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(#12) Douglas Quaid
- Total Recall, Total Recall
Total Recall follows Douglas Quaid (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger), a seemingly regular guy who goes on a memory implant vacation via the Rekall company. But then he remembers that he's actually a secret agent who's trying to save Mars.
That’s if you’re take the film at face value. It also works if the entire film happens inside Quaid's head. It could all be the fantasy of an uptight construction worker who doesn’t know how to take a break, let alone get intimate. This totally explains why the movie is full of action hero garbage and women with too many breasts wearing super tight clothes. This is definitely a guy who’s never had sex.
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(#13) Bruce Wayne
- Justice League, The Batman, Batman: Under the Red Hood, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2, Batman: Gotham Knight, Batman vs. Superman, Batman
Bruce Wayne is the ultimate alpha male. He’s James Bond meets Bruce Lee dressed as a gothic monster. He seemingly never sleeps, he’s always solving crimes, and he’s in amazing shape – but to do all of those things, he’s definitely never had time to have sex. That whole "billionaire playboy" thing is definitely an act.
When you think about it, Batman’s virginity is probably what powers his crime fighting abilities. If he were having any kind of sex he wouldn't be nearly as angry.
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(#9) Bodhi
- Point Break
As Lori Petty says in director Katherine Bigelow’s surfing bank robbers movie Point Break, “That's Bodhi. They call him the Bodhisattva. He's a modern savage. He's a real searcher.” But she should have added, “He’s also a total virgin.”
Bodhi may be played by Patrick Swayze at his hunkiest, but the character’s insistence on riding the perfect wave and constantly moving means he probably doesn’t really date. As much as he seems like a far-out party guy, he also spends most of the movie philosophizing, which is a surefire way to make any potential sexual partner run for the hills.
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(#8) Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky
- Top Gun
Iceman, Tom Cruise’s antagonist in Top Gun, is an ace pilot who’s cool under pressure, hence the nickname. And even though he’s played by Val Kilmer in peak babe mode, he's probably a total virgin.
Maverick knows how to schmooze the ladies, but he’s also a loose cannon who isn’t the best pilot in the Top Gun program. Iceman is, and the unfortunate truth of being the best in the world at something is that you have to spend your every waking moment practicing said thing. Iceman has no time for love.
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(#14) Xander Cage
- xXx, XXX: The Return of Xander Cage
The man, the myth, the bald, Xander Cage is always shown in spicy situations with super sexy ladies. But do you think he’s actually having sex with any of them? Cage honestly seems like he’s more interested in wearing insane coats than getting busy.
If you’re a real X-head, you’re probably saying, “Xander Cage slept with a bunch of models in London in xXX: Return of Xander Cage!” Here’s the thing: there's no evidence he did anything other than literally sleep with them. Cage is such a dork that he most likely stayed up all night chatting about everyone’s hopes and dreams rather than having rooftop group sex like any spy worth his salt.
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(#11) J.R. MacReady
- The Thing
The hero of The Thing, played by Kurt Russell, is an ace helicopter pilot who can fly through any snow storm, drink whiskey like it’s water, and handle most alien invasions. Presumably MacReady could work anywhere, but he ended up in a research station exclusively populated by grizzled dudes and melting dog-Things.
Either MacReady has such terrible people skills that his only option for work is to go to Antarctica, or he dislikes people so much that he chose to work in Antarctica. Either way, that’s proof that MacReady has never so much as held hands with a prospective lover.
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About This Tool
Alpha males, meaning “older” males who are comfortable in a group and have it all under control. Researchers recently found that for Alpha males, extra stress may be one of the main reasons for their short lives. On the other hand, scientists have also found that stress contributes to the evolution of the brain and that Alpha males’ success is in part due to stress.
This random tool collates 15 items and introduces you to the impressive Alpha male in the film. They often a simple character, like to boast about their heroic deeds, but in fact, shallow thinking, not too bad-hearted.
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