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Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

  • Xander Cage on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#14) Xander Cage

    • xXx, XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

    The man, the myth, the bald, Xander Cage is always shown in spicy situations with super sexy ladies. But do you think he’s actually having sex with any of them? Cage honestly seems like he’s more interested in wearing insane coats than getting busy.

    If you’re a real X-head, you’re probably saying, “Xander Cage slept with a bunch of models in London in xXX: Return of Xander Cage!” Here’s the thing: there's no evidence he did anything other than literally sleep with them. Cage is such a dork that he most likely stayed up all night chatting about everyone’s hopes and dreams rather than having rooftop group sex like any spy worth his salt.

  • Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#8) Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky

    • Top Gun

    Iceman, Tom Cruise’s antagonist in Top Gun, is an ace pilot who’s cool under pressure, hence the nickname. And even though he’s played by Val Kilmer in peak babe mode, he's probably a total virgin.

    Maverick knows how to schmooze the ladies, but he’s also a loose cannon who isn’t the best pilot in the Top Gun program. Iceman is, and the unfortunate truth of being the best in the world at something is that you have to spend your every waking moment practicing said thing. Iceman has no time for love.

  • Bodhi on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#9) Bodhi

    • Point Break

    As Lori Petty says in director Katherine Bigelow’s surfing bank robbers movie Point Break, “That's Bodhi. They call him the Bodhisattva. He's a modern savage. He's a real searcher.” But she should have added, “He’s also a total virgin.”

    Bodhi may be played by Patrick Swayze at his hunkiest, but the character’s insistence on riding the perfect wave and constantly moving means he probably doesn’t really date. As much as he seems like a far-out party guy, he also spends most of the movie philosophizing, which is a surefire way to make any potential sexual partner run for the hills.

  • David Wooderson on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#6) David Wooderson

    • Dazed and Confused

    In Dazed and Confused, David Wooderson, played by Matthew McConaughey, is a major lothario – or so he wants people to think. The way Wooderson acts throughout the film, with his whole "I get older they stay the same age" thing, and his insistence on giving women weird nicknames, makes you wonder if he’s ever even kissed a girl.

    It’s safe to say most alpha males who make a big deal about their sexual conquests have never actually done half of what they say they have. Wooderson is definitely guilty of this crime.

  • King Leonidas on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#15) King Leonidas

    • Meet the Spartans, 300, The 300 Spartans

    A man who spends this much time getting ripped, and even more time obsessing over killing other men, has definitely never had sex. Sure, Leonidas from 300 supposedly has a kid, but who's to say he isn't adopted?

    If Leonidas had actually done it, he wouldn't be so eager to go on a suicide mission with 299 of his hottest friends. The focus and drive required to go to war against 30,000 warriors can only be attained by a virgin who has zero sexual desire.

  • Daniel Plainview on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#5) Daniel Plainview

    • There Will Be Blood

    There Will Be Blood’s Daniel Plainview may drink up your milkshake, but he’s never drank up anything else, you know? Not only is he a vile human being, but he’s completely obsessed with finding oil, making cold hard cash, and destroying his enemies. All three of those things are enough to fill one’s day, leaving zero time for the pursuit of sexual intercourse.

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About This Tool

Alpha males, meaning “older” males who are comfortable in a group and have it all under control. Researchers recently found that for Alpha males, extra stress may be one of the main reasons for their short lives. On the other hand, scientists have also found that stress contributes to the evolution of the brain and that Alpha males’ success is in part due to stress.

This random tool collates 15 items and introduces you to the impressive Alpha male in the film. They often a simple character, like to boast about their heroic deeds, but in fact, shallow thinking, not too bad-hearted.

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