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(#3) Gaston
- Disney's House of Mouse, Beauty and the Beast, Beauty and the Beast
Gaston spends all of Beauty and The Beast puffing out his chest and swinging around his ponytail while he talks about how virile he is. Throughout the story he has his eyes set on Belle, and rather than move on when she rebukes his advances he continues to flaunt his masculinity throughout their quaint French village. Not only is Gaston a total goon, but you can tell that he’s a virgin because he’s so thirsty for Belle to pay attention to him.
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(#14) Xander Cage
- xXx, XXX: The Return of Xander Cage
The man, the myth, the bald, Xander Cage is always shown in spicy situations with super sexy ladies. But do you think he’s actually having sex with any of them? Cage honestly seems like he’s more interested in wearing insane coats than getting busy.
If you’re a real X-head, you’re probably saying, “Xander Cage slept with a bunch of models in London in xXX: Return of Xander Cage!” Here’s the thing: there's no evidence he did anything other than literally sleep with them. Cage is such a dork that he most likely stayed up all night chatting about everyone’s hopes and dreams rather than having rooftop group sex like any spy worth his salt.
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(#12) Douglas Quaid
- Total Recall, Total Recall
Total Recall follows Douglas Quaid (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger), a seemingly regular guy who goes on a memory implant vacation via the Rekall company. But then he remembers that he's actually a secret agent who's trying to save Mars.
That’s if you’re take the film at face value. It also works if the entire film happens inside Quaid's head. It could all be the fantasy of an uptight construction worker who doesn’t know how to take a break, let alone get intimate. This totally explains why the movie is full of action hero garbage and women with too many breasts wearing super tight clothes. This is definitely a guy who’s never had sex.
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(#9) Bodhi
- Point Break
As Lori Petty says in director Katherine Bigelow’s surfing bank robbers movie Point Break, “That's Bodhi. They call him the Bodhisattva. He's a modern savage. He's a real searcher.” But she should have added, “He’s also a total virgin.”
Bodhi may be played by Patrick Swayze at his hunkiest, but the character’s insistence on riding the perfect wave and constantly moving means he probably doesn’t really date. As much as he seems like a far-out party guy, he also spends most of the movie philosophizing, which is a surefire way to make any potential sexual partner run for the hills.
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(#6) David Wooderson
- Dazed and Confused
In Dazed and Confused, David Wooderson, played by Matthew McConaughey, is a major lothario – or so he wants people to think. The way Wooderson acts throughout the film, with his whole "I get older they stay the same age" thing, and his insistence on giving women weird nicknames, makes you wonder if he’s ever even kissed a girl.
It’s safe to say most alpha males who make a big deal about their sexual conquests have never actually done half of what they say they have. Wooderson is definitely guilty of this crime.
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(#5) Daniel Plainview
- There Will Be Blood
There Will Be Blood’s Daniel Plainview may drink up your milkshake, but he’s never drank up anything else, you know? Not only is he a vile human being, but he’s completely obsessed with finding oil, making cold hard cash, and destroying his enemies. All three of those things are enough to fill one’s day, leaving zero time for the pursuit of sexual intercourse.
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About This Tool
Alpha males, meaning “older” males who are comfortable in a group and have it all under control. Researchers recently found that for Alpha males, extra stress may be one of the main reasons for their short lives. On the other hand, scientists have also found that stress contributes to the evolution of the brain and that Alpha males’ success is in part due to stress.
This random tool collates 15 items and introduces you to the impressive Alpha male in the film. They often a simple character, like to boast about their heroic deeds, but in fact, shallow thinking, not too bad-hearted.
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