Theodore Rex
[ranking: 1]
This 33.5 million dollar disaster was the most expensive direct-to-video movie ever when it was first released. The futuristic, prehistoric, confusing-as-Hell movie is probably the lowest point of Whoopi Goldberg??s career, and it??s not hard to see why.
Theodore Rex follows Whoopi Goldberg as a futuristic super cop who gets paired with a clumsy dinosaur for?? reasons? It??s not really clear why there are dinosaurs in this movie, but there sure are.
Whoopi and Teddy work together to stop an evil billionaire from inciting a new Ice Age and eradicating all life on the planet, because it will make him rich or something. It's unlikely that the actual screenwriter of this thing could explain the plot any better.
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Tammy And The T-Rex
[ranking: 2]
Hey, remember that time that Paul Walker had his consciousness transferred into a giant, animatronic Tyrannosaurus rex? No? Well you might want to check out Tammy and the T-Rex, a film that probably didn't make it into Paul??s ??In Memoriam?? reel at the Oscars.
The flick stars a teenage Denise Richards playing the titular Tammy. She??s a high schooler without a care in the world, until her boyfriend (Paul Walker) is thrown into a pit of hungry lions by her jealous ex. After being mauled to the verge of death, a deranged scientist puts Paul??s brain into a giant mechanical T. rex. Oh, and the scientist is the same actor who played Bernie in Weekend at Bernie's.
A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell
[ranking: 3]
Everything about this movie is terrible, from the special effects to the hyper-sexualization of the "nymphoid" protagonist. The film is set in a radioactive post-apocalyptic wasteland where men have become deformed savages, and giant, mutated lizards rule the Earth.
While the giant monsters aren't exactly dinosaurs, the film's creators don't let semantics get in the way of their sick "dinosaur" movie. For some reason, living in a dinosaur hell makes people excessively horny. All throughout the film, the nymphoid heroine can barely resist being ravished by the local mutants, and it appears that feminism is an extinct concept in this depraved hellscape.
Dinosaur Island
[ranking: 4]
Carnosaur
[ranking: 5]
Jurassic Park is to Carnosaur as filet mignon is to whatever kind of squirrel bits they toss into Taco Bell meat. As a result of genetic experimentation by corporate scientists, a mutant chicken egg hatches a juvenile Deinonychus (the Velociraptor??s lamer cousin) which escapes into a small Southwestern town.
Mayhem, death, and terribly unconvincing dinosaur puppets are the natural result. If that??s not bizarre enough to keep you invested through the 89 minute run time, fast forward to the scene where a pregnant woman gives birth to a parasitic dinosaur egg that had infected her womb. Where else can you even see something like that?
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Adventures In Dinosaur City
[ranking: 6]
Adventures In Dinosaur City follows Timmy, Jamie, and Mick, three best friends who have nothing in common except for their love of poorly animated cartoons about dinosaurs. Timmy's parents are mad scientists running inter-dimensional experiments in their basement, an all Hell breaks loose when Timmy invites his friends to watch TV in his parents' lab.
The trio end up getting sucked into the television and transported to the world of Dinosaur City, a place populated by anthropomorphic dinosaurs dressed inexplicably like greasers. Once there, they meet Rex, Tops, and Forry, three ancient lizards who help them take down the de facto dictator of the city, Mr. Big.
Super Mario Bros.
[ranking: 7]
Wait a minute, what are the Mario Bros. movie doing on a list about terrible dinosaur films? If you??re asking that question, then you obviously haven??t watched the videogame stars' feature film in a while.
The movie takes place in an alternate New York City where dinosaurs never became extinct. Rather than dying, they evolved into beings that looks remarkably similar to Dennis Hopper. The evil King Koopa rules over this city of dinosaur-human hybrids until Mario and Luigi, played by Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo, arrive to bust him up.
You may be thinking to yourself, ??huh??? or, ??what?"
Yes, that's the actual plot. It??s like someone decided to make a supercut of Super Mario, Blade Runner, and Scientology. The dystopian world, full of fungus and dance numbers, is something that must be seen to be believed.
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Caveman
[ranking: 8]
Planet Of Dinosaurs
[ranking: 9]
Released in 1977, Planet of Dinosaurs actually had pretty incredible special effects for its time. The plot, however, is much less spectacular. The film follows a crew of futuristic space explorers who crash-land on a prehistoric planet overrun by dinosaurs. They decide to search for high ground in order to increase their chances of survival, but a menacing tyrannosaurus stalks them throughout their journey. between dinosaurs trying to eat them and the discovery that the plant life is poisonous, the crew struggles to keep it together as they battle the elements.
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Pterodactyl
[ranking: 10]
Creature features are always better when you add a rapper to the cast. Just look at what Ice Cube did for Anaconda, or LL Cool J's breathtaking performance in Deep Blue Sea. Rapper Coolio keeps this amazing tradition alive with his role in Pterodactyl, where he plays an army Captain on the hunt for terrorists in Turkey.
He crosses paths with a group of college students who have made a deadly discovery: Pterodactyls are not as extinct as everyone thought, and they are hungry for human blood. Mayhem ensues as wave after wave of Pterodactyls attack the group. If that sounds incredibly stupid, that's because it definitely is.
The Land Before Time XI: Invasion Of The Tinysauruses
[ranking: 11]
Some of you might remember The Land Before Time, a 1988 animated film about a group of young dinosaurs that was produced by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. That movie is actually really good, which makes what followed all the more depressing.
There have been 13 direct-to-video sequels in this ridiculous franchise, with each new iteration amping up the insanity. The pinnacle of awful might be the 11th installation of the franchise, Invasion of the Tinysauruses.
The movie follows a gang of young dinosaurs, led by series protagonist Littlefoot, as they discover an underground society of miniature sauropods. There's a cult-like atmosphere about the whole place, especially since they have a supreme leader who forbids interactions with all the normal-sized dinosaurs. The gang manages to befriend the tinysauruses, but struggle to keep the secret from their disapproving parents.
Prehysteria!
[ranking: 12]
Walking With Dinosaurs 3D
[ranking: 13]
The most recent entry on this list, Walking with Dinosaurs 3D has learned nothing from the dozens of terrible dinosaur movies that came before it. Despite being based on the popular BBC series Walking with Dinosaurs, the movie throws the educational documentary format to the wind and is lieu of a more Hollywood approach.
The story starts with a paleontologist bringing his niece and nephew on a fossil hunting expedition, only to be interrupted by a prehistoric talking bird played by John Leguizamo. The bird goes on to tell the story of Patchi, a young Pachyrhinosaurus who lived 70 million years ago. After most of his family is killed by a giant carnivore, Patchi and his brother butt heads over who should lead the rest of the herd.
Bland storytelling and childish humor make this iteration of Walking with Dinosaurs a total dud.
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