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(#6) You Start Lying to Those Around You to Cover for His Behavior
A relationship where one partner consistently gaslights the other resembles other kinds of dysfunctional relationships and family dynamics, like growing up with a parent who abuses drugs or alcohol. In this sense, much like the child who covers up their addicted parent’s behaviors, often the person being gaslighted will find herself covering up her partner’s behaviors to others. She’ll even find herself lying for no reason or smoothing over the details of a story just to avoid any potential conflict.
If you find yourself consistently lying to those around you about your partner’s behavior, you should ask yourself if it’s a result of being gaslighted.
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(#3) He’s Manic in His Treatment of You
If he’s hot then he’s cold, or he’s yes then he’s no in the way he treats you, you might be being gaslighted. Gaslighters get their partners hooked on their presence through big, grandiose displays of romance or dazzlingly good times that, when the relationship really gets going, they cease to perform. People who seriously gaslight often also show narcissistic tendencies; that is, they’re really good at identifying and pursuing people with low self-esteem.
They then make those people dependent on their presence and attention. And then they suddenly and coldly withdraw their affection. If you’re feeling this grand addiction/withdrawal cycle because of the way you’re being treated, you might be with a narcissistic gaslighter.
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(#11) He Tells You You Can’t Survive Without Him
One of the hardest things about trying to break it off with a gaslighter is the fact that, when you do, they will throw down every possible card to make you believe you can’t survive without them. They’ll tell you you’re crazy, insane, unstable, and incapable of taking care of yourself. And, if they’ve been successful in achieving the other key dynamics of a relationship built on gaslighting, you might actually believe them.
Gaslighters are really good at getting you addicted to their attention and making you believe that you’re pretty bad at caring for yourself, so this strategy of theirs is particularly insidious.
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(#12) He Loves Playing the Victim
When you argue, disagree, or have a weird dynamic are you always the perpetrator while he is always the victim? Is it your fault that he doesn’t want to go to your dinner party because your friends are annoying? Is it your fault that you didn’t know he was going out even though he failed to tell you? Is it your fault the relationship isn’t working because you’re lazy? Or fat? Or unattractive?
If you’re answering yes to these questions, or this argumentative strategy sounds familiar, you’re being gaslighted by your partner.
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(#2) Whenever You Bring Up a Problem to Him, He Treats YOU as the Problem
In logical argumentation, there’s a fallacy known as argumentum ad hominem. Basically, when you commit this fallacy, you attack the person making an argument rather than responding to the argument that they’re actually making. Gaslighters are argumentum ad hominem PROS.
So, one way to tell if you’re being gaslighted is to notice how your partner is responding to you in arguments. For example, say you bring up the fact that his late nights are making you nervous both for his and your own safety, and you ask him to call or text if he’s going to be out later than he thought. If his only responses are about you - that you’re crazy or you’re too controlling or you’re being too sensitive - and he ignores the substance of everything that you said, he’s employing a classically fallacious gaslighting technique.
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(#1) He Has to Have Things His Way
Does your partner have to have everything, even the weirdest, smallest situations, their way? Do they make you feel stupid, irrational, or just plain wrong for having a different opinion? Obviously, (before you say it) all couples have their disagreements, so this gaslighting symptom isn’t just that naturally occurring, inevitable difference of opinion. It’s serial control where your partner REFUSES to drop a topic until you agree with them.
If, for example, your partner forces you to listen to his ideas about the merits of spaghetti noodles vs. linguini noodles until you change your order (and it’s not just in jest, or it feels weirdly serious to you), you might be dating a gaslighter.
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About This Tool
Gaslighting is a common form of mental abuse that can cause someone to doubt their sanity or opinion. It usually occurs in power-imbalanced relationships and social interactions. Gaslighted people may feel confused, anxious, or defensive about the behavior of the abuser, and such people tend to become less and less confident.
If your spouse or partner often tends to belittle you or downplay your concerns or doubts about their unnormal behavior, then you are likely to have been Gaslighted. They may say something like: “you are just too sensitive!” The random tool lists 12 signs your boyfriend may be gaslighting you.
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