2020

   

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